All posts tagged rants

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).


by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.


so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be


because i really feel like i needed a break from you.


i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.


i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?


you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.


i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.


i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue


because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return


and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.


i think the world would be a better place if:

Published February 28, 2011 by crystalights
  1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
  2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
  3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
  4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
  5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
  6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
  7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
  8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
  9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
  10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.


bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?


sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau


aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.


bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.


yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.


at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.


mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?


truth and lies

Published February 7, 2011 by crystalights


i’m going alone.

no one’s coming with me.

no one’s waiting for me there.

it’s a solo endeavour.

i’m just gonna have to deal with it.


the problem with me is that i really don’t like making room for other people.

because once they enter and damage things,

i won’t really let them in again.

giving that space wasn’t something i like to do

and when i finally give it, when i finally believed that you are someone i could believe in

but then suddenly you weren’t; well that’s it. that’s all there is to it.

i don’t like to compromise

you can say i’m harsh or whatever

but i don’t like to give more than what i’ve given to people who wants to take more than what they’ve taken.

i don’t like to hate.

so i just. step away.

i think it’s better that i step away from some people than stepping on these people.


why do i have to let anyone in again?

i know what it feels like to believe in something which eventually turned out to be a lie

i despise it because i believe that

not all truths you must speak of, but all that you speak of must be the truth.

so i don’t wanna say anything anymore

because i really wished that for once can you stop pretending that you care?

if you don’t care, then you don’t have to care.

don’t pretend that you care just for the sake of fulfilling your curiosities.


isn’t that distasteful, dishonest, and downright derogatory?


cerita tentang kita. kau. dia.

Published December 6, 2010 by crystalights


tibe2 aku teringat kisah tu.

mase tu kitorg diajak pergi mkn2. that person wanted to introduce to us about some sort of a card/service.

since he is also someone who works in the campus and all of us were going to go together, we thought that it was okay to go.

it was at night.

so kitorg pun dibawa pergi.

another guy was already there.

sambil mkn2 free tu, the other guy pun cerite and promote la card/service tu.

aku jst mkn je. i wasn’t really interested at that time sbb aku bljr lagi, aku tak fikir aku mampu nak jlnkn perniagaan smbil belajar. (i’m not that capable).

aftr dh hbis cerite2 sume, the 1st guy pun bwk kitorg balik.

mase nk kluar dari tmpat mkn tu aku dh perasan mcm dier nk jln beriringan ngn kwn aku, almost as if he wants to be seen with my friend.

then mase ktorg dlm kereta dan dh smpai dpn rumah sewa ktorg,

dier selambe je on lampu dlm kereta (mcm sngaje nak org ramai nampak dier dlm kereta tu dgn ktorg. especially with my friend).

padahal sblm tu ktorg dh ckp yg klw boleh kiter nk kluar dari kereta dan terus msuk rumah sewa dgn snyap (sbb rase segan klw org nampak).

mase tu, klw boleh ktorg tak nk la smpai org nampak sbb kan tak best klw smpai org tahu kiter kluar dlm waktu seperti tu dgn org itu.

wlwpun ktorg dh mnunjukkan kpd dier yg ktorg tak nak tnjukkan dier pd org,

dier mcm tak peduli pulak.


moralnyer disini, 

sepatutnye memang ktorg tak patut langsung kluar dgn lelaki itu lg2 dlm waktu yg sebegitu.

it was a mistake.

tapi sbg lelaki

yg tak mengambil kira bgaimana seseorg perempuan itu kelihatan dlm pandangan semua atas perbuatannya

then aku mestila rase sesuatu yg tak kena about this guy.


tak lame lepas tu

my friend dihubungi lagi oleh lelaki itu.

dier ajak kawan aku tu (yg stakat pernah pergi mkn skali je dgn dier dan takde kena mengena pun dgn dier) utk temankn dier beli brg.

kwn aku tak interested, so tak layan.

then bile kwn aku start jlnkn business under dier, dier keep on contacting kwn aku lgi, tapi bukan utk urusan business.

then when my friend finally nk stop doing business under him, dier pulak mcm2 hal.

