life

All posts tagged life

derailed.

Published April 13, 2012 by crystalights

a lot of things might have happened differently than how we planned it to be

 

as for me

i want a lot of things

a lot of which i think wasn’t entirely for me,

but still,

i planned and wanted them that way anyway.

 

but then, it didn’t exactly happen that way

like a train off its tracks,

some things went wayy off their plans.

 

but even then,

even now,

the thing is that, it isn’t your plans that sets the track

the one that sets it is the one that created you

the Almighty.

 

and so,

because it wasn’t your plans that sets the track, when things happen differently than your plans, it doesn’t mean that you’re derailed of your whole life course.

it could just mean that this is your track.

of course you have free will, and of course you have your choices and paths to choose, but you also have and will always have the conditions and circumstances that puts you there by fate & destiny that Allah has willed for you. you also have and will always have everything (else) fated for you, despite all or any of the choices you make. 

in fact, your choices and their outcomes has always been known by your Lord.

 

because the one who created you knows the choices that you will make and the outcomes of each path you choose or not choose,

Allah’s knowledge encompasses and surpasses all.

 

things might not be all bright all the time but

i want to have faith.

i know that this could be a test that i will have to endure

because a lot of times in the past, i didn’t really pass. those things that i’m supposed to endure and overcome.

so.

 

let’s do this.

 

insyaAllah, tuhan takkan menzalimi kita semua.

 

sekarang aku just fikir,

dlm keberadaan aku di sini

apa yg terbaik yg aku boleh lakukan?

supaya ada tempat utk aku mencari rahmat-Nya,

what is the best that i can do?

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it’s complicated.

Published April 7, 2012 by crystalights

i think

i am a private person, afterall.

ada byk benda yg happen in my life yg aku tak share dgn semua org. sbb. aku tak suka kot. nak completely share everything i experienced.

i don’t even feel comfortable sharing the reason why i don’t wanna share. all that.

sbb nnti ceritanya pjg. aku tak mahu.

 

so.

sometimes i’m not completely sure if this side of me hurts people: that i refuse to share my private thoughts and feelings and experiences with the entire population who knows the me that i put forth- which really isn’t the complete me that i myself know.

i think it’s complicated.

 

i think i have to think about what i share.

what i say.

what words i choose to spew out: by mouth or in writing.

because you can never really know which one of those words would bring forth undesirable circumstances.

trust me, i think i know what that’s like.

 

even when you don’t intend to bring such unfortunate circumstances upon the situation,

you just can never truly know where and what those words will put you (and other people) through.

 

so yes.

i think i might have a problem with the ‘conceited’+’reckless’ kind of attitude when people just say whatever they want, whenever they want to, even when it isn’t completely true and isn’t completely appropriate.

especially when it’s completely presumptuous. and pompous. and self-flatteringly ridiculous.

 

yes.

i like writing like this.

where i put together words that might all mean similarly the same but describe each of it so specifically that there is very little room for people to actually interpret it any more different than i intend it to be-

because i don’t want it to mean anything other than what i intend it to mean-

not to hurt or to patronize

but actually to give a little exposure and a small reminder-

that careless, thoughtless words can be unconsciously damaging,

whether you realize it or not.

if it doesn’t damage you, it might damage or affect the people around you.

 

so yes.

don’t assume that you’re special,

that the whole world revolves around you.

don’t assume that things work because of you,

as if you are the reason that all good people persevere in all the good things.

don’t assume that people would move mountains because of you.

as if you deserve it. as if you are the reason why everything is worth every effort.

don’t assume that people need you like they need the sense of rightfulness in their hearts

because you are only you-

a human being

with human character and emotions and capacity

and you are only able to do things that Allah has willed for you to do or achieve.

you are not the reason for all good things,

you are the product of good, good things.

 

you didn’t get all that you have because you completely deserved it,

but rather, it has always been Allah’s mercy upon you that you are given what you’ve been given.

 

and that is why

i think i feel like i can see how

my close friends don’t treat me any differently even after so much has passed all this while

as if we are all still the same

because money, position, life status and accomplishments doesn’t change the way we are among us

no one has to treat anyone differently just because of what we’ve become

 

so yeah.

i don’t find it that desirable to share my private side with people,

because some characters are a bit tough to tolerate,

and my weakness is that i don’t have a lot of patience.

 

“di atas normal”

Published March 16, 2012 by crystalights

kebelakangan ni kesibukan melanda

 

but it’s allright,

i want to embrace it with open arms.

 

anyway,

bukankah hidup yg bermakna adalah hidup yg bermanfaat?

