lara

All posts tagged lara

untuk aku. kau. kita.

Published March 14, 2011 by crystalights

 

“Dan jika Allah menimpakan suatu bencana kepadamu, maka tidak ada yang dapat menghilangkannya kecuali Dia. Dan jika Allah menghendaki kebaikan bagi kamu, maka tidak ada yang dapat menolak karunia-Nya. Dia memberikan kebaikan kepada siapa saja yang Dia kehendaki di antara hamba-hamba-Nya. Dia Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.”

Ayat 107,

Surah Yunus.

disappearing

Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight

 

 

 

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.

 

.

i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see

.

you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.

.

sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.

.

it’s not easy to be

me

 

we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.

.

i

can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end

.

i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.

.

even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.

.

ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).

.

when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.

.

i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either

.

what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

tomorrow’s price and payment.

Published February 12, 2011 by crystalights

so the people that i was supposed to stay with (but suddenly cancelled) contacted their son+daughter-in-law

and their daughter-in-law contacted my parents’ friends

and then these friends informed my parents

and then i’m not sure what exactly is happening or is about to happen but

i’m supposed to contact them when i get there.

and i guess right now, for now, that’s the best that i can get to the possibility of not being homeless (although i can never be too sure about that).

i met those friends of my parents (the one who helped contact that family), and i can say that these friends are very nice and warm. they have this small, close-knit family and are rather affectionate with one another.

i looked at them and i thought: oh, so that is how it’s like to have a very affectionate family.

they don’t have everything, but half-an-hour at their home you kinda get this feeling of how they feel for each other and i guess that was something.

it was, a little heart-moving.

i thought it was kinda difficult for a person to show the ability to love, but what the heck, some people are very capable AND sincere. no questions asked, no prerequisite conditions, just honesty and a heart.

yes, some people do give a damn about each other. it’s just that i’m being exposed to the selfish ones too often that i become one myself (sometimes).

anyway, after the meet-up with these friends of my parents i felt like i can’t really entirely lay my verdict on the people who cancelled. maybe they have reasons (which i don’t understand) for cancelling my stay with them on such short notice. at least they managed to contact someone else from their family who contacted my parents’ friends who contacted my parents.

it’s a long story, but i don’t want to leave anything out.

i’m just a little unsure. confused. forlorn. about a lot of things.

and my thoughts are a mess and so writing them down is a process of sorting them out.

maybe i’m just dizzy because i felt something back then when i was snapped at in my own home but refusing to hide and cry because it’s not the right time to be defeated?

maybe i was starting to wish for things that i can’t have right now like a family/person who could understand?

i don’t know anymore.

.

i could try to be where they want me to be but at what price?

isn’t there always something to lose?

my 200th post : painful musings.

Published April 5, 2010 by crystalights

 

dear heart,

why are you so sad?

.

aku yang tak sempurna mencari kesempurnaan.

.

awal2 pun ayah ckp, klau aku nak, dier boleh bawak aku balik.

dier dh bagi greenlight utk just go home and skip today’s perjumpaan.

smlm dier belikan buah berangan dlm perjalanan ke sini.

dier bawakkan mini comp yg baru smpai tu (yg dier sndiri pun blom bukak pun lagi).

dier angkatkan brg aku smpai ke bilik.

mcm nak sdapkan ati (?) ataupun nak hilangkan pedih rase kehilangan waktu.

mungkin sbb seminggu sebelum tu aku dh call ckp nak balik.

.

dier tahu aku tak nak stay pun kt sini.

aku blom pun bersedia utk kembali ke sini.

aku baru lepas dari satu “derita”.

my heart is weary.

but i can’t run away now. 

 

it gets so cold here

and the nights can freeze before you set a fire

and our flares go unnoticed

diminished

faded just as soon as they are fired

we are

we are intrigued

we are

we are invisible

oh how we shouted

how we screamed

take notice

take interest

take me with you

when all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight

they’re burning the roads they built to lead us to the light

and blinding our hearts with their shining lies

we’re closing our caskets cold and tight

but i’m dying to live.

.

aku tau pun aku dh besar.

tak wajar disedapkan hati batu ni dgn ape2 benda duniawi utk sesuatu yg memang tanggungjawab aku. sbb aku tak boleh lari dari tanggungjawab sendiri.

byk bnda dlm dunia ni mesti ditempuhi wlwpun hati tak rela.

mungkin hati aku tak bersih.

sbb tu rase tak rela.

sbb keikhlasan itu dtg dari hati yg suci.

hati yg suci. dari mana dtgnya?

mungkin bukan dari hati ini.

.

bukanlah sepenuhnya hati aku tak rela pun.

cume. rase sebal sgt sbb tak dpt jadi ape yg aku rancang.

akhirnye aku terdiam sendiri.

ku tak selalu begini

terkadang hidup memilukan

jalan yang kulalui

untuk sekedar bercerita

pegang tanganku ini

dan rasakan yang ku derita

apa yang kuberikan

tak pernah jadi kehidupan

semua yang ku inginkan

menjauh dari kehidupan

tempatku melihat dibalik awan

aku melihat dibalik hujan

tempatku berdiam tempat bertahan

aku terdiam dibalik hujan

.

but i can’t keep on being like this.

it’s only pain. and sadness.

what’s there left to it (?)

.

don’t wanna let it lay me down this time

drown my will to fly

here in the darkness i know myself

can’t break free until i let it go

let me go

.

i guess i’m moping and coping all at the same time.

i’m in the middle of completing my industrial attachment report.

i found out something that i wished i didn’t, regarding one of the elements of my project work.

but i’ll try and find a way around it. although it troubles me, i think it’s better that i know so that i can be more prepared.

what i’m worried about is that this particular information could be used against my project presentation.

you’ll never know what you know can hurt you.

it’s a cold hard world afterall.

no one can save me if things don’t work out.

it’s a one way ticket.

the path of no return.

.

and in the end i guess i had to fall

always find my place among the ashes

.