All posts tagged love

it isn’t just love.

Published February 14, 2012 by crystalights

i hope that what i’m about to write about, is not a way of being judgemental. about anyone. or anything much. but.

this is what i think of when i see a lot of happenings around me. for quite a while now.


i think that love should not be the reason that holds people back from what they could become.

if a person has potentials and capabilities and especially willingness to move forward, then why shouldn’t they do so (if it doesn’t defy any divine law)?

why shouldn’t they be more than what they could be just because it would provide more comfort to the people they are tied to in the name of love;


what is love?

does love mean that everything else doesn’t count?

that evrything else doesn’t matter?

what about those years that you worked hard for, those things that you’ve learnt, those people who were there taking care of your back, fending for you, fighting for you, making the effort for you?

people who’ve helped you along the way, people who love you even before you knew what love is;

and what about other people? the rest of the world who needs love and concern as well?


if you truly love someone, would you want them to put away their dreams and aspirations JUST for YOU?

is it fair for them? that you not only have them by your side anytime anywhere, you even have them forsaking their dreams for you.


is love selfish?

because no, i don’t believe that love is. selfish.

but i believe that at some point, some things have got to give.


if it means that you leave work 24 hours earlier so that the one you love can see a dying family member,

or the one you love can function and contribute as a member of society whether or not you love her more than you’ve ever loved anybody else

or the one you love can excel in her own field even more than yours despite the fact that you love her when you know you’re a prideful man;

or the one you love can be guided and corrected by you without having to put her down or below you or letting her mistakes be ignored just because you love her

or the one you love will have her dreams, ambitions and wishes be considered in the decisions that you make even if you hold the power or authority in your household

then i guess that is what “giving” in love means.

(and when i say love, i mean love dlm ikatan yg sah. klau tk camane nk ceriter bab2 household nih).


so yes

it’s not that i don’t believe in love

it’s just that i don’t want to feel like: “it’s okay to be selfish (if) i’m in love” as if love justifies everything else on this earth.


as if it’s okay to let the one you love put their life on hold just to make way for yours but you just expect it to be that way because this is the definition of rights, love and loyalty or obligations to you, the “deserving” one.

walaupun sbg “nakhoda” kamu berhak, tapi sbg “anak kapal” dia juga punya hak utk dikasihi dan diperlakukan sbgaimana dia mengasihi dan memperlakukan with unwavering loyalty and respect.

walaupun kamu “nakhoda” yang punya hak, tak salah pun if you consider what she feels or need when you practice your rights. if you love her, would you demand what you deserve, or would you feel thankful and appreciate her efforts especially when she comes to your aid willingly out of love?

her efforts that are manifestations of her loyalty and sense of duty should not be taken for granted, right?

lagipn bukan ke Rasullullah (s.a.w) pernah berkata:

“Yang terbaik di antara kamu adalah yang paling baik dengan isterinya”

Rasulullah (s.a.w) pun tk pernah mendisiplinkan isteri dgn cara marah2 di khalayak.


so i think

even if i might not know what love is,

i really don’t think i agree with the kind of love that holds people back from what they could become, or disregard their ambitions and wishes, and disrespect their feelings or thoughts, or disregard their loyalty and sense of duty and in itself, disregarding the sincerity of their love.


if we know how big it means to love,

would we so recklessly claim to love and to be in love?



Published January 17, 2012 by crystalights

of all the things tht i could put into words right here

i think

this is among those that i don’t feel like i can write with ease.


but i want to put this in writing

because i don’t want to live in denial about this.


i know that a lot of times,

i respond with anger.


i’m not saying that it’s good or acceptable

but i think

most of the time that is what i’ve always known to respond in.

my anger isn’t entirely in words sometimes,

it could be jst the look on my face and then eventually,

it’s jst out there.


but sometimes (i think most of the time)

it’s jst that things can be quite alarming, to me.


and though this isn’t always about me

i was jst thinking that i always end up thinking things like:

“how dare you get hurt”.

“how dare you put yourself in a position so vulnerable to hurt.”

“how dare you consciously let yourself be so open to hurt.”