 

hidup dimana tenaga + masa + usaha bukan spenuhnya terhambur pd pkara yg manfaatnya sifar.

 

i think

it’s either you control it, or it controls your life.

 

sbb, siapa lg yg akan pelihara kita?

sebaik2 pemelihara itulah Allah.

tapi usaha kita itulah pengiring yg terbaik bagi tawakal dan doa.

bukankah

“setiap manusia itu pemimpin,

dan setiap pemimpin itu bertanggungjawab ke atas pimpinannya?”

 

walau kita hanya memimpin diri sendiri

tak bermakna kita tak perlu mengendahkannya

 

dalam hidup ni apa yg penting?

 

bila amalan fardhu dipelihara kerana-Nya,

kemudian usaha2 seperti mnjlnkn tnggungjawab2 tertentu atau pencarian rezeki & etc. adalah utk manfaat diri dan umat-Nya,

seterusnya perhubungan dgn ciptaan2-Nya dijaga utk meraih redha-Nya,

bukankah itu kehidupan yg bermakna?

kehidupan yg bertumpu pd usaha utk bermanfaat kpada diri dan umat.

 

if i care about what i feel more than how i care about all of the above,

to the point where i don’t want people to say ANYTHING about my amalan fardhu,

or my attempts on the effort/usaha2 (ke arah manfaat) termasuk dlm mnympurnakan tnggungjwb atau mncari rezeki (lillahi Ta’ala) & etc,

and then i don’t want to jaga my perhubungan dgn ciptaan2-Nya kerana-Nya,

then what is it that i am living for?

 

adakah utk aku spend the whole time for something yg sifar manfaat dan tiada makna?

berbaloi ke nak give up some things that are so valuable, for nothing but temporary relief and false assurances?

jadi aku berseronok sendirian di atas keringat dan kudrat insan2 lain yg berusaha menunaikan tugas perhambaan mereka kerana-Nya?

bukankah tibanya agama-Nya kepada aku adalah kerana org2 terdahulu di zaman terdahulu tidak hanya berseronok sndirian di atas keringat dan kudrat insan2 lain?

 

is it enough for me to just spend time only doing things that i want or like and only for my own selfish self, and then when i’m with people i still want to let my selfishness manifest itself so massively to the point where my feelings are prioritized above the rights of others?

bukankah org lain yg punya hubungan dgnku juga punya hak ke atas ku?

bukankah Tuhan yg mnjadikan aku juga punya hak ke atas ku?

 

boleh ke aku terus2an hanya inginkan/lakukan segala yg diingini hatiku dgn mengenepikan segala hak2 yg lain ke atasku?

 

bukankah ibarat seperti berpaut pd secebis khayalan

bila terjaga dari lena, semuanya hilang dari mata

realiti bukan mimpi2 yg akan berlembut dgn kealpaan diri kita

mungkin setiap hari adalah satu pengajaran

dimana proses pembelajaran tidak akan menunggu kita bangun dari dongengan kosong

 

“life is not a bed of roses”.

semua perkara menuntut sesuatu.

bukan sekadar kita menghela nafas dan membuka mata maka semua akan tertunai.

tidak.

hakikat hidup tidak begitu.

 

so why would you be so angry and upset over something that is so very..normal?

 

because it is normal that most desirable things require usaha and effort.

and it is normal that amalan fardhu itu sebahagian dari kewajipan.

it is also normal that perhubungan sometimes requires penjagaan dan respect.

 

jadi apa yg begitu luar biasa sekali sehingga lahirnya ekspresi penuh emosi yg begitu mengetepikan hak2 insan lain itu?

 

what is it that you’re faced with, that hundreds or thousands of other people could possibly be facing (or perhaps in even worse conditions) for a greater cause?

is it for a greater/better/good cause?

or is it for yourself and your whimsical cause?

 

saat kata2 tak memberikan erti

lalu

apa lagi yg tinggal?

^_______^

Published February 19, 2012 by crystalights

so i went there ysterday.

it was a program utk belia. wlaupun aku belia yg nk msuk kategori “belia industri” sbb dh tamat pngajian skolah/uni & simultaneously attempting to enter alam pkerjaan; tpi by dfinition locally & intrnationally i’m still a belia. nxt yr cud be a diffrnt story bcause these stndrds might be revised to accomodate d new age range (and insyaAllah nxt yr i’ll b above 25).

anyway,

it was very nicely organized and quite enjoyable, sbb pndekatan ala2 forum oleh org yg biase berdiskusi tak t’lalu m’nekan audience yg belia2 tuh. lg ader mcm sketsa pantomime sblh ptg (very klakar i tell u, i guess UIA stdnts really knoe their stuff), and earlier in the morning there ws tht very simple and interesting presentation abt wht a belia is. (i knew d speakr frm bfore, he came to melbourne during d fasting mnth to be our imam fr d tarawikh prayers & gave tazkirah as well).

