pain

All posts tagged pain

pride and persistence

Published November 16, 2011 by crystalights

so i sent that message to you

because even after all that has happened all this time

i know that there are things that are more important than my self-assured pride

i should have known

that being the only one thinking that way

could mean being hurt more than what i’ve ever imagined

.

i think i understand

that sometimes some people find some things more difficult to give away

but some people gave them away anyway (no matter how difficult)

because giving is what you’ll eventually have to do

in order for you to receive

and what is more valuable than your selfish pride and egoistic perceptions

is something that you cannot create with your own hands

.

because you live in a big world, no matter how small it is

and you’re a small soul, no matter how big you dream

and you’re not entirely independent, no matter how much you believe that you are

you’re not above and beyond those whom you’ve known

you can’t bend the wind and move the earth at your will

you can’t even put a heart at your beck and call

perhaps not even your own heart

you are just another creation with the roles of which you are created for

so don’t

make me feel 

like i owe you the world

when i have believed

that all that i’m trying to do

was live up to that role

and this name

the reason of my return to the same road after all this

wasn’t for you or because of you

it was for that role and this name.

.

because underneath all the mess

someone’s got to do what they can to fix the damage

and i’m not sure if it will be you

so i guess

i’m gonna have to

do more than what i used to do

or what i would have done in my distant past

of which you were partly part of

but perhaps not as crystal as when we parted before our parting

.

 

hari-hari berlalu

Published March 29, 2011 by crystalights

pernah tak hati rase terpanggil utk buat sesuatu, tanpa rasa pasti apa sebab dan puncanya.

waktu tu aku susah hati and then bukak Quran terjumpalah sesuatu

“(yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka menjadi tenteram dengan mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati menjadi tenteram.”

Ayat 28, Surah Ar-Ra’d.

kdg2 kita terlupa Dia selalu ada.

tapi Dia tak pernah lupa.

i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

.

disappearing

Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight

 

 

 

so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.

 

.

i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see

.

you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.

.

sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.

.

it’s not easy to be

me

 

we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.

.

i

can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end

.

i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.

.

even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.

.

ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).

.

when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.

.

i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either

.

what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

truth and lies

Published February 7, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m going alone.

no one’s coming with me.

no one’s waiting for me there.

it’s a solo endeavour.

i’m just gonna have to deal with it.

.

the problem with me is that i really don’t like making room for other people.

because once they enter and damage things,

i won’t really let them in again.

giving that space wasn’t something i like to do

and when i finally give it, when i finally believed that you are someone i could believe in

but then suddenly you weren’t; well that’s it. that’s all there is to it.

i don’t like to compromise

you can say i’m harsh or whatever

but i don’t like to give more than what i’ve given to people who wants to take more than what they’ve taken.

i don’t like to hate.

so i just. step away.

i think it’s better that i step away from some people than stepping on these people.

.

why do i have to let anyone in again?

i know what it feels like to believe in something which eventually turned out to be a lie

i despise it because i believe that

not all truths you must speak of, but all that you speak of must be the truth.

so i don’t wanna say anything anymore

because i really wished that for once can you stop pretending that you care?

if you don’t care, then you don’t have to care.

don’t pretend that you care just for the sake of fulfilling your curiosities.

.

isn’t that distasteful, dishonest, and downright derogatory?

.

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things

but

i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.

.

so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.

.

we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.

.

and yes

yes

i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified

.

i have around 19 days left before the end begins

.

i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.

.

so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.

.

EDIT:

here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell

 

to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights

 

sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.

.

sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.

.

sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.

.

so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return

.

we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another

.

and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.

.

i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.

.

i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.

.

i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it