All posts tagged moments

i don’t want to (part 2).

Published November 24, 2011 by crystalights

i don’t want you to do things FOR ME because i don’t want you to THINK or FEEL like i depend on you FOR ANYTHING.

i don’t want you to THINK that i NEED you FOR ANYTHING.

dua bnda ni, paling2 aku tak berkenan.

i don’t really like people THINKING that i NEED or DEPEND on them. for ANY/WHATEVER thing or reason.

even when i sometimes do (to some extent, to some people) have things that i want, i really don’t think i want to. with you.

when people think that i NEED them or DEPEND on them, i feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

this dependency and need is not something that i am happy with.

i like feeling like i am doing what i have to do and what i can do for my own self and for the people around me and that i don’t have to hope for anyone to do it for me because i can. do it.

if i want something, i’ll figure out something, insyaAllah.

not NEEDING people like you to “help” me.

it’s in the way that i was brought up.

it’s like my way of living.

and i don’t really like anyone doing anything to change that.


because i don’t know what i would have to sacrifice in return if i was “helped” by some people.

bukan nk berprasangka, hanya aku nk berhati2. sbb aku dh pnah face this kind of thing a few times and it’s not very pleasant. it’s hurtful.

bcause bukan sume manusia boleh give willingly hanya kerana Allah.

aku faham. i’m not saying it’s okay, i’m jst saying i undrstand.

aku tak menyalahkan,

aku cume harap tuhan pun maafkan aku bile usaha dan perlakuan aku tak smpurna

bila rungutan hati aku mencemari amalanku

bila keikhlasan itu dtg dgn sgt lambat dan perlahan, atau kdgkala lgsung tk ada.

aku tk nk letak ape2 excuse pn for my bhaviour.


i just hope that i can at least try to be better.


insyaAllah, tmrow ader some sisters’ gathering (final, bfore BFG).

BFG is: “back for good”, bukan “big final goodbye”, bukan jgk “big friendly giant” mcm dlm cerite Roald Dahl tuh.

and speaking of Roald Dahl, i found some Wonka candies ysterday (as in Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

sape2 yg bace blog ni (yg aku knal la), nak tak Wonka candies tu? name dier Gobstoppers (klau tak silap. like in that book). klau nak, maybe aku bleh la belikan & bwk balik msia.

(ha cpt, time ni la sesuai mngaku if you read my blog, fr those candies).



aku ade kje lg ni.

my friend need smthng done by mnday,

pas tu bku2 ngn nota tk hbis kmas lg,

pas tu ader some thng(s) nk buat b4 sis gath tmrow

pas tu nxt week nk arrnge bdah buku ber-duo, mayb dua kali sminggu, so blom prepare pn lg

pas tu aku blom figure out lg camane nk ulang alik airport semurah mgkin

pas tu maybe aku mcm nk pergi intrview UMK lbih kurng 2 and a hlf weeks lg yg aku blom prepare jgk.

so yes.

everyday aku ader bnda nk dbuat,

jst bcause aku dh hbis uni tasks doesn’t mean i have nothing to do

(so aku cm tk bkenan whn pple who don’t know what to do with their plenty of time is seeking my attention/energy/commitment to “fill their time” for them).

sorry, but: lu pikir la sendiri.




what happened was

Published August 15, 2011 by crystalights

1. it’s winter.

a season of heaters.

and then the electric bill kinda went ballistic. it’s $951.29 for july. we had to split it to 5 and pay. and i feel like it’s my fault because bfore i came, the house bill was never like this. the monthly payment was supposed to include the bills but now that this bill went up that high, we had to pay the bill on top of the current monthly payment. i feel like it’s my fault because i can’t really handle the cold.

2. so now i have to figure out how to cut back on the heater and endure it.

3. i’m on my own now.

in this empty house.

my (ex) housemate moved out this morning. the rest haven’t returned from their homeland yet (probably until aftr mid september), and another one of my (ex) housemate has finished her studies, graduated last saturday, and returned home early this week. i think i’m really on my own now.

4. i figured that one way to get things off my mind is to make myself busy with whatever i can get my head on. at least it’s probably better to be too busy to realize that you’re on your own.

6. i hurt my back while baking in the kitchen. and as usual i’m  not sure if it’s okay to use my OSHC insurance because of my current status.

7. i don’t really know how to really go through this semester without breaking (apart).


wedding tales

Published October 10, 2010 by crystalights


oh wow.

i thought that at least all tv3 personalities have very good command of both bahasa malaysia AND english language.

tapi tak sangke i get to listen to that kind of street-like garble known as english in that kind of ceremony.

soalan pun tak kemas.

and then he was answering her messy question while looking at her face but she was reading her cue card.

mcm ni punye cara pun boleh work in this line eh.

i am seriously baffled.

i mean seriously, how are people supposed to take you and your job seriously?

do you even understand that the person that you’re interviewing is not just some random guy?

i don’t like generalizing but i don’t think i can look at people like you the same way again.




but the wedding reception was huge. (and extravagant).

really. they even got the arabian royalty to come.

and as well as our own royalty.

but the cake-cutting ceremony dress was surprising.

i don’t really know why bernard chandran would create something like that for a malay traditional wedding.

but then it is bernard chandran afterall.

it was silver with textured glitters all over.

the cut looks big. the fit looks loose.

and the singer was kinda off-key during the couple walk.

it was the chorus of marc anthony’s “my baby you”.

and the cake. is taller than the groom.

maybe it’s the astronaut/aeronautical space thingy that i don’t quite understand, but the dress was hinting on some sort of futuristic space element (?) and the cake was shaped like that space rocket traveller (?) that he was on. yeah, i think that was probably it.


so far we only have one guy who got to travel to space.

maybe that’s why he’s like some sort of a celebrity now.

even his wedding has those little aeronautical space vibe.


no offense but sometimes i think my country is desperate for a hero.

to adore.


that could be it.


until the time comes that it is proven otherwise, i think that is how i see it.

because their adoration are truly unsubtle

(and unsettling).


(thank god he’s finally married).


(i can already imagine the commotion surrounding their first born child though).



Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights


my mum talks about her plants as if they are real people, real humans with needs.

she speaks in a guilty tone of how she feels sorry for them whenever some of them dries up, wilts, or turns yellow.

she remembers what they need and somehow they bloom faster in her hands.

she speaks of her plants so respectfully in such a good-natured way that sometimes even real humans aren’t as respectable as them.


my youngest brother treats anything art-related very passionately.

he’s into sewing multi-coloured beads onto old clothes now.

today he wore that shirt with those beads that he sewed.


my father treats anything art-related dispassionately.

he looks upon my youngest brother’s bead-sewing with a frown in such a disdainful way-

just like that time when i was younger with lots of As for my art and drawings but Bs for my maths.

i think it’s the same frown now, with extra wrinkles.

only at that time during my younger days it wasn’t just a frown.

it was a statement.

i like looking at my mum’s plants, but i don’t like looking after them.


i like my youngest brother’s enthusiasm in arts.


i’d like to think that my father hasn’t aged more than he should since my younger days.


i still have a secret love of arts even when i onced abandoned them for better math grades when i was younger.


i write what i feel.

if i don’t then i’ll feel bad for not telling it as it is.

there is no “spicing things up” as far as i know.

because i don’t know how to “spice things up” without feeling like a phony.

you know, like a liar,

a pretender.


because i live, i then write.

i don’t write to “officiate” my life.

i just live. and then i just write.