[there were some small parts yg aku rase mcm kurang sesuai (tapi aku rse aku faham sbb klau tak salah, org2 yg mengepala-i bhgn2 itu bukan sbhgn dari staff/mahasiswa/pertubuhan NGO yg t’libat so i guess that it is understandable that they may not see the more “suitable” method of approach when dealing with adolescents or young adults), but i think there ws no harm done, jst a matter of how a youth would take it, tht’s all].

^___^

i guess Pembina did a great job orgnizing it, overall it was nice.

 

antara isi2 yg aku dpt grab + my “re-mix” frm d past:

1. belia in the past. were such amazing pple. tkde mase nk emo2 psl teenage adolescence or ptus cinta or whatever yg b’kaitan sbb they were among the best of men, either d companions (sahabat2 Rasulullah s.a.w) atau bersama Rasulullah s.a.w sndiri, b’juang utk agamanya.

Mushab bin Umair berusia 18 tahun ktika m’bawa tugas dakwah ke seluruh kota Madinah. Umair bin Abi Waqqas berumur 16 tahun ktika syahid dlm perang. and then u hav pple like Muhammad Al-Fatih who fulfilled the Prophet (s.a.w)’s hadith of the best leader of the best army, yg m’nawan sbuah kota yg tk dpt dtawan oleh org Islam s’lama ratusan tahun (i think u might already know which kota ths is).

2. belia —> berani + berilmu + matang + tahu bawak diri. ada ilmu tentang apa yg diikut/diperjuangkan.

3. belia yg tahu akarnya, agama dan bangsanya = positively kenal & sayang jatidiri = cenderung ke arah usaha memperbaiki umat & bangsanya = bye bye western infiltration we don’t need sveral diffrnt re-represntation of nicki minaj. (no offense ^__~).

 

hmm.

tht is some of the points i “absorbed” and “re-mixed”, hihi.

alhamdulillah for d opportunity. it ws awesome.

 

hmm.

let’s not ruin ths entry with my incessant unnecessary babble, so

i’ll jst end it by sharing this nice card we received on the prgram day:

mule2 baca ada rasa tersentuh. sbb mse mula2 nk berangkat prgi tu aku ada rase takut dan berat.

but i think now i know, that it’s worth it.

for every struggle there is somethng there for us insyaAllah,

let’s hope for the best ^___^

fikirkan

Published February 17, 2012 by crystalights

i’m not always ever-ready for anything wthout being at least a little overwhelmed or freaked out.

 

sometimes certain things freak me out.

 

like meeting people who are strangers to me but whom are acquaintances to my friends or family.

or answering my family’s phone from someone representing something over the line and trying my bst not to screw up anybody’s lives.

 

sriously.

menyesal aku angkat telefon.

dh la call tak perkenalkan diri dulu, pas 2 tibe2 nk korek maklumat drpd org.

pas 2 bile org respond, lancar je jwb dgn nada sinis/sarcastic.

mane pergi budi bahase nye?

if you really wanna call my dad at his phone number is that the way you talk to someone as old as my dad?

my dad is almost as old as this country (or perhaps even older); even if it wasn’t my dad who answered, the least that you can do is show some respect.

 

whatever.

aku m’mng rase byk bnda yg perlukan correction pun in this country. even more so than some other.

because this is our country, with our ummah in it. i believe that we are the ones who have to face it. aper2 kekurangan pun, kita rakyat negara ni, sbhgn dari umat Baginda s.a.w. ♦ Klau rase tak kena pun, bukan ke keje kita utk at least ada sikit usaha ke arah pembetulan tu, kan?

 

klau kita semua make an effort lillahi Ta’ala, insyaAllah siape tahu klau mgkin satu hari nnti org yg berpelajaran tinggi tak biadap berbicara, org berkedudukan tinggi tak mengamalkan korupsi, dan org yg dipilih mnjadi pemimpin tak mengkhianati amanah2nya. mgkin wktu tu, urusan riba’ dpt dikurangkan dan akhirnya terhapus bersih. dan tak perlulah ekonomi negara terjejas dgn rakyat2 yg dicengkam bebanan hutang2 ber”bunga”.

