mixed feelings

All posts tagged mixed feelings

temporary home

Published February 16, 2011 by crystalights

so we have to bertolak awal just because of him.

and then the next day would probably just be us waiting around sampai dier habis kerja, before we can really go anywhere.

what’s the point in going early if i cannot uruskan my unfinished business?

aku ni takde life ke?

aku dgar ckp dier because i am raised this way- must show respect to people older than you. have to listen. have to swallow and live. have to deal with ugly and awkward situations on my own because no one can really be trusted to have your back unless it’s in one of those sick perverted ways yada yada yada..


like he said: flight aku mlm supaye senang for him, after sending me in the evening then people can just go back and rehat (no need to worry about traffic, congestion, breakfast, lunch, and so on), 8.30 mlm dh msuk tempat berlepas, tak nmpak muke dh.

he talks like i’m a chore.

a job to be done.

a task to be finished.

and sometimes. like i’m a property he’s investing in. (must make money. must get high-paying job. must have massive savings).


most of the time, i just go along with it.

just bear with the whole set-up.

but sometimes,

sometimes i get tired.

especially when i have like 3 days before i have to go away and i have to leave home earlier than i should just because of him.


i refuse to feel this feeling inside me

sometimes he makes me feel like this place is just a temporary home

for me

but even then, i feel like anywhere else wouldn’t be as home as this place that i’ve known as my home

where i’m heading towards, would be a temporary place too

isn’t everything all like this

temporary places

temporary people

temporary relations

nothing in this world is permanent.


the closest anyone gets to forever,

would be just a place where your heart calls shelter.


’cause a halfway house can never be a home

at night she whispers to her baby girl

someday we’ll find our place here in this world

this is our temporary home, it’s not where we belong

windows and rooms that we’re passing through

this is just a stop on the way to where we’re going

i’m not afraid because i know, this is my temporary home


the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights


once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.


he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).


(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.


and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.


that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.



and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down


so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.


so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?


marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.


one fine day.

Published December 12, 2010 by crystalights



i lost my post.

all those writings = gone.

i can’t believe wp didn’t autosave that.


i hate it when this happens.



i don’t care,

i’ll still put a piece of it here.




deep breath.

one more time.


that day when flowers fall

that classroom

how come i couldn’t see

the disappeared rainy sky?

i really want to be drenched again

never thought that i still kept the courage that i have lost


you know,

there’s this feeling you get when you secretly view some people’s pages

while listening to this song.

especially if those people don’t even know what you’re up to.

but you know them.

and they know you.

it’s like

a hollow pain

at the base of your heart.

it’s stupid, i know.

but i don’t know why i feel it.

i thought i didn’t care

but why am i (even) doing this?

i should just

get ready to leave.


this doesn’t even mean anything.

no one means anything to me, right?

and i don’t mean anything to anyone, right?



i get that.

it’s fine.

i’m fine.

everything’s fine.

tomorrow should be fine too.

i’ll go to sleep tonight and go see the ocean tomorrow.

and then i don’t have to think and be confused about this anymore.





so this is me

Published December 3, 2010 by crystalights



honestly, aku tak rase pun i deserve what i got because i’m not a good person.

aku bukan org yg baik pun.

dh la cepat marah. kuat merungut.

tak suke kalah. tak suke salah.

pas tu degil. byk ckp tapi kedekut cerita.

suke lari dari komplikasi.

tak suke ambik kira perasaan org.

pas tu bengang2 bile org lain ambik kisah perasaan org.


i live selfishly, with this idea that matters of the heart would probably just tie people down from what they could become.

i live without understanding what could possibly make one complete, because we are complete when we’re born, right?

and i live with goals and dreams of achieving what i felt like everyone could do if they put their heart to it.

it felt surprisingly empty when i sat back after looking at my scroll.

i was


how does one certificate fulfill my dreams?



yg ini aku rase sgt bersyukur.

i am not worthy of it

but i feel very grateful.


aku tak tau mcmane nk bgtau

tapi nnti aku kene ckp jgk kot.

to my friends of the past 4 years.

to my friend of 7 years ago.

and also to my friends of 10 years.

sbnrnye, aku rase ader 5 org je kot yg aku nk bgtau.

yg lain2 tu. ntah la.

lg ramai org tau lg bsar tekanan aku.

aku ni, bukannye berani sgt.

ni buat2 mcm berani je ni.

agaknye bile smpai msenye nanti aku akan betul2 freak out kot.


so ayah nak pressure cooker utk masak tulang 5 kilo.

hakim nak PSP.

hazim buat bodo je.

nana nak pergi sendiri & beli sendiri.

mak sekaki dgn ayah.

kakak marini no comment.



aku nak cari e-book reader kot.

dgn a good supply of buku2 partial/half price.

kalau harge best boleh la nk splurge sikit.


tapi, tapi aku

tak nk pikir ape yg aku nak

sbb nnti aku kene pikir ape yg aku tak nak jugak.

lepas tu aku takut.

pas tu aku rase mcm nk lari.

okay. way to go girl,

freak out kan diri sendiri

agknye aku memang mentally unstable bordering on psychotic kot.



i don’t know

if i can do this.



come on now

toughen up lil’ soldier!

i can’t keep on feeling like this, can i?

i have to feel like i’m happy for me.

i can’t keep on feeling like i’ve indeliberately booked my own life trap.


of motherhood and being a person.

