All posts tagged questions

the story of loyalty. duty. and priority.

Published January 27, 2011 by crystalights


once upon a time there was a guy.

i say he’s a guy because i think it takes more than that for a person to be a man.

but he’s definitely not a boy, so yeah, he’s a guy.


he grew up as a street-smart guy. the kind who kinda knows everything there is to know about things.

and so life was good. he had a job, some opportunities to develop and grow, end up in great places, and got married to the one he wanted to marry. (although she didn’t).


(she didn’t get married to the one she wanted to marry. because he wasn’t the one she wanted. to marry).

but he married her anyway and so yeah, at least he got what he wanted in the end.


and then they had children.

lots of them.

and the children grew up.

and so now he has an up-sized family.

he has a wife and children who prays for him. watch his back. clean up his mess. fix his problems. listen to his shit.

while his children are growing older, they can’t fit into small cars anymore, and the food and utility bills are a little straining, but hey, it seems they managed themselves pretty well. 

they don’t demand for things, they don’t always ask for money when it’s unnecessary, they don’t even wonder aloud “why can’t i have what my friends have?”

they studied hard, performed at least above the average line, and they don’t really go out and stray. they listened well and they knew that they couldn’t just walk out and be a kid and chill and hang out and spend money and grow through adolescents like any other unhampered young child.

because they know the kind of situation they are in and honestly the family can’t afford that.

because they know how difficult it would be for the family (for their parents) if they just lived selfishly and recklessly.

because these children know what loyalty is.

they know where their priorities lie.

and it’s in the family.


that guy, who’s the father of these children soon became older and wearier.

he could have just been an older and wearier but happier man, but he wasn’t.

apparently to him, having a good family who looks after you and looks out for you isn’t enough.

he didn’t feel happy having a financial strain. he didn’t act like he was happy. didn’t even pretend that he was happy. that he has them. 

his actions show that the valuable people that makes up a family and a home, his home, his team, his pack, was not worth the financial strain. at all.

he wants to be able to spend less on them and have more comfort for himself.

he wants to be able to have more than enough money but not having to actually work more than what he’s done for it. which is basically, not that much.

he who used to do more a few years back, became someone who wanted to do less and less but still wanting so much more in return.

but since that seemed nearly impossible, he began to shift the blame and burden to his children.

that they should have used less and spent less so that he doesn’t have to pay more.

it’s like tying your feet and binding them tight so that they won’t grow out of their initial size for you to have small feet forever.

of course some people can live with that.

but some people don’t.



and when things are at the apex of a collision,

no one knows who or what can save this family from the point of breaking down


so finally, the blame game became the obligation game.

the children has to become the pawns and do well so that the father can live well and have his own sweet comfort that he has been yearning for since years ago.

he wants to sit back and relax already, even when some of his children haven’t even finished school.

but like it has always been, he always somehow gets what he wanted in the end.

like i said, the children knew where their loyalties and priorities lie.

but their father didn’t.

he has yet to grasp the sense of loyalty, duty and responsibility for him to leave his search for comfort and put his children’s needs above his own.


so my question is:

are you the child or the father in this story?

or are you going to be the father in this story in your own distant future and let your children suffer the consequences of your self-centredness?

are you willing to give away the search for your own self comfort in exchange to the happiness and fulfillment in seeing how well you’ve raised your children?

what kind of parent do you want to be? what kind of parent will you be?

and what kind of child are you now?


marriage and family requires more than just love and adoration.

and when one of his children saw how cold the room is and how the father is sleeping on the main bed using the thickest blanket surrounded with the most pillows in the entire room filled with a few other children crawling and shivering and pulling and sharing with barely enough pillows on the floor with not even a mattress, somehow that child knew, that the family wasn’t as important as he was to himself.

that the father was just prioritizing what he feels is more important first, above all else, which is : himself.



think about it (before your heart leaps)

Published October 27, 2010 by crystalights


kata-kata baik dan nasihat (?)




byk je org dlm dunia ni yg penuh hemah menutur kata-kata baik dan nasihat,

why her?


byk je org dlm dunia ni yg mengajak pada kebaikan,

so why her?