my friend was asking for her money back (like he promised) tapi bila kwn aku mintak duit dier balik, dier pulak ckp: kenape bile nk mintak duit baru nk contact dier.

i was like 0_o

sejak bile pulak kita perlu keep on contacting org yg takde ape2 hbungan dgn kiter continuously wlwpun kite takde any urusan pun dgn org tu?

i mean, for all those time’s sake they probably weren’t even friends.

just acquaintances who pass by each other in campus.

it was strange. how my friend was expected to keep in touch with him as if he is anyhow related to her.

klw org contact suruh pulangkan duit, nape mesti nk bangkitkn hal yg takde kene-mengena ngn reason org contact ko tu?

last2 kwn aku rela tak dpt duit kot, drpd terpakse berhadapan dgn lelaki yg mcm tu.


aku pun mule rase

pergi mane2 pun memang berlambak lelaki yg twisted.

mcm mase ktorg pergi 1st practical dulu. (office perv).

then 2nd practical. (office fan).

tu blom msuk lg yg dlm campus.

yg luar campus.

yg jumpe kt shopping mall.


wouldn’t it be good if we would be able to receive the rightful respect from the opposite sex as much as the kind of respect we give to them?


like when miss keys sings

’cause a real man knows a real woman when he
sees her,
and a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her.
and a real woman knows a real man always comes first,
and a real man just can’t deny a woman’s worth.

susah ke utk kita respect each other?

beri kepada yg berhak.

jgn paksa klw tiada hak.

jgn desak sesuatu yg diluar hak.

hak dan tanggungjawab utk setiap org pun mungkin berbeza.

dan dlm dunia ni

tak semua yg kita inginkan kita akan dpt.

klw kita tak dpt, knape mesti hukum org lain?


mesti ke sluruh dunia dihuru-harakan hanya krn keinginan seorg manusia?


shopping. and people. and me.

Published November 25, 2010 by crystalights


these past few days made me realize that a lot of things on sale doesn’t really satisfy me.

i don’t go shopping all the time

but yesterday i was looking for the right pair of black leather heels,

and unfortunately even brand names doesn’t quite have the right kind

(that i would like).

i was trying to get that shoe-hunting mood to kick in even though i don’t really like wearing high heels

(because no matter how well-made they are they always seemed to hurt me in some way or another).

shoe shopping is always time consuming

when there’s so many that you don’t like.

at the end of it i just bought a pair that looks like something that i would probably wear if i am a 16 year old kid studying in a private school.

with some multiple colours of ankle length tights.

[i don’t understand why people don’t understand the term tights. tights generally are supposed to be from the waist to the toes. or any specified (shorter) length of your legs to the toes. if it doesn’t cover your foot and toes then it’s usually known as leggings. or unfooted tights (which may have a connecting stretch of material going underneath your foot). it’s not that hard. so i don’t understand why when i asked for ankle-length tights i get thin lycra leggings, tight pants or unfooted athletic tights].

just wiki it and you’ll (hopefully) get what i mean.

one more thing about leggings,

kalau perempuan bertudung dikatakan tak manis memakai leggings

maka tidaklah juga manis jika yg ber leggings itu perempuan yg tidak bertudung.

perempuan tetap perempuan.

leggings tetap leggings.

kalau tak manis utk seorang perempuan maka tak manis lah utk semua perempuan selagi mereka itu perempuan.

kalau rase salah dan tak suke, then jgn buat.

perlu ke tubuhkan kumpulan setiap kali ader sesuatu yg tak disukai ?

selesai ke masalah setiap kali ada sesuatu yg tak disukai, kumpulan2 anti-“something” or anti-“someone” pun muncul.

apa ertinya menjadi sebahagian dari kumpulan2 ini?

adakah dpt sampai message2 yg sepatutnya berniat murni or berunsurkan kebaikan?

ataupun kita sebenarnya meningkatkan permusuhan dan prasangka?

kalau niat kita baik kan elok kalau cara kita menyampaikan pun baik.

that is just something

that crossed my mind.


what i like is

rebuilding and refixing what is broken

i don’t mind spending a long time just sitting and sticking them back together

piece by piece.