“how dare you.”

“..when all i’ve ever tried to do was save myself and my people (like you) away from it”.


i keep thinking that allowing yourself to get hurt is a luxury

because i feel that that sense of recklessness (and sometimes thoughtlessness)

is a reflection of the lack of concern and appreciation towards what you have been given with and what people has worked hard for (for people like you).


sometimes getting hurt isn’t just one small thing.

when you get hurt sometimes you’re not the only one hurting.

when you’re suffering sometimes it isn’t just you that is suffering because of it.


consciously i always try to be as careful as i can

just to avoid hurt/pain/grief/crises/problems/conflicts

because i don’t trust myself to respond in a way that isn’t aggravating the situation

because what i know is when things other than what i expect to happen suddenly happens,

anger is the closest least hurtful emotion there is for me to feel.


sometimes anger is my heart’s language

when things get too overwhelming.


maybe i thought that at least when i’m angry,

i don’t get sad

like when my energy is spent on being angry instead of weeping my hearts out.


so i guess

i always react in anger with such things

(even when i know i shouldn’t)

i think i shouldn’t be so angry

because i have to learn that i am a human,

i don’t have the power to decide everything


there are some things i have to accept.


sbb aku hamba-Nya.


i just want people (and myself) to be careful

so that we can make the effort to hurt less

to try and be in less hurtful situations


tapi aku rse aku pn kena terime

bahawe bukn semue bnda dlm dunia ni aku boleh elak dan bukan semue sprti yg aku inginkn


aku rse aku kena cube terime kenyataan

tentang Dia dan suratan-Nya dlm semue keadaan.

Pencipta dan ciptaan-Nya.

Published January 28, 2011 by crystalights

mak ckp kasih syg Allah tu 3 kali ganda kasih syg seorg ibu.

di mana bila hamba-Nya buat silap dan salah pun Dia masih memberi dan melimpahkan kurnia-Nya.

masih beri rezeki.

masih beri peluang utk kembali ke jalan yg satu.

are we the kind of people who “take, take, take but you never give”?

sbg hamba-Nya,

tuhan ciptakan kita untuk beribadat kepada-Nya.

beribadat tu ader byk cara, tak kisahla samaada kita bekerja, atau belajar, atau lakukan apa2 pun sehari2 dgn niat tertentu yg ada dlm hati.

org yg buat sesuatu kerana Allah, akan buat sesuatu tu dgn bersungguh2 dan insyaAllah akan terpelihara oleh-Nya sepanjang waktu itu.

bila kita buat sesuatu kerana Allah, sesuatu itu ibarat ibadah kita, dan kerana kita bertanggungjawab atas ibadah kita maka kita pun tak boleh lakukannya tanpa kesungguhan.


tuhan takkan menguji kita dengan sesuatu yg diluar kemampuan kita.

kalau sesuatu tu berlaku pd kita, mungkin itu lah sesuatu yg diturunkan sbg dugaan utk kita.

dan ujian tu ader byk bentuk dan jenisnye. kdg2 kita diuji dgn kesusahan, kdg2 kita diuji dgn kesenangan.

Nabi Ibrahim dikurniakan anak yg dier sgt syg, setelah sekian lama menginginkan anak.

kemudian dier diuji oleh Allah dgn perintah menyembelih anaknya sendiri (utk dilihat sejauh mana sygnya pd Allah terjejas atau tidak dgn kelahiran anak kesayangannye, Nabi Ismail).

it wasn’t easy for him, because dier syg pd anaknya tp tetap syg pd Allah. dan Allah tetap yg paling atas dlm hatinya jadi dier pun bersedia utk menyembelih anak yg disayangi tu dan anak itu pun rela disembelih kerana juga menyayangi Allah.

dan akhirnye, kerana Allah yg paling maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang, Allah tukarkan Nabi Ismail dgn seekor kibas jadi selamatlah Nabi Ismail dari menjadi sembelihan bapanya.

itulah antara bukti kasih syg Allah.

