minutes

All posts tagged minutes

jalan masih panjang

Published December 12, 2011 by crystalights

 

after autumn passed

and winter left

spring was here

but now summer’s beginning.

 

sometimes

it is worth the burning heat if it means you can stare at the sun sinking against the horizon

 

sometimes it’s bearable

because while it lasts there’s a beauty that surpass

 

i’m looking forward to tomorrow,

may our hearts be brave

 

and may Allah help us to the rightful path,

and teach me what i should know,

Amiin.

 

insyaAllah,

The One Who Creates will not simply forsake;

this i believe is true.

and everything just falls into place.

Published November 19, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m in the middle of some closet clean up/tidying.

 

i realized that i might go for some classes and activities and whatnot, so i may not always have lots and lots of time left before mom and mak long comes here.

 

and yesterday mom called, her (travel) visa’s done (i think). she’s probably just happy and waiting to get out and come here for some sight-seeing or something.

 

i think, the more i think of it, the more i feel like i should have just returned after my final submissions..but since there’s the graduation to think about, plus mom wants to come and see the graduation and this place, plus i don’t think if i go back it would be easy for me to return again (even if it’s just for a graduation ceremony) considering the amount of physical and emotional disentanglement it took for me just to come and stay here, so yeah, i think (and i believe that) there’s a purpose why i’m still here (until december).

 

after i clicked the button for my final online submission of my final assignment of my final semester, everything does feel like it’s final.

 

i am leaving, insyaAllah.

 

and then i have to think about what to do next. no i have to think about what to do next before i even leave.

 

i’m not gonna be young forever.

 

not gonna live forever.

 

i tried what i felt like i could do to take care of a lot of things, but not all of them end up the way i want them to be.

because reality may not always be predictable.

and people change.

i think i, myself of all people, would know what that means.

it’s not gonna be just like a ride in the park.

you pay and you get on and then after you get off you can take another one.

 

it isn’t that simple.

 

so because i’m still here i have to try and make some good come out of it, right? i believe that there is a purpose why i’m still here.

 

i can’t get a temporary job as for now, but i’m taking some time attending things, looking for opportunities to learn some things, so i guess it’s ok.

 

i just. wanted to feel like i’m making use of what time that i have left here.

 

i think i spent the entire year thinking. no, probably my entire teenage to young adulthood up until now (still thinking, i think).

 

the days after my final assignment submission was probably spent in and out of unconscious wonder

 

how did i get through that?

 

i remember reading that assignment and thinking: oh. did i write all that?

 

a few days before my final assignment’s submission, some unhappy things happened.

so i figured i had to run away 

but at least try to finish my final assignment.

because as much as i want to allow myself more thinking and wallowing and extremely emotional release,

i can’t graduate without submitting my final assignment.

so i prayed, and pulled myself together, and left the house.

before i left tht day, i remember telling myself to never come back unless i finish all that i have to do.

(because coming back would mean allowing that upsetting reality to set in and surrendering to my emotional side)

so i left and stayed in campus

i tried to do what i could, but then night time comes and i slept under the table in the grduate lounge but woke up at around 3a.m with no one around and then changed places and slept at the table in the computer room until it was around 4 or 5a.m.

and then i went to the musolla.

afterwards after the sun came out i continued to work on my assignment but by that evening i feel so tired and sad, even when i feel like i still have to do more

so i asked my friends and they’re ok with me sleeping over

and that lead to me spending a few days cooped up at my friend’s place finishing up the assignment, using their stuff, computer, etc; i didn’t even leave their house during that period and only ate what was in their kitchen and living room.

by the time i almost finished my assignment, they ran out of bread, hzelnut choc spread, and cereals.

 

i feel so sorry for them.

 

but it was so good.

 

everything just falls into place.

 

and by the midnight before the dateline,

 

i felt like i was ready to submit the assignment.

 

i think

this is how life happens

it’s all arranged into place

by our one and only Creator

i got upset, went away and stayed overnight in campus, and because of that i  felt uncomfortable, restless and tired, and so i sought for a place to go to, and then end up in my friend’s home, who’ve finished their exams and are on temporary jobs so i could use her computer to finish my assignment there before submitting it online in that house

it all makes sense to me

that this is probably what needs to happen in order for me to reach that end goal

that in life sometimes this is how things just fall into place

how everything that is destined to happen will happen

how god has arranged everything for us in the best way even when we may not understand it

i believe that Allah knows best.

 

so while i’m here,

even when i’m yearning to go home even more now that we’re almost entering the last month of 2011,

i want to attend extra classes, meet some people and do some more readings

i want to feel like i’m doing what i could to fill my time while i wait for that flight home

and i want to be

among those who are thankful to the One who created me

Subhanallah,

Alhamdulillah.

 

pride and persistence

Published November 16, 2011 by crystalights

so i sent that message to you

because even after all that has happened all this time

i know that there are things that are more important than my self-assured pride

i should have known

that being the only one thinking that way

could mean being hurt more than what i’ve ever imagined

.

i think i understand

that sometimes some people find some things more difficult to give away

but some people gave them away anyway (no matter how difficult)

because giving is what you’ll eventually have to do

in order for you to receive

and what is more valuable than your selfish pride and egoistic perceptions

is something that you cannot create with your own hands

.

because you live in a big world, no matter how small it is

and you’re a small soul, no matter how big you dream

and you’re not entirely independent, no matter how much you believe that you are

you’re not above and beyond those whom you’ve known

you can’t bend the wind and move the earth at your will

you can’t even put a heart at your beck and call

perhaps not even your own heart

you are just another creation with the roles of which you are created for

so don’t

make me feel 

like i owe you the world

when i have believed

that all that i’m trying to do

was live up to that role

and this name

the reason of my return to the same road after all this

wasn’t for you or because of you

it was for that role and this name.

.

because underneath all the mess

someone’s got to do what they can to fix the damage

and i’m not sure if it will be you

so i guess

i’m gonna have to

do more than what i used to do

or what i would have done in my distant past

of which you were partly part of

but perhaps not as crystal as when we parted before our parting

.

 

mirror mirror on the wall

Published March 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

i didn’t know earlier that i would be sleeping alone in this empty house yesterday night with all the lights on.

oh

silly me

and then morning came and i don’t know why evryone seems to be awake so darn early on a sunday morning like this.

the phone was buzzing and my sleep was chopped into bits AGAIN

so i got up and CLEANED MY ROOM (wow!) with the exception of the wardrobe, and i’m going to go get ready in about an hour’s time.

actually, i always need about an hour and a half to get ready. even if it’s just for work. or class. or whatever.

and that is strange because i don’t even really wear make up.

but i always take that long. (even when i usually have my outfits ironed out the night before).

maybe it’s the 25 minutes in the bathroom+toilet.

and the 10 minutes dressing up

and the 5 minutes packing up

and the lots and lots of minutes in front of the mirror.

View Image

i’ve always wanted one of these (!)

but the one that i spend lots and lots of time with are just the ones on the wall

*sigh*

i wanna watch george clooney’s “up in the air”.

i wonder if it’s really good (like what some people say).

because george is always playing one of those big-shot characters like a doctor, or a business-ish man, or a professional million-dolar swindler/stealer/robber, or a high-ranking military personnel and ALL THAT JAZZ.

i wanna see mushy george in denial over a possible mushy relationship (yummy!)

hopefully there’re tickets for that today *is hoping*

^_~

photo creds to naquiba