relations

All posts tagged relations

aku. dlm hati ini.

Published September 10, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku bukan sempurna

tapi aku bukan pretending

 

aku bukan sengaja melebihkan rasa hati aku

aku dah pernah mncuba

 

aku tk slalu berupaya duduk di dalam lingkungan lengkungan normal

bila2 masa aku terkeluar dari garisan, bukan bermaksud aku tak berpendirian

 

susah la bila kedudukan aku dinilai dgn jauhnya aku dari garisan tu

dan susahla bila diri aku dinilai dgn satu sudut fikiran yg jugak satu bntuk pandangan “manusia”, manusia mcm aku walau tak serupa dgn aku

 

lebih susah bila pnjelasan aku dianggap sekadar habitual things driven by a stubborn need to be the rightful one

 

lama2 ada jurang

 

which probably grew with time

 

bukan aku tak berusaha, tapi dah smpai situ aku tak tahu lg nk ke mana

 

kita sama2 boleh apologize, tapi mgkin aku la yg nampak mcm bersalah

sbb tak buat benda yg boleh diterima oleh pemahaman seseorg seperti itu

 

walaupn pd hakikatnya, nilai dan timbangan setiap org tak mgkin identically sama

 

aku boleh je terima perbezaan tu, dan rsenyer aku tk pakse pn org lain utk hidup dgn cara aku

 

so kenapa aku rse mcm tak diberi that “benefit of the doubt”, eh?

 

kenapa, tak boleh ke kalau fikir: “itu PENDAPAT DIA tentang CARA HIDUP DIA yg DIA INGIN JALANI”

 

last2,

bawak haluan masing2.

 

mcm biase la aku

m’mang slalu ditinggalkn pn.

 

itulah lengkungan normal utk org mcm aku kot.

 

ntahla.

 

aku maafkan, semua.

 

aku rasa dia pn dh maafkan semua.

 

cuma aku rase aku tak pasti dari sudut pandangan itu, masalah mcm ni telah selesai atau mgkin punyai kebarangkalian utk berlaku lagi bila2 masa in the future

 

stiap kali kita bertemu sesama kita atau sesama org lain yg kita kenali

 

atau stiap kali kita breathe the same air

 

would it be a calm, normal air that is not influenced by emotional baggage?

 

i’m not so sure about that

 

aku perempuan. aku tahu tahap emosi aku dan kmungkinan tahap emosi perempuan2 lain

 

boleh ke kita bersatu hati

 

atau sekurang2nya berlapang dada di masa akan dtg?

 

aku tak pasti.

 

yg pastinya aku terkejut sbnrnye

 

bile kita say goodbye dlm tram tu as if it’s the last time

sedangkan aku hampir pasti it isn’t.

it wasn’t supposed to be the last time

but i felt that it wasn’t jst a normal parting

it was like a forever farewell

where you don’t think you’ll do anything within your power to purposely cross paths with that person you’re saying goodbye to in the near or distant future

it was like a final verdict

it was almost like a resignation.

 

throughout (and after) this ordeal

i felt almost like

something was convicted against me

and that no matter how hard i try it wouldn’t really matter to people as much if they’ve chosen what they chose before and above everything that’s said and done

 

i got hurt (again) by the people close to me

 

i can’t really be careful enough to save myself another heartache, can i?

 

the worst part is trying to not show the hurt because you don’t want to put pressure on anyone

 

because you’re an adult

 

because you’re the tough girl. the one whom people see as the hard-headed, big personality, high ego, alpha female girl.

 

the one who is really still a girl. at heart. thinking “if only people could see that.”

 

but whatever.

 

it’s not like i can fix this.

 

it’s been months.

 

look at where i am now.

 

alone in an empty house.

truth and lies

Published February 7, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m going alone.

no one’s coming with me.

no one’s waiting for me there.

it’s a solo endeavour.

i’m just gonna have to deal with it.

.

the problem with me is that i really don’t like making room for other people.

because once they enter and damage things,

i won’t really let them in again.

giving that space wasn’t something i like to do

and when i finally give it, when i finally believed that you are someone i could believe in

but then suddenly you weren’t; well that’s it. that’s all there is to it.

i don’t like to compromise

you can say i’m harsh or whatever

but i don’t like to give more than what i’ve given to people who wants to take more than what they’ve taken.

i don’t like to hate.

so i just. step away.

i think it’s better that i step away from some people than stepping on these people.

.

why do i have to let anyone in again?

i know what it feels like to believe in something which eventually turned out to be a lie

i despise it because i believe that

not all truths you must speak of, but all that you speak of must be the truth.

so i don’t wanna say anything anymore

because i really wished that for once can you stop pretending that you care?

if you don’t care, then you don’t have to care.

don’t pretend that you care just for the sake of fulfilling your curiosities.

.

isn’t that distasteful, dishonest, and downright derogatory?

.

people. things. yesterdays. and tomorrows.

Published December 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

you know,

a lot of times we women can’t always get away with wearing certain things.

certain dangerous things.