(it was broken when we took it out of the box).

and now it’s an unbroken house again.


and i

put up with things if i feel like they’re rare

these patterns look rare to me.

sulam nyer tak berterabur

motif nyer kemas

bunga nyer berkelopak timbul

warnenye tak keras.

walaupun ader la sikit kain nyer yg tercalar

(tapi dah tinggal satu)

so i put up with it because i feel like it’s a bit rare.


i also don’t like things that are not very well done.

(who would like that ?)

the cream patterns look like they’re falling apart from each other. like they are un-unified.

too many gaps between each overlapping strokes.

too smudgy.



i pay attention to details.

of all the cakes there are, of course i notice which one’s uncared for.

which one’s rushed.

which one had probably came from a pair of unsteady newbie’s hands.

so if the person is meticulous, they usually come off as very capable to me.

i like that sort of commitment coming from people.


hari ni ingat just nak jalan shopping brg sendiri sikit2

tapi singgah supermarket jugak beli brg2 mak nak utk esok.

we were later on at the cashier wanting to pay

and realizing that the total of those groceries (plus a few items more) was over our budget.

that was a major mood-spoiler.


the problem with me is that

i have this horrible temper that even i don’t like.

i kinda knew that

if i ever meet someone out there who has this exact same thing

i wouldn’t like him/her very much.

i get angry because my estimation of the groceries doesn’t match the actual cost.

i get angry because the shoe that i like that i thought was affordable was actually almost 160 bucks

and i refuse to pay 160 bucks for a pair of (un-brand-named) shoes because (even if they’re brand-named) i’m not Carrie Bradshaw (who pays like 600 bucks for her pair of “Manolo Blahnik”s) although i kinda really liked that shoe. at first sight. and i initially thought of buying it.

it’s this temper-principle-pride thing going on in me

that pisses (even) me off.

like not wanting to give something to someone who did something i don’t like and at the same time not even wanting that thing for myself

that i would rather throw it away than give it to someone who wants it just because that someone is someone i don’t like.

it’s like me being so damn difficult and harsh and bitter.

about almost everything.


i don’t really like that me too.


(and now i sound like a schizo)



what i have been waiting and thinking about has finally arrived in my inbox today

and i realize that

there really isn’t anything much that i can do with it.

for now,

i don’t have the means to do what should be done.

i’m not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and a silver platter on my table.

i struggle with these things too as i grow up

in a five-siblings-with-only-one-working-parents family


in malaysia

you can get great food,

exceptional education, and

high quality medical services

if you have the cash.

as long as you can pay for it,

nothing should really be in the way of you getting your every wish and command.

being rich guarantees you at least that much.

for the rich (and the famous) life shouldn’t be much of a problem in this country.


for the rest of us “less-privileged” people,

we have to fight for a place in an institution

fight for a chance to study

fight for the use of a few facilities and utilities

fight for a chance to have someone support us and our cause

fight for an adequately paying job

and then suffer through taxes and price hikes and whatnot.

life is rough and brittle when you’re worn and penniless.

they say

“money isn’t everything”,

“money can’t buy love”,

but money speaks enough. for people.

and what does love got to do with any of it?

i guess

love can’t save people from hunger and pain,

love is never enough

never forever.


hell no, love can’t even save people from themselves.


so i don’t know what makes the world go round,

but one thing i am certain is that

it is not love.


door closed.

Published November 16, 2010 by crystalights


so i shut my door

to avoid people like you.


but you

knocked and hollered and weaseled your way here anyway.


you just don’t have that sense

to understand

that i don’t want you around.


i don’t give a damn about whatever it is that you need.

i don’t give anything

to people who take in everything.

i don’t give at all

to people like you.


i’m not a nice girl

i don’t do that much of good without a single breath of contempt within me.



i didn’t like it one bit

and i made it quite obvious.

if you have enough sense then you should have understood

what my whole being was trying to say.


now i think i understand why key says he doesn’t like people who just have no sense at all

because it really is an effin’ nuisance to have such people around.