 

aku rase mcm marah pulak. i felt like i am automatically witholding information after i realized who this person on the phone might be.

i think i jst said that we (me and my adik) didn’t really “live” here. (because we only stayed here temporarily while we find a permanent thing to do elsewhere. so. it wasn’t entirely a lie, was it?)

ntahla.

tp aku rse uncmfortable kot. bile strangers just pry or barge “technically”, “physically” or just ‘verbally”.

 

memang tak selesa sgt dgn perbuatan mcm tu frm othr pple.

i mean if i wanna let anyone “in”, i wanna do it on my own terms. that is how “private” i can be sometimes.

 

.

 

hmm.

tmorow ader seminar (insyaAllah)

i’m staying over at someone’s campus in gambang tnight.

yup.

i haven’t even met them yet before.

i hope evrythng goes well even though i’m a bit scared out of my elements fr the time being.

but whatever.

i’m trying to try to train myself to be ready to move for the sake of my duties as part of the ummah, insyaAllah.

 

lgpn, klau btul ader byk “kerosakan” yg belom dibetulkan, aku nk tahu jugak ape “kerosakannyer”.

 

anggap je la ini siasatan dan pencarian aku demi tujuan pnciptaanku, insyaAllah.

 

 

work in progress.

Published February 15, 2012 by crystalights

esok mak nak bwat knduri.

ni bukan knduri sambut menantu ok, ni jst mkn2 ksyukuran sbb khatam. sbnrnye org yg khatamnyer tu dh lame dh, tpi sbb sibuk ngn mcm2 bnda, ngn hal aku grduation lg, ayah pulak dgn event kt tmpt kje dier lg, dgn mcm2 hal2 lain, baru mnggu ni la nk bwat mkn2 ni.

it’s a nice idea, kan? lgpn Ustaz Azhar ckp, sunat smbut kegembiraan dgn memberi (org) makan.

aku tk nk la mak masak beriye sgt, mak pun dh 50 smthng kn & these thngs can be quite energy-cnsuming. tpi ye la name pun knduri kan.

let’s jst let her do it the way that she wants to do it. lgpn dier mcm happy je nk jmput2 org ke tmpt yg nk dbwat mkn2 tu. siap ter “call” kwn dier pkai hp aku lg tuh, huhuhu.

aku tk pndai sgt msak lauk2 tradisional nih, so klau bwat kje2 preparation bfore+aftr skit2 tu boleh la kot. mcm siap2kan skit ape yg mak mintak.

tapi aku rase, maybe mak ingat aku nak ringkaskan sume bnda kot, haha. psl menu acar nenas dgn pajeri nenas pun tukar2 dlm dscussion ktorg, pas 2 psl cara nk bgkus mknan pun ktorg tak same idea, hahahah. dtg si ayah pulak terus tukar menu lauk daging tu, pas 2 selambe je trus gi kirim dgn kwn dier, sruh beli rempah smpai 2kilo. pas tu bile aku ckp tadi dier kater: “masak ni lagi sedap.” *sambil serahkn rempah 2kilo tu kt dapur dgn confident nye*. funny huh?

sbnrnye aku jst nk make thngs easier for her je, sbb klau sume sgt meticulous & precise aku tk nak la org tension2. kan best masak santai2 je. mak pun tak la stress sgt.

 

hmm. anyway.

maybe mlm ni lauk siap, insyaAllah.

insyaAllah pagi esok msk nasi nyer. dgn m’mbngkus.

mudah2an sume lancar, Amiin.

 

i was thinking about a lot of things tht i want/need to attend tpi aku tak tahu mcmane sbb jdual aku agak difficult skit kot. lgpn ader bnda yg klau aku tangguh dier mgkn akan m’lewatkn prkara lain lg, which might affect other pple and myself as well.

 

aku takut klau aku tak buat dgn sebaik2nya. walau org faham atau tak faham, smtimes kita sndiri yg knal diri kita. dan usaha2 ke arah tjuan pnciptaan kita tu pun barangkali satu nikmat yg tuhan beri yg mgkin kita kurang sedari. mgkin k’lemahan aku yg buat aku tak memenuhi semuanya.

 

ntahla.

mudah2an tuhan bagi ilham dan jln keluar t’baik utk kita semua, Amiin.

 

okayla.

dh nk msuk lewat ptg ni.

nenas pun blom kupas lg.

until nxt time,

ciao~

it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.

 

i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;

 

what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?

 

if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.

 

is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.

 

if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).

 

so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.

 

as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.

 

so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.

 

if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?