 

unless you’re barbie.

but anyway.

because i have respect for myself i would feel somewhat naked if i wear things that barely function as clothes.

we wear clothes for our good health too. to keep our temperatures right.

they’re not merely tools of fashion.

so

when you wear such dangerous things

you don’t really know if you’re well protected and secured enough from all those threats the entire universe contains.

you know, the mental, psychological, social, physical threat that comes with such garments.

as for me, when it comes to clothing and womenswear i would like to believe that it’s better to be safe than sorry.

and i also would like to believe that i, like the rest of the human population, deserve as much respect from people to not be shown parts of the human body which i do not wish to see.

they tend to attack my eyes.

.

so please.

cut down on the peek-a-boo thingamajig.

no one wants to unintentionally guess your size and all.

and no one wants to know how stretchable your outfits are.

.

anyway,

i thought it doesn’t matter where i’m going and who i’m seeing.

i am 23 years old after all.

i finished highschool a long time ago. 

i mean. we all have our moments being-stupid-with-friends and little immature occasions where things don’t go well between you and your hot-blood friends.

since i am supposedly going somewhere soon, i just thought that there are a few of my old friends i need to see, just for old times’ sake.

whatever happened in the past is in my memory but i don’t think it’s something i want to dig up and bitch about at a time like this.

at a time like this, i don’t wanna go through piece by piece and pick out the ones that i don’t like, or don’t feel good with.

i want to just see them for a bit.

at least enough for me to know that i didn’t hurt anyone and no one’s hurting me (anymore) now.

that i’m not hurt by anyone anymore.

so i don’t really understand why she’s reacting like me going to see them as something very unworthy of my time.

this is probably the only last bits of time i have left before leaving, of course i should go and see them.

of course i should spend my time on something that i have given my word to.

i agreed when one of them said that they wanted to see me.

so i should go. spend what little time i have left with them.

before i really leave for that specific period of time later on.

.

i know i’m selfish most of the time, but now i also know that i have to do everything i can while i’m still here so that there’ll be no regrets.

and if words fail me, at least my actions could show what my heart wants to say, somehow.

.

so i don’t understand why she doesn’t understand.

this isn’t a whim.

it is a need.

i needed to know that i can start with a clean slate later when i finally go where i’m supposed to be.

.

you and i

Published December 15, 2010 by crystalights

 

it was believed that the saharan dessert was once an ocean, according to paulo coelho.

well.

sometimes i kinda believed it too (just a tiny little bit).

because the only constant there is in life is change, right?

so if yesterday it was an ocean and tomorrow it’s an african desert, then maybe that wasn’t much of a surprise. to me.

.

i guess in a way,

i changed.

i wasn’t who i was when i was 17.

not anymore.

.

when i made that promise, i was young, and optimistic and an idealist, and even a romantic at heart.

i was all the things a young teenage girl would probably be.

but now things are not the same.

we’re not 17 anymore.

when i decided to go and see you, all i have in mind is fulfilling that promise.

i can’t arrange it into more than what i feel it should be

because we’re not exactly the same as we were back then.

it has been 6 years since that promise, and 7 since we met.

so yes, i can’t meet you one weekend and then meet you again at the end of the month.

because i don’t do the occasional-meet-up-and-hang-out-with-us thingy that i used to do.

this is just me, trying to carry out what i felt needed to be done.

and in a way, this is something i take seriously because i have given my word.

so when i’m fumbling with words and thinking of when and where we should meet and you say:

“don’t panic, it’s you who’ll be travelling all the way, it’s up to you, i really don’t mind. i’m here”

and i told you i’m just “scared that i won’t get to see you”,

your next sentence really caught me off guard.

because

because you make one of those luckiest guesses in a 23 year old’s life. 

because what you said was the real reason behind my planned travelling just to see you.

but i can’t tell you that now.

not until i see you.

not until you’re there in front of me and then i will say what i want to let you know.

.

because everything has it’s own time and reason

and i have my reasons, i’m just waiting for the right time.

and maybe

you don’t really know me as much as you did back then.

maybe this barrier we’re attempting to break is not just the physical distance between you and i.

.

this is

Published November 2, 2010 by crystalights

 

..today’s song in my head when i woke up

:

there’s people talking

they talk about me

they know my name

they think they know everything

but they don’t know

anything

about me

,

i didn’t really imagine that i would actually tell him what i was about.

in the car.

in that damn wrecked-up car.

because we supposedly have a very spartan relation (?)

idek.

so i told him that i didn’t do all those things that youngsters do because i don’t want people to find me and cling to me.

*puking sounds*

’nuff said.

.

i know i’m not really normal in all those sense of the word.

but it didn’t really bother me (?)

but because he finds it strange and because being in such hour-long journey in an oddly coloured car with him brings up such random spew of words;

i thought that i’ll jst have to say something so that he doesn’t fall asleep on the wheels.

(it’s my ass on the line anyway).

my sister’s probably gonna diss me like hell for this.

whatever.

it’s not like she can get away with it too if it was her.

(yeah, right. keep deluding yourself when everyone gets away with that scott-free).

so i told him what i was.

(trying to do. or not do, for that matter).

ugh.

it was awkward and disgusting.

