leaving

All posts tagged leaving

disappearing

Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight

 

 

 

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.

 

.

i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see

.

you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.

.

sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.

.

it’s not easy to be

me

 

we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.

.

i

can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end

.

i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.

.

even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.

.

ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).

.

when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.

.

i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either

.

what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

in full bloom

Published February 14, 2011 by crystalights

my mother’s roses

she’s been talking about them blooming since last week.

well maybe she’s just happy to see what she planted finally blooming.

.

but blooming roses don’t last that long

i hope my mum will have other blooming flowers too

so that she’ll have something to be excited about soon.

.

yeah.

i hope her orchids will bloom soon,

and this time for the whole year that i’m gone

.

tomorrow’s price and payment.

Published February 12, 2011 by crystalights

so the people that i was supposed to stay with (but suddenly cancelled) contacted their son+daughter-in-law

and their daughter-in-law contacted my parents’ friends

and then these friends informed my parents

and then i’m not sure what exactly is happening or is about to happen but

i’m supposed to contact them when i get there.

and i guess right now, for now, that’s the best that i can get to the possibility of not being homeless (although i can never be too sure about that).

i met those friends of my parents (the one who helped contact that family), and i can say that these friends are very nice and warm. they have this small, close-knit family and are rather affectionate with one another.

i looked at them and i thought: oh, so that is how it’s like to have a very affectionate family.

they don’t have everything, but half-an-hour at their home you kinda get this feeling of how they feel for each other and i guess that was something.

it was, a little heart-moving.

i thought it was kinda difficult for a person to show the ability to love, but what the heck, some people are very capable AND sincere. no questions asked, no prerequisite conditions, just honesty and a heart.

yes, some people do give a damn about each other. it’s just that i’m being exposed to the selfish ones too often that i become one myself (sometimes).

anyway, after the meet-up with these friends of my parents i felt like i can’t really entirely lay my verdict on the people who cancelled. maybe they have reasons (which i don’t understand) for cancelling my stay with them on such short notice. at least they managed to contact someone else from their family who contacted my parents’ friends who contacted my parents.

it’s a long story, but i don’t want to leave anything out.

i’m just a little unsure. confused. forlorn. about a lot of things.

and my thoughts are a mess and so writing them down is a process of sorting them out.

maybe i’m just dizzy because i felt something back then when i was snapped at in my own home but refusing to hide and cry because it’s not the right time to be defeated?

maybe i was starting to wish for things that i can’t have right now like a family/person who could understand?

i don’t know anymore.

.

i could try to be where they want me to be but at what price?

isn’t there always something to lose?

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things

but

i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.

.

so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.

.

we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.

.

and yes

yes

i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified

.

i have around 19 days left before the end begins

.

i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.

.

so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.

.

EDIT:

here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell

 

to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights

 

sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.

.

sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.

.

sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.

.

so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return

.

we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another

.

and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.

.

i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.

.

i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.

.

i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it

one fine day.

Published December 12, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i lost my post.

all those writings = gone.

i can’t believe wp didn’t autosave that.

bummer.

i hate it when this happens.

.

but

i don’t care,

i’ll still put a piece of it here.

again.

.

so,

deep breath.

one more time.

.

that day when flowers fall

that classroom

how come i couldn’t see

the disappeared rainy sky?

i really want to be drenched again

never thought that i still kept the courage that i have lost

.

you know,

there’s this feeling you get when you secretly view some people’s pages

while listening to this song.

especially if those people don’t even know what you’re up to.

but you know them.

and they know you.

it’s like

a hollow pain

at the base of your heart.

it’s stupid, i know.

but i don’t know why i feel it.

i thought i didn’t care

but why am i (even) doing this?

i should just

get ready to leave.

.

this doesn’t even mean anything.

no one means anything to me, right?

and i don’t mean anything to anyone, right?

right.

okay.

i get that.

it’s fine.

i’m fine.

everything’s fine.

tomorrow should be fine too.

i’ll go to sleep tonight and go see the ocean tomorrow.

and then i don’t have to think and be confused about this anymore.

.

okay.

goodnight.

.

somewhere i belong

Published March 18, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’m soo damn tired i could just roll over and fall asleep right now.

.

but anyway.

i just felt like i need to get a few things off my chest.

.

i’ve only realized this evening that i have less than 15 days before we reach the end of march.

everything has been quite a whirlwind of fleeting moments and i can barely grasp the reality of it all.

i am away again.

i moved out last weekend and went to a relative’s place for a couple of days and then went home for a few days and now i’m here in someone else’ home possibly for the next 16 days or so.

i’ve told myself so many times before:

wherever life takes me, i will go.

i felt like it’s just one of those “going-away-for-a-cause” trip to somewhere, and i packed the night bfore. so when i woke up this morning i was surprised to find myself so painfully surprised. that it’s time to go. i can hardly believe that i actually fell asleep the night before.

i got up and got ready and we had breakfast at home.

dad was at work, so mom drove the red car to send me to the bus stop (no, not the bus terminal up town, jst the little bus stop near our home), and we waited in the car for my bus to arrive.

a few minutes later i saw the familiar bright yellow car and suddenly my dad appeared, he pulled over and parked.

so i have two of my parents with their cars parking right next to the bus-stop and my two little brothers sitting on the back seat.

and the radio was on and that familiar song was on air

and somehow no matter how i wished it wasn’t it felt painful just to leave.

somewhere in that moment, someone sang along

and all i ever wanted was for you to know

everything i do i give my heart and soul

i can hardly breathe

i need to feel you here with me

 

and i realized it was me.

i was singing with my heart on my sleeve.

.

that was a moment where it felt like i needed to try and give this my all

so that maybe when the time comes i could come back again

back there to stay.

.

to feel like i am where i belong.

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