All posts tagged melancholic

what happened was

Published August 15, 2011 by crystalights

1. it’s winter.

a season of heaters.

and then the electric bill kinda went ballistic. it’s $951.29 for july. we had to split it to 5 and pay. and i feel like it’s my fault because bfore i came, the house bill was never like this. the monthly payment was supposed to include the bills but now that this bill went up that high, we had to pay the bill on top of the current monthly payment. i feel like it’s my fault because i can’t really handle the cold.

2. so now i have to figure out how to cut back on the heater and endure it.

3. i’m on my own now.

in this empty house.

my (ex) housemate moved out this morning. the rest haven’t returned from their homeland yet (probably until aftr mid september), and another one of my (ex) housemate has finished her studies, graduated last saturday, and returned home early this week. i think i’m really on my own now.

4. i figured that one way to get things off my mind is to make myself busy with whatever i can get my head on. at least it’s probably better to be too busy to realize that you’re on your own.

6. i hurt my back while baking in the kitchen. and as usual i’m  not sure if it’s okay to use my OSHC insurance because of my current status.

7. i don’t really know how to really go through this semester without breaking (apart).




Published March 26, 2011 by crystalights

senangnye people like you label me as being negative.

it’s not like you’ll ever be in my shoes but thanks anyway for the judgement.


i know that i am open to so many hurtful things

but the possibility of them happening so close together is so near

i am not calling for help at all

i’m just trying to protect myself.


even when i know there will always be people who are ready to inflict pain

i don’t know if i am ready for that kind of pain

but i am here anyway

and i’m not asking for help

i’m just struggling through it in my own way

sometimes when things get difficult my only consolation is that god is still there

and god knows more than i do what this is supposed to mean for me in the course of a lifetime.


i don’t know how to not be afraid

maybe i’m not you

maybe i’m just someone you would never want to be

but i have reasons for my every thought

my every drop of tears

and i don’t  want to let you dive in further no matter how transparent i am.

you don’t know what it’s like

you’re not your only kind in your crossing of paths

you don’t have people leaving you before they tell you to leave

you don’t have people subtly telling you how unsuitable you are to a lot of things

you weren’t even subjected to the kinds of things that i was subjected to from the very beginning


you’re not me

you don’t feel my pain

you don’t understand my heart


i just have to brace myself for whatever fate will bring to me

i hope that even when things get tough i would still have hope and no hatred towards anyone or anybody including you


i wanted to know that i can take the pain without inflicting pain to people like you.


i’m okay.

i’m just ripped along the edges. scratched on the surface.

but i’m not broken.

maybe you can’t break me because i don’t even know if i’m whole


tomorrow’s price and payment.

Published February 12, 2011 by crystalights

so the people that i was supposed to stay with (but suddenly cancelled) contacted their son+daughter-in-law

and their daughter-in-law contacted my parents’ friends

and then these friends informed my parents

and then i’m not sure what exactly is happening or is about to happen but

i’m supposed to contact them when i get there.

and i guess right now, for now, that’s the best that i can get to the possibility of not being homeless (although i can never be too sure about that).

i met those friends of my parents (the one who helped contact that family), and i can say that these friends are very nice and warm. they have this small, close-knit family and are rather affectionate with one another.

i looked at them and i thought: oh, so that is how it’s like to have a very affectionate family.

they don’t have everything, but half-an-hour at their home you kinda get this feeling of how they feel for each other and i guess that was something.

it was, a little heart-moving.

i thought it was kinda difficult for a person to show the ability to love, but what the heck, some people are very capable AND sincere. no questions asked, no prerequisite conditions, just honesty and a heart.

yes, some people do give a damn about each other. it’s just that i’m being exposed to the selfish ones too often that i become one myself (sometimes).

anyway, after the meet-up with these friends of my parents i felt like i can’t really entirely lay my verdict on the people who cancelled. maybe they have reasons (which i don’t understand) for cancelling my stay with them on such short notice. at least they managed to contact someone else from their family who contacted my parents’ friends who contacted my parents.

it’s a long story, but i don’t want to leave anything out.

i’m just a little unsure. confused. forlorn. about a lot of things.

and my thoughts are a mess and so writing them down is a process of sorting them out.

maybe i’m just dizzy because i felt something back then when i was snapped at in my own home but refusing to hide and cry because it’s not the right time to be defeated?

maybe i was starting to wish for things that i can’t have right now like a family/person who could understand?

i don’t know anymore.


i could try to be where they want me to be but at what price?

isn’t there always something to lose?

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things


i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.


so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.


we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.


and yes


i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified


i have around 19 days left before the end begins


i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.


so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.



here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell


to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights


sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.


sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.


sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.


so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return


we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another


and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.


i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.


i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.


i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it

“who you are is not where you’ve been”

Published November 9, 2010 by crystalights


i guess you really did it this time

lost yourself in your warpath

lost your balance on a tightrope

lost your mind tryin’ to get it back


wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?

always a bigger bed to crawl into

wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?

and everybody believed in you?


i wished i knew if i am at the right place at the right time doing the right thing.


if life is a fair trade,

in exchange to not getting what i want, what will i get in return?

in exchange of not seeing what i should, what will i see in return?

in exchange of not knowing what i must know, what will i know in return?


the funny thing is that i believed that i did everything right.

i did what is expected of me.

i found what i should search for.

i completed what is entrusted to me.

i acquiesced with what is forbidden to me.

and i never really looked back again.


but still

what’s in it for me?

what about me?

what about what i want? what i need?


i guess somehow i understood izzie’s twisted request from a dying man like danny.

because sometimes,

you just wouldn’t, couldn’t, bring yourself to have it any other way.


even if you do,

can your heart take it?




Published October 6, 2010 by crystalights


i hear this song

beautifully repeating itself

in my head when i’m awake.


A D I L K A H ♦I N I ♦U N T U K K U


aku memilih dia 

(i chose him)

bukan karena cinta padanya

(not because i love him)

aku memilih dia

(i chose him)

hanya karena kau tinggalkan aku

(only because you left me)

kau tinggalkan aku

(you left me)

di sini sendiri

(here alone)

aku memilih dia

(i chose him)

sejak kau khianatiku

(since you betrayed me)

dunia seolah

 (the world seemed)

akan runtuh

(like it would crumble)

dengan memilih dia

(by choosing him)

aku mencoba untuk lupakanmu

(i am trying to forget you)

untuk melupakanmu yang menyakitiku

(to forget you who hurt me)

aku memilih dia

(i chose him)

adilkah ini untuk ku

(is this fair for me)

atau cukup

(or enough)

adilkah ini untuknya

(is this fair for him)

dia yang selama ini mencintaiku

(he who has all this while loved me)

dengan tulus


dan sepenuh hatinya

(and with his whole heart)

dosakah kini diriku

(have i now sinned)

yang tak pernah membalas arti cintanya

(for not returning his meaning of love)

karena cinta sejatiku

(because my true love)

telah menghilang

(has disappeared)

telah habis terbawa oleh mu

(has been gone carried away by you)

dengan memilih dia

(by choosing him)

aku mencoba untuk lupakanmu

(i am trying to forget you)

untuk melupakanmu

(to forget you)

yang menyakitiku

(who hurt me)

aku memilih dia

(i chose him)

ku memilih dia

(i chose him)