.

basically, it just shows that i am a self-centred unattached bitch who doesn’t want anyone hanging around because i am too selfish to give people what they need.

.

try telling that to someone so spartan with you.

it felt soo ridiculously unreal.

.

i try to make it happen

try to make it allright

i know i make mistakes

i’m living life day to day

it’s never really easy

but it’s okay

.

maybe i can’t really make people understand

or maybe i just don’t try

.

maybe it’s weird that i wanna skip my graduation day (and its rehearsals).

to me, if i have already finished my studies,

then it means i have already finished my studies;

regardless of whether or not i show up for my convocation day,

as long as i finished, i don’t necessarily have to be there, right?

the convocation day doesn’t prove that i finished my studies.

the final exam results does.

the letter of confirmation does.

not the highly esteemed graduation day.

is that so hard to comprehend?

do we need to attend a ceremony to reinstate the state of a completion?

.

at this rate if i go it’ll probably be only because of my parents’ (coercion).

.

i don’t really get why but i’m guessing he finds my way of life (with other people) a bit off

so i say that i can’t really pitch out my trust (been there, done that, and i’m soo through with such wasteful sentiments)

because if anyone wants to pitchfork your heart to shreds it wouldn’t matter whether or not you’ve been an angel to them

so

you just do what you do best and try your best not to care

people all around you

everywhere that you go

people all around you,

they don’t really know you

.

everybody’s watching

like it’s some kind of show,

everybody’s watching

they don’t really know you now

(and forever)

.

and that’s why i hate coming out of my shell

.

a simple ball game gets awkward

because it gets to me now

when i don’t care

.

(but if i don’t care then why does it get me all awkward)

.

it’s strange

but i don’t want to change

.

for now we’ll just see

how this will turn out to be.

.

(or is it just me always having the chance to run away but suddenly denied of the very thing that i was used to?)

maybe i wished that every little goodbyes were the last ones

think about it (before your heart leaps)

Published October 27, 2010 by crystalights

 

kata-kata baik dan nasihat (?)

.

why?

.

byk je org dlm dunia ni yg penuh hemah menutur kata-kata baik dan nasihat,

why her?

.

byk je org dlm dunia ni yg mengajak pada kebaikan,

so why her?

.

why is she the one.

.

is it because of her reasons?

.

sbb simpati dier pada org lain, so dier menasihati.

hbis tu, 

klau org yg inginkan yg baik utk semua so dier menasihati,

itu tak sebaik org yg menasihati kerana simpati ke?

menginginkan hanya yg baik utk semua insan tu tak sebaik berasa simpati sesama insan ke?

whatever the reasons, the actions are the same

though

whatever the actions, the people are not the same.

.

right now i’m guessing

you could be in love with this person

not because of how she is inside

.

because

whatever good things that you see in her

we can see the same kind of good things in a lot of other people

(but they’re not her, right? they don’t make you feel like this).

i think that

if you only see her

then you’ll only see her good-ness.

.

because seriously,

i think that she is a person consistently showering people with her good side just as expected of someone who is constantly showered with the good things that life has to offer.

in other words: because you’re always dipped in all the goodness that life has to offer (to you), you shine clearly with all the goodness that found you.

it is hard to be hateful and bitter and spiteful when all you’ve ever had are good, great things at the palm of your hands.

i think that there are other good people in this world who deserved better.

i think that people who have been through immense hardships, harshness, trouble, trials, and tribulations and still choose to do good and be good are as beautiful inside as people who’s raised with the good things in life and then does good and be good.

because it takes a lot for such people to not succumb to their conditions and emotions

so they are beautiful on the inside because they are that good.

because they are nothing short of amazing

.

so what about them?

.

i know it’s easier to see the good in one person if that person is the only one that you see.

.

if it wasn’t for her perfect life and her perfect features and her perfect clichés would you have deemed her a perfectly good person?

.

would you have seen what you didn’t see?

.

(i thought so).

.

of people and dissapointments

Published October 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

aku rase sbb tu kot aku ni mcm ni.

sbb aku dah biase hadapi keadaan dimana org yg aku harapkan tak boleh aku harapkan.

last2 aku jugak yg selesaikan masalah.

mintak tolong pd org hanye memenatkan badan aku je.

.

jadi

aku rase aku memang tak boleh depend on anyone other than me.

aku nak percaye pun susah.

sbb byk masalah.

byk kesakitan.

byk keharu-biruan.

byk kegelapan.

i think in life the only constant that is omnipresent and forever present is god.

.

and with that i rest my case.

.

(yes my heart hurts. my back hurts. everything seems to hurt more when you’re pushed to your limits).

.

seolah2 dier tak kisah pun psl keselamatan (aku).

yg dier sibuk nak ambik kisah is how much money i can save and earn.

nak suruh aku go gang up with some strangers in another land who wouldn’t mind pitching together cash to save on accomodations. how NICE.

i mean, how nice is that, putting aside the possibilities of finding good, civilized people with no ulterior motives and no criminal record amongst all those whom i don’t really know.

NICE.

.

why not you just feed me to the sharks and take all my money?

.

at least then i don’t have to think about how on earth i put up with your demands.

.