Published November 18, 2010 by crystalights


today my old friend gave birth to her first baby.

i remember borrowing her liquid paper when we sat in class for the first week of my school transfer.

i remember playing matchmaker when we were 14 to a guy in our class.

i remember carrying her bridal gift trays on the day of her engagement.

i remember attending her wedding and arriving when she was on her 10th dress with flowers on her hands and a tiara on her head.

and now,

my long-time friend is finally a momma.


i have her baby ultrasound pic but i didn’t want to publish it here without her knowing (it’s her baby afterall).

but it’s a baby girl.

and i haven’t seen her in flesh and blood yet. (i only saw her ultrasound pic when my friend was 5 weeks along).

this might sound crazy (for someone like me),

but i would like to try motherhood. too.

one day (when the time is right).


but what am i doing, talking about motherhood when i’m not even married (yet) haha.


it’s just that i’m 23 now.

and i think i’ve lived for 23 long years being selfish and difficult.

i should try doing something (else) now

something other than being selfish.

isn’t motherhood a nice way of being un-selfish?



i cooked something today

(although not everyone likes it)

(some people just don’t like very spicy food with strong aroma)

my dad bising2 sruh kluarkan udang dgn sotong SAHAJE.

my mom pulak memang tak suke mkn tom yam.

so tinggal la adik2 je yg mkn. with me.

my kakak pun tak nak sbb dier emo laptop dier kongg~ (bye bye loud singing and major hours of facebooking, haha). 


aku tak expect pun people to eat it. tapi agak berdesing telinga dgar org bising2 “ntah hape2 kau masak”


at least mood masak dh dtg (jgnla halau pergi)


(kalau tak nak takpela tapi aku bukannye masak selalu. hati lambat sgt nak ikhlas).


let me be

Published October 15, 2010 by crystalights


personally, i don’t usually like writing something like this down

but because i somehow feel that it’s a big contributing factor to my feelings and actions for tonight, then i guess i’m jst gonna write it down anyway.

: it’s that time of the month again.

and i don’t feel so fine.


i am often emotionally unarmed at times like this.

it’s unnerving to be so vulnerable.


i feel so stupid.


i wanna ask dad about my potential students but he’s been rather pre-occupied lately.

sometimes i feel like i’m in the way

so i guess i just try to stay out of his way (so that he won’t give me a hard time for not doing what he wants a few months ago and ending up like this)

no regrets, remember?

i did what i felt was right at that time anyway.

but afterwards when i wanted to do what i should do he wouldn’t let me

so technically, i tried.

he’s just somehow always in the way.

or maybe, we’re always in each other’s way

sometimes i feel like i’m suffocating underneath all that but i still do it because i couldn’t stand the catastrophic aftereffects if i don’t.


it wasn’t because i was afraid of what would happen

it’s because i can somehow predict how it would be

like a premature intuition

the end is what i was trying to avoid.


i feel so old

but i’m not even anywhere yet.


i could just sleep it off

but i know it would come back and haunt me when i open my eyes

it’s like a constant thought submerged in my subconsciousness

: all this time, what have i ever done that was truly what i wanted to do?

did i just take all that is wanted of me and turn it into what i want?

is it just my head going on autopilot, reprogramming itself to accept what is expected of me as my own and work for it?


i wanna do what i want

and work a job i love the most.


if my mum says okay then i won’t have to reconsider whatever dad would think.

but my mum won’t be the one who’d say okay if my dad says no.

i only need my mum to say okay but i’m always back at square one.


i’m 23 and i’m stuck.




Published October 11, 2010 by crystalights


tolonglah rase kecewa dan pergi.

selama ni aku tak respond dan tak jawab telefon

kenape nak libatkan aku lagi?

i don’t have to have anything to do with you and your family anymore.

tak perlu cari aku

kalau aku tak ingin dijumpai.


if i give a damn i would have responded a long time ago

but now that i’m disappearing why couldn’t you just have some sense and let go?


i don’t have any obligations towards you and your family.

i don’t have to feel anything.

i don’t have to explain.

you don’t even know me

this is how i live.

why should you be treated any different than the rest of those people out there?


tak perlu rase ape2 dan tak ingin nak rase ape2