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in full bloom

Published February 14, 2011 by crystalights

my mother’s roses

she’s been talking about them blooming since last week.

well maybe she’s just happy to see what she planted finally blooming.

.

but blooming roses don’t last that long

i hope my mum will have other blooming flowers too

so that she’ll have something to be excited about soon.

.

yeah.

i hope her orchids will bloom soon,

and this time for the whole year that i’m gone

.

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things

but

i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.

.

so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.

.

we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.

.

and yes

yes

i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified

.

i have around 19 days left before the end begins

.

i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.

.

so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.

.

EDIT:

here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell

 

getaway. get away.

Published January 18, 2011 by crystalights

 

okay so yesterday i kinda lost it.

i was just trying to do what i hate to do the most: explaining myself to people, and then

and then i broke down

and it was messy

and sorta histerical?

yeah.

tapi aku rase smlm mak doa

utk aku

and then hari ni

mslh tu slesai.

.

okay

now don’t ask me: malu tu aper

because seriously,

i don’t know if there is anything as malu as the past few days punye malu

malu wei!

.

nsib baik dh settle la jugak

Alhamdulillah

*bersyukur*

*bersyukur*

tapi aku memang rase aku insan yg lemah & hina yg tak boleh hadapi dugaan dgn cara yg sebaik mungkin

aku tak cukup isi & tak cukup kekuatan

kene gali dan bina lagi

mcmane la aku nk hidup jauh2 nanti

.

ari ni my 9-year-old brother tanye:

“kakak, berfikiran matang tu ape?”

he was trying to do his bahasa homework.

aku jst jawab ikut logik aku and bagi contoh “Mak dgn Kakak Bina”.

sbb

sbb aku tak tau pun aku berfikiran matang ke tak.

.

and then dier tanye lagi

“model kejayaan tu ape?”

and then aku jwb ikut logik aku lagi pas tu aku bagi contoh “Kakak Bina”.

and then dier ckp “semue Kakak Bina~” dgn nada pelik2 dier tu sambil sengih2 pelik kat aku.

aku mcm 0_o sbb

sbb

aku pun tak tau aku berjaye ke tak.

.

okaylah

aku pun tak tau for sure where is my place in this world

but isn’t life a journey for us to find it?

.

and last weekend was a great journey

it was exhilirating

and i actually went because i had to attend a briefing on sunday

but i went early just to spend some time out

and by the time everything’s done i realized i hated the briefing

but i loved the first two non-related-to-briefing days in which we just go places, spend money, and eat eat eat!

(i ate all the things i wanted to eat in the span of 2 days~)

my sister panggil tmpat ni tasik kejut. aku pun tkejut dgar dier sebut tasik kejut. ntah pesal ntah name dier cam tu. tapi tak la besar mane pun, jst ramai yg dtg berjogging or exercise (kecuali org cam aku kot).

this is inside putrajaya wetlands park,

the (outdoor water) recreation part.

but. it’s a bit secluded and kinda low key, not everyone knows that something like this is here.

(my sister’s one of those exception because, well, she’s always been an exception to anything hidden. or exposed).

we went canoeing. but talking is tricky because the seats are a bit too far apart. it’s like i’m talking to the wind which carries my voice to the person on the back.

the key here, is the blowing wind.

ala, stakat langgar2 tebing tanah tu takder hal la.

dayung je balik.

ader org fishing kat tepi2. you can fish here for the whole day.

our canoe : Dare Devil

the putrajaya mosque is shiny on the outside.

and shiny on the inside.

even the sun shines majestically through the walls

and out in the open

i feel like a tourist in my own country 0_o

alamanda at night

and yes.

the yellow gossiping twin-swing.

it seems like everyone sitting here has something to say about everyone (?)

tgh main badminton pun boleh rase cam nak terkekeh sbb dgr someone talking about how hot and wanted she is kat sni.

i guess it was nice, stakat nk get away for a bit tapi budget ciput, then boleh la mcm ni kan.

mcm aku ni yg konon akan get away and away next month pun teringin jgk nk get away sekitar tempat2 mcm ni before fate sweeps me away.

before i finally realize that i have no other way

yes, this was what i wanted to do, even just for a little while.

.

rse cam tak sabar nk tnggu org cuti chinese new year, huhu.

.

hmm.

slalunyer aku tak suke sgt explain tempat and things in here

tapi sbb ari ni mood baik sikit (sbb problem tu agak dh sttle), so pjg la pulak photo entry ku hari ni.

lgpn one day i can look back on this and think: i went there and did that and it was amazing.

yes.

thank you.

 

 

all in a day

Published December 22, 2010 by crystalights

 

since no one’s really home these couple of days,

i find myself randomly domesticated.

it’s painfully quiet. i guess i needed the distraction.

so i woke up, showered. taught my morning class.

did the laundry.

scrubbed the bathroom.

and cooked. (even when i’m not really hungry).

but what else should i have done i just didn’t know how to get rid of this sinking feeling (that i’m gonna have to get used to this state of being away from people).

i can’t even fall asleep when i really want to. or take a nap.

so i made myself busy.

read up on pasta.

cooked the pasta.

ate the pasta.

cooking is allright. when no one’s interfering in what you do.

it’s a good distraction.

.

so after a day of self-enriching activities (and locking & unlocking the doors wondering if i’m safe on my own)

now

i wanna try sleeping.

like right now.

.