why is she the one.


is it because of her reasons?


sbb simpati dier pada org lain, so dier menasihati.

hbis tu, 

klau org yg inginkan yg baik utk semua so dier menasihati,

itu tak sebaik org yg menasihati kerana simpati ke?

menginginkan hanya yg baik utk semua insan tu tak sebaik berasa simpati sesama insan ke?

whatever the reasons, the actions are the same


whatever the actions, the people are not the same.


right now i’m guessing

you could be in love with this person

not because of how she is inside



whatever good things that you see in her

we can see the same kind of good things in a lot of other people

(but they’re not her, right? they don’t make you feel like this).

i think that

if you only see her

then you’ll only see her good-ness.


because seriously,

i think that she is a person consistently showering people with her good side just as expected of someone who is constantly showered with the good things that life has to offer.

in other words: because you’re always dipped in all the goodness that life has to offer (to you), you shine clearly with all the goodness that found you.

it is hard to be hateful and bitter and spiteful when all you’ve ever had are good, great things at the palm of your hands.

i think that there are other good people in this world who deserved better.

i think that people who have been through immense hardships, harshness, trouble, trials, and tribulations and still choose to do good and be good are as beautiful inside as people who’s raised with the good things in life and then does good and be good.

because it takes a lot for such people to not succumb to their conditions and emotions

so they are beautiful on the inside because they are that good.

because they are nothing short of amazing


so what about them?


i know it’s easier to see the good in one person if that person is the only one that you see.


if it wasn’t for her perfect life and her perfect features and her perfect clichés would you have deemed her a perfectly good person?


would you have seen what you didn’t see?


(i thought so).


it just irritates me.

Published September 26, 2010 by crystalights


so what i learnt over the weekend was:

maybe, maybe if i were to meet someone who is just like me,

i would totally hate her/him.


is it a trait in these kind of people?

to not really need but just wanted to be?


the things that i like to do mostly don’t require people,

and i find it hard to even like people;

but when i do i get pissed off when they don’t like me back

and then i do unimaginable things just to show that i am likable/ remarkable/ special/ fantastical

yeah, i am so cocky like that.


i do what i want and i don’t really explain myself

i keep, store, and guard over my things like they’re all my little treasures that i could not and would not give away, even just a little.

i arrange and put them so that they’re together, but safe. 

i like reading but i don’t like sharing my stories with people who doesn’t have anything to share in return

i only cry in public when i need to use it for something (like getting myself out of certain situations)

i don’t lie but i don’t exactly tell the truth either

i just glide my way out of things

and sometimes when i don’t get what i want i sometimes miraculously end up finding reasons to say that it’s someone else’ fault.

i always believe that even if i was wrong i would somehow find what’s right and be right in the end

(so naturally i like to assume that i was right all along. right from the beginning).

i love myself too much to love anybody else

i like to take care of myself and the people around me because i feel good about it.


i saw through his collections

there are a few patterns of similarity

it’s very contradicting when i compare our differences

and found that there are places where we are almost similar


(but not quite).

it’s baffling how irritated i feel.


he doesn’t even talk that much (except for people that he finds tolerable).

he does all the important things,

all those big, laudable, eye-opening feat.

he doesn’t need people around him, (not that much)

and he just does whatever he wants whenever he wants to.

nothing can hold him back

and nothing can make him stay.

he lives in his own world


i love my world

my home and my homies

but when he’s all nonchalant about it

i get so pissed off

because if i think something is something, then it is something of value (because i believe in it that much).


he reads (a lot. some of it i’ve read, some a little bit hard core, but some a little too tame for my taste).

he collects things. (books. magazines. tomes. cDs. dvDs. gadgets).

he likes putting them  in good appropriate arrangements as if he treasures them all together in one place (perfect and just right).

he has people who do things for him but wouldn’t ask for anything in return.


he has all the right things (almost) all the time

it’s annoying me beyond belief.


how can he have all that and still be him?

it’s a puzzle i don’t like to solve.



