oh dear

All posts tagged oh dear

temporary home

Published February 16, 2011 by crystalights

so we have to bertolak awal just because of him.

and then the next day would probably just be us waiting around sampai dier habis kerja, before we can really go anywhere.

what’s the point in going early if i cannot uruskan my unfinished business?

aku ni takde life ke?

aku dgar ckp dier because i am raised this way- must show respect to people older than you. have to listen. have to swallow and live. have to deal with ugly and awkward situations on my own because no one can really be trusted to have your back unless it’s in one of those sick perverted ways yada yada yada..

anyway.

like he said: flight aku mlm supaye senang for him, after sending me in the evening then people can just go back and rehat (no need to worry about traffic, congestion, breakfast, lunch, and so on), 8.30 mlm dh msuk tempat berlepas, tak nmpak muke dh.

he talks like i’m a chore.

a job to be done.

a task to be finished.

and sometimes. like i’m a property he’s investing in. (must make money. must get high-paying job. must have massive savings).

.

most of the time, i just go along with it.

just bear with the whole set-up.

but sometimes,

sometimes i get tired.

especially when i have like 3 days before i have to go away and i have to leave home earlier than i should just because of him.

.

i refuse to feel this feeling inside me

sometimes he makes me feel like this place is just a temporary home

for me

but even then, i feel like anywhere else wouldn’t be as home as this place that i’ve known as my home

where i’m heading towards, would be a temporary place too

isn’t everything all like this

temporary places

temporary people

temporary relations

nothing in this world is permanent.

.

the closest anyone gets to forever,

would be just a place where your heart calls shelter.

.

’cause a halfway house can never be a home

at night she whispers to her baby girl

someday we’ll find our place here in this world

this is our temporary home, it’s not where we belong

windows and rooms that we’re passing through

this is just a stop on the way to where we’re going

i’m not afraid because i know, this is my temporary home

nothing but the truth. the fugly truth.

Published October 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

but you are always like that.

“yang kau kene tu tak teruk. lain la kalau (like this like that bla bla bla etc.)”

you always put things into your own personal logic. 

your own idea of right.

the fact is that you can say tonnes of things about other people like it means nothing at all because you’ve never been through all of that AT ALL.

if it was you, do you think you would be able to do everything that everybody else did when they were in such situations?

if it was you, if it was your turn spilling your story to me would you be able to listen to me while i say:

“yang kau kene tu tak teruk pun. lain la kalau (like this like that bla bla bla etc.)”

so dengar ni.

i have my self-centredness too.

aku bukan perempuan baik hati yg tak pernah ambil hati kecik hati atau jauh hati.

i value my time and energy and the people i spend my time and energy on.

memang aku kisah.

sebab aku rase aku tak perlu jadi mcm tu utk org lain di tempat aku sendiri.

if people want to think that i am a bad example of a person, then i don’t really give a damn.

maybe i’m not a good example of a person, a girl, a woman, a daughter, or whatever.

so?

even if i’m not a good example to the entire human population, at least i know what i am

and i am not a liar. a sugar-coater. a truth-suppressor. a belittling ass.

i don’t jump forward to spur my logic of how everything “isn’t so bad” to people when they have painstakingly poured their hearts out to me.

paham?

if there is anything that this world needs, it is not your “that isn’t so bad” quote.

if things are bad then they ARE bad.

and nothing can change the fact that it is. BAD.

.

kalau teruk cakap je teruk.

kalau tak betul cakap je tak betul.

.

just tell it as it is.

perlu ke selindungkan kebenaran setiap kali peluang utk berkata benar itu datang?

.

tak penat ke hidup macam ni?

at face value

Published August 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

my sister was watching tv and that show was on

.

i cringed and cringed and cringed

and fumbled

.

it wasn’t even that significant for me

i just told her to change the channel

and she was like:

don’t start your sentiments here.

by then, i was whining to get her to watch something else.

.

the thing is that that is probably the best way to deal with something so cringe-worthy as that.

from that male judge to the lines of contestants, i was thinking: what is the purpose of this show anyway?

.

do you think that you could even find the right “gadis melayu” in this kind of show?

come on.

who are we kidding?

.

isn’t this just another beauty pageant showcasing supposedly what people call as “gadis melayu” skills?

where does the value lie?

where’s the sense in that?

