All posts tagged personality

it’s complicated.

Published April 7, 2012 by crystalights

i think

i am a private person, afterall.

ada byk benda yg happen in my life yg aku tak share dgn semua org. sbb. aku tak suka kot. nak completely share everything i experienced.

i don’t even feel comfortable sharing the reason why i don’t wanna share. all that.

sbb nnti ceritanya pjg. aku tak mahu.



sometimes i’m not completely sure if this side of me hurts people: that i refuse to share my private thoughts and feelings and experiences with the entire population who knows the me that i put forth- which really isn’t the complete me that i myself know.

i think it’s complicated.


i think i have to think about what i share.

what i say.

what words i choose to spew out: by mouth or in writing.

because you can never really know which one of those words would bring forth undesirable circumstances.

trust me, i think i know what that’s like.


even when you don’t intend to bring such unfortunate circumstances upon the situation,

you just can never truly know where and what those words will put you (and other people) through.


so yes.

i think i might have a problem with the ‘conceited’+’reckless’ kind of attitude when people just say whatever they want, whenever they want to, even when it isn’t completely true and isn’t completely appropriate.

especially when it’s completely presumptuous. and pompous. and self-flatteringly ridiculous.



i like writing like this.

where i put together words that might all mean similarly the same but describe each of it so specifically that there is very little room for people to actually interpret it any more different than i intend it to be-

because i don’t want it to mean anything other than what i intend it to mean-

not to hurt or to patronize

but actually to give a little exposure and a small reminder-

that careless, thoughtless words can be unconsciously damaging,

whether you realize it or not.

if it doesn’t damage you, it might damage or affect the people around you.


so yes.

don’t assume that you’re special,

that the whole world revolves around you.

don’t assume that things work because of you,

as if you are the reason that all good people persevere in all the good things.

don’t assume that people would move mountains because of you.

as if you deserve it. as if you are the reason why everything is worth every effort.

don’t assume that people need you like they need the sense of rightfulness in their hearts

because you are only you-

a human being

with human character and emotions and capacity

and you are only able to do things that Allah has willed for you to do or achieve.

you are not the reason for all good things,

you are the product of good, good things.


you didn’t get all that you have because you completely deserved it,

but rather, it has always been Allah’s mercy upon you that you are given what you’ve been given.


and that is why

i think i feel like i can see how

my close friends don’t treat me any differently even after so much has passed all this while

as if we are all still the same

because money, position, life status and accomplishments doesn’t change the way we are among us

no one has to treat anyone differently just because of what we’ve become


so yeah.

i don’t find it that desirable to share my private side with people,

because some characters are a bit tough to tolerate,

and my weakness is that i don’t have a lot of patience.




Published December 5, 2011 by crystalights


dlm hidup ni i’m still searchng for somethng yg aku rase aku masih blum dpt.

mgkn sbb aku tk ckup mncari

kelemahan tu ada pd aku,

aku tk salahkn sesiape.


right now full results masih blum kluar lg

ader lg 1 subject yg blum ada result

i tell myself to not worry or have that fear

because i want my fear to only be towards The One who Created me


but i’m still trying


insyaAllah hri ni ada interview kt city

it’s frm a malaysian university,

i’m still thinking about some things,

not sure how it will work out.


aku harap aku sedar bahawa apa pun yg tuhan tentukan utk aku, itulah yg terbaik utk aku.




La hau la wa la quwwata illa billah.


saat2 mcm ni, ksibukan aku tk mcm ksibukan dlm smester

tk mcm ksibukan yg lbih mencabar physical & mental yg aku kene attend classes, buat groupwork or individual work, kejar due dates, find out about things at the same time luangkan mase utk perkara2 non-campus.

skrg, ksibukan aku masih ada lg ruang2 yg lain

even when i attend other things, i still feel that longing of going back soon.

maksudnyer kesibukan aku tak ckup maximum utk memadamkan rase ni.

it’s like a drug. like i need a distraction so that i don’t feel like i’m deprived of a home that i think i need to come home to.


aku rasa berdosa

sbb dlm hati dan diri aku ni tak ckup dibina satu perhubungan yg sempurna antara aku dan Pencipta-ku

sbb tu lah hati aku tak tenang,

sbb aku rase mcm jauh dari Dia.

klau hubungan aku dgn Dia lebih smpurna

s’kurang2nya, prasaan yg mendukakan aku bukan perkra2 duniawi, tapi perkara2 yg menghalang jalanku mendekati-Nya dan mencari redha-Nya.

