i’m in the middle of some closet clean up/tidying.
i realized that i might go for some classes and activities and whatnot, so i may not always have lots and lots of time left before mom and mak long comes here.
and yesterday mom called, her (travel) visa’s done (i think). she’s probably just happy and waiting to get out and come here for some sight-seeing or something.
i think, the more i think of it, the more i feel like i should have just returned after my final submissions..but since there’s the graduation to think about, plus mom wants to come and see the graduation and this place, plus i don’t think if i go back it would be easy for me to return again (even if it’s just for a graduation ceremony) considering the amount of physical and emotional disentanglement it took for me just to come and stay here, so yeah, i think (and i believe that) there’s a purpose why i’m still here (until december).
after i clicked the button for my final online submission of my final assignment of my final semester, everything does feel like it’s final.
i am leaving, insyaAllah.
and then i have to think about what to do next. no i have to think about what to do next before i even leave.
i’m not gonna be young forever.
not gonna live forever.
i tried what i felt like i could do to take care of a lot of things, but not all of them end up the way i want them to be.
because reality may not always be predictable.
and people change.
i think i, myself of all people, would know what that means.
it’s not gonna be just like a ride in the park.
you pay and you get on and then after you get off you can take another one.
it isn’t that simple.
so because i’m still here i have to try and make some good come out of it, right? i believe that there is a purpose why i’m still here.
i can’t get a temporary job as for now, but i’m taking some time attending things, looking for opportunities to learn some things, so i guess it’s ok.
i just. wanted to feel like i’m making use of what time that i have left here.
i think i spent the entire year thinking. no, probably my entire teenage to young adulthood up until now (still thinking, i think).
the days after my final assignment submission was probably spent in and out of unconscious wonder
how did i get through that?
i remember reading that assignment and thinking: oh. did i write all that?
a few days before my final assignment’s submission, some unhappy things happened.
so i figured i had to run away
but at least try to finish my final assignment.
because as much as i want to allow myself more thinking and wallowing and extremely emotional release,
i can’t graduate without submitting my final assignment.
so i prayed, and pulled myself together, and left the house.
before i left tht day, i remember telling myself to never come back unless i finish all that i have to do.
(because coming back would mean allowing that upsetting reality to set in and surrendering to my emotional side)
so i left and stayed in campus
i tried to do what i could, but then night time comes and i slept under the table in the grduate lounge but woke up at around 3a.m with no one around and then changed places and slept at the table in the computer room until it was around 4 or 5a.m.
and then i went to the musolla.
afterwards after the sun came out i continued to work on my assignment but by that evening i feel so tired and sad, even when i feel like i still have to do more
so i asked my friends and they’re ok with me sleeping over
and that lead to me spending a few days cooped up at my friend’s place finishing up the assignment, using their stuff, computer, etc; i didn’t even leave their house during that period and only ate what was in their kitchen and living room.
by the time i almost finished my assignment, they ran out of bread, hzelnut choc spread, and cereals.
i feel so sorry for them.
but it was so good.
everything just falls into place.
and by the midnight before the dateline,
i felt like i was ready to submit the assignment.
this is how life happens
it’s all arranged into place
by our one and only Creator
i got upset, went away and stayed overnight in campus, and because of that i felt uncomfortable, restless and tired, and so i sought for a place to go to, and then end up in my friend’s home, who’ve finished their exams and are on temporary jobs so i could use her computer to finish my assignment there before submitting it online in that house
it all makes sense to me
that this is probably what needs to happen in order for me to reach that end goal
that in life sometimes this is how things just fall into place
how everything that is destined to happen will happen
how god has arranged everything for us in the best way even when we may not understand it
i believe that Allah knows best.
so while i’m here,
even when i’m yearning to go home even more now that we’re almost entering the last month of 2011,
i want to attend extra classes, meet some people and do some more readings
i want to feel like i’m doing what i could to fill my time while i wait for that flight home
and i want to be
among those who are thankful to the One who created me