.

jawab cincai pun boleh masuk second round (sebab ape? sebab cantik la).

what difference does it make whether or not you’re the ultimate “gadis melayu” anyway, you still have to be “aesthetically qualified” enough to steal the limelight in a beauty contest.

it’s not that much different from the ones before it anyway.

macam gadis metro.

gadis sunsilk.

gadis pantene.

gadis maybelline.

gadis celcom.

gadis jelita.

.

perhaps in this country beauty is of face value.

somehow even the little littlest things are associated with a stage, a face, a spotlight, a crown.

.

sebagai gadis melayu saya tak larat nak tengok rancangan2 mcm ni.

.

sekian.

.

sleepless in short slumber

Published August 24, 2010 by crystalights

 

actually, lately i’m having trouble sleeping.

.

even if i sleep on time i would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake until morning.

and then only when the sun is about to rise can i fall asleep again.

for hours.

.

i told my mum i want black curtains, because i sleep during the day.

she was incredulous (haha).

she says with my room and my windows always shut and closed it’s already so dark and unbearable to her

(i like sitting in the dark).

.

when i can’t sleep i find something in the kitchen, or start reading, or put on my music player, or just stay in one place to think.

.

once i feel sleepy i have to immediately sleep because i don’t know for how long i’ll be able to sleep before waking up again.

even when i hear my handphone’s tone i just ignore it because moving to check it means that i’ll be awake again.

.

so of course i’m not always awake early in the mornings.

mornings are my bedtime.

.

i’m just glad that i can at least participate in kitchen work during the early evenings (at least i’m awake before that time)

feels like insomnia

 

why.

sleeping should be liberating.

not burdensome.

.

having a good night’s sleep is truly an overlooked gift, isn’t it?

.

i wished he wouldn’t mind the waking up late part though. it’s not like i enjoy sleeping in the wrong hours.

i feel bad already.

.

so

can’t you just get over it? 

awkward

Published August 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

sometimes i think some people stick to my dad more than they stick to their dads.

which is strange considering our relationship with our dad are rather spartan (?) in one way or another.

.

it’s the coming holidays.

and we’re supposed to go together, but with separate cars.

and then suddenly we had to change our plans

because someone else wants to tag along.

.

i don’t really get it

i mean, everytime we wanna tell our dad something we always somehow go straight for the kill.

no corners, no cuts, just face forward and head on.

because it gets awkward when you stall, and most of the time he doesn’t wait for you to finish.

.

we’re used to that. we know what he’s like.

.

so i don’t understand why someone our age would wanna tag along and hang with our dad.

it’s beyond strange, it’s almost disconcerting

(well almost)

.

but whatever.

.

we are soo not gonna be in the same car and not going at the same time.

end of story.

keep going

Published August 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’m actually kind of worried because

it’s in a location that i’m not familiar with

it’s like right smack in between two cities

i really don’t like that kind of environment i guess

i’ve always been a country girl

.

even when it’s not confirmed yet i get nervous thinking what the verdict would be

.

i feel so dysfunctional

.

i agreed to give it a shot because i didn’t think it would be at that kind of location

i thought it was just another simple, non-congested, easy-to-reach place.

but how wrong i was. and to only realize it when i actually arrived there

was an unexpected ordeal.

but i didn’t turn back and just keep going anyway

(even when it’s been hours and i don’t know the way and the sun was going down)

it’s like i can feel my eyeliner evaporating

.

and i don’t really wear make-up, not all the time, but this time it’s different

.

make-ups are really not my forte

i don’t even have a mirror in my room

i don’t comb my hair everyday

i haven’t worn a compact powder in years

i’ve never worn foundation my entire life

sometimes i want to wear make-up and look nice but

i just don’t want the situation when people who got to know me with make-up from the beginning, then one day they look at me without make-up and be so dissapointed with what they see

-because make-up is like that to me

they make me look too different than what i really look like.

i went out without make up and went somewhere with my friends, where someone put on some make up on me, and then on my way back people tell me i really look different.

what if i wash it off and then people don’t recognize me anymore?

i don’t wanna feel like i have to wear make-up every single day

-it’s too taxing.

.

so i only wear a little bit of them when i feel like it’s the right occassion

or when i’m in the mood for a little bit of make-up

that’s pretty much it.

.

and well

at that time that i was on my journey, i felt like it’s the kind of occasion to put on a little bit of something 

.

but

by the time i reach that place, i wasn’t even sure how i look like

-it was that late.

.

i don’t know what the outcome would be in a few days’ time but

i just can’t wait to get it done and over with.

.

heart don’t fail me now

courage don’t desert me

don’t turn back now that we’re here

people always say life is full of choices

(but) no one ever mentions fear

..