i think,

my worries are still petty and perhaps inconsequential.

ape yg aku risau dan takut tu, rsenye bukan betul2 sesuatu yg aku patut risau dan takutkan


sesungguhnya Allah dh tntukan semuenye utk setiap insan.




smlm i think, i realize a lot of things.

no, bukan smlm je, i think stiap hari ada sesuatu yg baru yg tuhan izinkan utk diperlihatkan kpd aku.

smlm, dlm hari kluarga yg aku attend tu, aku nmpak quite a few pple bawak kluarga dtg.

and then i see how these students (like me) have that character resemblance which relates to their families, especially the parents.

when i saw their mothers,

i think i understand a little more of their sons and daughters.

i think, i looked at this person and i guess i realized that

all this while there was still a side that i did not know of

i think,

when a child is left on his/her own for most of his/her younger life

he/she becomes the kind of person that adapts to things that requires his/her own inner strength

and sometimes, it might not be an easy and pleasant thing for him/her,

and not everyone can become this,

but because that was wht happened to them, then that is part of what makes them the way they are


people who were left behind,

they grow differently than people who were molly-coddled their entire life.


it’s like the affectionate and non-affectionate thing.

i guess sometimes you might just become something that has adapted to the things that you’re used to.



bukan semua org grow up in the same manner

and bukan semua org ada the same mannerisms

sometimes byk benda yg tlah berlaku terhadap seseorg yg kite tk nampak

yg kita nampak adalah hasilnya

slpas semua yg dh terjadi tu membentuk sbhgn peribadi seseorg tu


so i think,

i have to remind myself that even when i think i know someone

there are still things that i might not know of.



i want to go and bersiap.





this is the real world.

Published August 8, 2011 by crystalights


in the real world, people don’t usually consider your needs.

generally speaking, they don’t wait for you to agree,

they don’t consider your understanding,

they don’t mind losing whatever little loss it means if they don’t have your commitment,

they don’t really care.


in the real world, people love their pride.

generally, they like knowing that they are capable of something even if it means someone else is gonna look almost incapable,

they like making clear that they know what they really know especially if they think that they are among the few who knows,

they love their pride enough to think that what they think make sense at least at one puny little point or another,

they want to think in the way that they think is substantial.


i think that there is nothing substantial in something that is solely what we think.

for something to be substantial, it isn’t merely one person’s spew of words with nothing else to substantiate it.

isn’t that like a revolutionized self-assurance?


berbalik pada asal usul,

Rasulullah pun tak berbuat sesuka pendapat sendiri.



aku rase mcm stress.

sbb aku tak suka keputusan yg “instant”.

mcm mi segera.

instantly made.

instantly nice-looking (in the beginning).

pas tu, instantly soggy.

lembik. rapuh.

tak cukup substance.


aku tak suka benda yg hancai.


aku tak suka dialog2 mcm “’s not like they’re gonna assess us anyway..” pas tu nk sruh org tulis benda yg mcm tak make sense because “’s not like they’re gonna check/give marks or anything..”


aku tak suka bila org mcm tak really show interest of listening to what i’m talking about in a group discussion because you’re too preoccupied with talking about whatever and then when you’re not too busy talking you still don’t really listen. is it because you’re too fly for my point of views? but you listen to someone else’ point of view or ask them the same thing that i asked you. is it because you wanna know what that someone thinks? is it because you don’t think of me the same way as you think of that person?


aku tak suka “..let’s discuss by email..” (padahal dh discuss mase meeting), pas tu nk pakai email utk change the decision and cerita 1 session of presentation based on 3 different readings; wei, baik tulis essay je wei


bile kene work based on different readings, aku bukan harap nak discuss readings tu dlm email pun. readings tu masing2 pndai2 sndiri la. yg aku nak is what we want to come up with based on the readings. bukannyer readings tu cerita psl aper.

yg tak best nyer aku pun ulas la jgk skit, ye la tk nak la ada assumption as if aku tak baca readings tu pulak.


aku stress sebab aku rase mcm aku sorang je stress dlm kelas2 ni sume.

kenape aku tak bleh chill je.

oh right. i have like an entire world to think about other than myself. can i ever afford to just chill and relax je? isn’t that a luxury? i didn’t come here for free.

sometimes happiness is expensive.

so you just live with whatever cheapness you can afford.


aku just risau dgn keadaan diri aku yg sibuk dgn hal2 mcm ni


masa aku utk ramadhan pun mcm terjejas.


aku tak nak la complain, tapi kdg2 rase cam bengang pulak sbb tak bleh nak control what i feel.


mcm tadi.


Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights


sometimes i feel sorry for karev.

all the people he’s ever loved left.

and then he’s the one left to pick up the pieces, toughen up, and just survive.

and not show hurt or pain.

just discomfort and resentment.

but no, not the pain.

the pain must not be shown to the common eye.


no wonder he’s the jerk.

well that isn’t justified by anything, but still.

try being through shit and see if you can still be an angel.


 whatever that means.


i write like

Published December 25, 2010 by crystalights


so it turns out that i mostly write like : Cory Doctorow  

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!


and also : J.D. Salinger.

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

i tried it with several of my writings and the analysis showed that i write like Cory Doctorow (3 out of 6 tests) and J.D Salinger (twice).

the other writer that i write like is : Gertrude Stein.

so i spent what’s left of my afternoon on a search for their life stories and backgrounds.

i wanted to know if there is something there in common that is related to the way we write.

we have a 39 year old canadian man, a reclusive american man who passed away earlier this year and an american woman who was friends with picasso when she was alive (picasso drew a portrait of her in 1906).


Cory Doctorow’s “down and out in the magic kingdom” science fiction won the Locus Award for best first novel in 2004. yes, that was only his first novel, and a beginning to his other array of works and writings. he allows the sharing and distribution of his work as long as they’re for non-profit and non-commercial purposes, a.k.a “creative commons : some rights reserved” license.


J.D. Salinger wrote “the catcher in the rye”. “the catcher in the rye” was a development of “slight rebellion of madison” which was written almost 10 years before the former was published. he was still writing while he was in the army for WWII, and was then in contact with Ernest Hemingway. so after the war, “the catcher in the rye” was completed. but he rejected all attempts of securing the rights for this particular piece into the silverscreen and so even spielberg was turned down. owh and “the catcher in the rye” was banned in several countries because of how the story was told and what it was about, as a whole.


Gertrude Stein assembled a modern private gallery and was the mentor of ernest hemingway. she studied psychology, then embryology and was in med school for a while, before she moved on and wrote the autobiography of alice B. toklas which became a bestseller. alice was more than a friend.


cory was born on the 17th of July, the same month as me but mine was on the 10th (of July).

cory likes sharing his work openly. he blogs, writes, co-edits, and is a digital-copyright activist.

J.D liked writing but didn’t really enjoy the crowd and the whole extravaganza surrounding his published works.

there were some of his writings which he does not even wish to publish and that his love for writing was enough for him to stand by this.

gertrude was an influential advocator of the arts. her writings was known to be more in the sense of sound than the suitability of words.

her writings reflect her personality: bright, quirky, strong.



they’re all so very different.

how on earth was i ever writing like any of them?


owh and creds to wiki in the highlighted links.

it was a very enlightening afternoon.


my own little world (?)

Published May 1, 2010 by crystalights


i was browsing (while reading some blogs..woot~) and i found this —> statistical (?) personality/character test (?)


it’s not me believing in fortune telling, but it’s just fun to read about what kind of a person you supossedly are and what significance you’re supposedly presenting to the world *sigh*

so my results are:



You are Gold Lion, who is rather serious and polite type of person.
You value personal relationships.
You suppress yourself and act to be a sociable person.
But you are really a person who doesn’t like to loose to anyone.
You dislike emotional atmosphere and vague attitude.
You want to make everything clear-cut.
You like to stay in your own little world.
If you get in a situation where there are lots of people you can not express yourself and act as a perfect person.
You are not very subjective sort of person, unlike ordinary women, but unfortunately you lack soft and gentle atmosphere.
You tend to be too bold.
You cannot help but stretch your hand to those who are in need.
You are very kind person who helps the weak.
You are also weak on compliments, and will work enthusiastically after someone has given a compliment.
You will go about your duty steadily and loyally, and not get in a rush to achieve the objective.
You have perseverance, and will work effortlessly until you reach your objective.
Something that you have worked steadily for a long, long time, will turn out to be an asset to the world.
You are careful and rational, and therefore place value to steady life.
After getting married, you will be a devoted mother and a wife, but you are really a very dependent person, and prefer to keep your own little world.



at least i’m the “gold” lion~


and notice the phrase “your own little world” pops up twice in the whole reading?

how strange is that.