Published August 22, 2010 by crystalights


sometimes i think some people stick to my dad more than they stick to their dads.

which is strange considering our relationship with our dad are rather spartan (?) in one way or another.


it’s the coming holidays.

and we’re supposed to go together, but with separate cars.

and then suddenly we had to change our plans

because someone else wants to tag along.


i don’t really get it

i mean, everytime we wanna tell our dad something we always somehow go straight for the kill.

no corners, no cuts, just face forward and head on.

because it gets awkward when you stall, and most of the time he doesn’t wait for you to finish.


we’re used to that. we know what he’s like.


so i don’t understand why someone our age would wanna tag along and hang with our dad.

it’s beyond strange, it’s almost disconcerting

(well almost)


but whatever.


we are soo not gonna be in the same car and not going at the same time.

end of story.


Published July 30, 2010 by crystalights


“i’m sorry but i don’t think i can make it. ..bye.”


i don’t have to feel bad because this is just one of those things that i know i shouldn’t waste my time, money and energy on.

i have too much to lose so i chose to let this pass

and the next one is different because it’s something that i can accomodate to more compared to this one

i don’t have to feel guilty because this is life

and in it choices and decisions have to be made

and something like this isn’t entirely wrong because every little path that i choose will lead to something somehow so there must be something there at the end of it no matter what i choose to do or not do

i don’t have to be afraid

because this is my life and my decision.


language matters

Published July 26, 2010 by crystalights


“like” means:




there is always more than 1 meaning to 1 word.

the trick is always finding the right one to use.


if it is: “46 people like this (song)”,

then shouldn’t it be: “46 orang suka (lagu) ini”?


why is it: “46 orang seperti ini”?


there is even a thumbs-up sign at the side, which means “like” as in “love/fond of/fancy”.


that is why

i don’t understand why

why the little things in simple forms of language that people can already understand is translated again into another language but with very little understanding?


although it is a language that some people are comfortable with throughout their lives it does not mean that everything has to be turned into that one language.


if you can already understand it in english then why would you want to read it in bahasa malaysia?

if i can read Adibah Amin’s “Di-ruang Mu aku di sini” in bahasa malaysia then why would i want to read “Exile” in english?


it’s the same thing.

the same book.

“Exile” is the english version of “Di-ruang Mu aku di sini”.



If I could I would have read “The Alchemist” in its original language (spanish), but i don’t know spanish so i couldn’t.

i can only read and understand the english version of the book.


the point is that whatever original language it is in as long as you can read and understand it then why not try and read it and truly appreciate it in its original form?

simple things like “log in” and “log out” is it necessary for it to be converted to your language version of “daftar masuk” and “daftar keluar”?


if people only use the language that they’re comfortable in all the time then when will we ever learn?

kalau kita hanye gunekan bahase yg kita rase selesa setiap mase sampai bile baru kita blajar?


why not let yourself become accustomed to a different language through simple applications like logging in to your favourite website, or checking your e-mails, or listen to foreign music once in a while.

why not?

the least you can do is try.

start with something small.

no one is too old to learn.

i believe it’s the attitude, not just the results.


walau apa pun, bukan ke berusaha itu lebih baik dari tak mencuba langsung?


random dreams

Published July 25, 2010 by crystalights


i didn’t go to today’s wedding afterall.


i woke up and felt so dizzy i couldn’t even lift my head.


so after some sleeping i woke up again and found something to read for a bit

and then i went to the kitchen and cooked

but it turned out to be a lot for two people to eat so i scooped some and got her to send it to someone for me.

it felt a lot like a peace offering after what happened that day though


i took a shower and searched for something to wear 

i found my off-white top

my older sister’s red mickey mouse shirt

my mum’s old long skirt

my litle sister’s white scarf


decided on the top with a blue dress and shorts. but i missed those old dresses (i wonder where they are).


cooking was nice.

i wasn’t interrupted or ordered around, and the ingredients were enough.


i feel so tired i don’t know why.


there was someone who

unexpectedly crossed my mind.

i saw him in my dreams this morning, right before i wake up.

i don’t know why he’s there

i don’t think i’ve been thinking of him at all recently.


maybe that was just one of those random dreams bcause my brain is tired.