bukti2 kasih syg-Nya ada byk disekeliling kita, dlm hari2 semalam dan juga hari2 esok yg akan mendtg.


jadi kasih syg yg abadi tu tetap dari Allah, dan takkan sama dgn kasih syg dari manusia.


so everytime a manusia hurts me, i get angry. but i just think that he is just a manusia and manusia are like that. it’s not an excuse but it’s what he is.

dan hanya tuhan yg paling sempurna dan paling maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang.

dan mungkin tempat kita sandarkan harapan adalah pada tuhan. bukan pada manusia.

sbb manusia shj tak mencukupi.

sbb tu kita perlukan tuhan.


the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights


once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.


he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).


(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.


and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.


that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.



and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down


so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.


so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?


marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.


the modern (not-so fairy)tale

Published May 16, 2010 by crystalights


so i’m at home (finished the corrections. yay!)

sitting on this old pudgy maroon couch we’ve had since i was in school

watching “giuliana and bill”.

and i think

i might have a crush on bill rancic (hahaha).


he’s smart and down to earth

and superstitious

(very traditional but upbeat)

financially wise and moderate




macam watak dlm novel, kan?


i guess i’m looking for a “i knew right then and there you were the one” mcm dlm lagu “brown eyes” tu.
because i like feeling like it was me who KNEW (macam psychic gitu)


wouldn’t having someone like bill would make you wanna do better and be better so that you’d feel like you’re on equal grounds with him?

that could be a good mental & emotional challenge.

very refreshing.


when we’re with someone who’s very reliable wouldn’t it be great for us to not rely on that certain someone?

you know, just for the sake of feeling like you’re not completely the princess in distress even though he’s always been the knight in shining armour.

you can be like joan of arc or mulan.


and he can be the king’s second son.

the one who still has to work his ass off because he isn’t exactly the next in line for the king’s throne (which would definitely go to the first son).

you know. the whole “striving for something because you’re not there yet”.

if you end up with him you won’t be the queen and he won’t be the king

life wouldn’t be that exquisite for you but you’ll be just fine.


hardworking people are the most attractive, don’t you think?


nothing in between.

Published April 18, 2010 by crystalights


you were always around.

but you’re not there.

i wanna hit you

just to see if you cry

keep knocking on wood

hopin’ there’s a real boy inside

’cause you’re not a man

you’re just a mannequin


maybe things wouldn’t be this way forever.

it was nice when we were younger and the niceties and protocol-ish manners was there.

at least i still feel like i am treated with care and respect. even if that was all there is to it.

i’ve always been a dreamer, haven’t i?


but with you there is no guarantee

only expired warranty

a bunch of broken parts

and i can’t seem to find your heart


and so i ran away.

but no matter how far i ran i can’t really get away even when you’re running away too.

we’re always trying to run away from ourselves and then we fail miserably and still we can’t be what we have been to each other

and you don’t wanna be what you have been (to me) too.

i don’t want it too.

i don’t want you to think that i do.

i don’t want you to feel that i’m waiting for you to hand me your heart in a silver platter

because i don’t want to give you mine.

you’re the wrong key to my locked heart.

my heart doesn’t beat a little faster whenever you’re around.

i was just young and naive and lost.

and looking for a very good friend in you.


you’re just a toy

could you ever be a real, real boy

and understand

but you’re not a man


i don’t feel that way with you. or anybody else.

there’s nothing there. there never was anything there.

i was just your friend.

like you were mine.

we don’t own half of each other’s soul.

you don’t have to stop yourself every single time just because it looks like it could be something.

i don’t catch my breath whenever i look at you.

i don’t feel like the world stops turning when i look at you.

i don’t feel my cheeks heat up when i look at you.

i don’t hold myself back from being what i am when i’m with you.

i don’t even compromise on things when i’m with you.

i don’t like you like that.

but i certainly don’t hate you.

but it doesn’t mean that i love you.


i don’t love.


i am incapable of love.


at least for now.


things are getting hectic, and i like it like that.

i want to do this on my own.

and feel like i deserve to write down every single word on the acknowledgements page.

i’m happy like this.

free to just be.