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pretty little thing

Published November 21, 2011 by crystalights

i had a great time with those kids ysterday

makes me feel like children are always bearable (at some point, after you get used to them)

 

do you know that kind of feeling

when you see them get hurt and they cry

and you carry them and put their head on your shoulder

you let them cry there on your arms and they did

they followed your lead

and so you say it will stop hurting soon

and then you lay them down and put them to sleep

i saw her pretty little left cheek turn red because of that little mishap

and i felt bad that i was there when it happened but i wasn’t fast enough to stop it

 

and so she let me fix her hair

shift her pillows

and pat her as she closes her pretty little eyes

and i find myself thinking

isn’t this a great blessing from god

that this child was brought into the world

and grew into this beautiful, strong-headed young girl 

and i get to see her eyes twitch as she falls asleep

 

Subhanallah

 

it wasn’t easy when people are born into the world

anything could have happened from the moment you’re conceived to the moment you breathe

but

finally you are born

do you realize how big a gift it is to be able to see, feel and breathe like this?

and to be able to see other people see, feel, and breathe (just like you).

 

sometimes even when i breathe

i forget that i’m breathing

 

and when i’m sleeping

i might not realize that i’m not awake

 

we may not always remember the good things that we have been blessed with

 

so ysterday’s time with those children

was amazing and very heart-opening

 

alhamdulillah

for the opportunity

and this feeling

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people. things. yesterdays. and tomorrows.

Published December 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

you know,

a lot of times we women can’t always get away with wearing certain things.

certain dangerous things.

 

unless you’re barbie.

but anyway.

because i have respect for myself i would feel somewhat naked if i wear things that barely function as clothes.

we wear clothes for our good health too. to keep our temperatures right.

they’re not merely tools of fashion.

so

when you wear such dangerous things

you don’t really know if you’re well protected and secured enough from all those threats the entire universe contains.

you know, the mental, psychological, social, physical threat that comes with such garments.

as for me, when it comes to clothing and womenswear i would like to believe that it’s better to be safe than sorry.

and i also would like to believe that i, like the rest of the human population, deserve as much respect from people to not be shown parts of the human body which i do not wish to see.

they tend to attack my eyes.

.

so please.

cut down on the peek-a-boo thingamajig.

no one wants to unintentionally guess your size and all.

and no one wants to know how stretchable your outfits are.

.

anyway,

i thought it doesn’t matter where i’m going and who i’m seeing.

i am 23 years old after all.

i finished highschool a long time ago. 

i mean. we all have our moments being-stupid-with-friends and little immature occasions where things don’t go well between you and your hot-blood friends.

since i am supposedly going somewhere soon, i just thought that there are a few of my old friends i need to see, just for old times’ sake.

whatever happened in the past is in my memory but i don’t think it’s something i want to dig up and bitch about at a time like this.

at a time like this, i don’t wanna go through piece by piece and pick out the ones that i don’t like, or don’t feel good with.

i want to just see them for a bit.

at least enough for me to know that i didn’t hurt anyone and no one’s hurting me (anymore) now.

that i’m not hurt by anyone anymore.

so i don’t really understand why she’s reacting like me going to see them as something very unworthy of my time.

this is probably the only last bits of time i have left before leaving, of course i should go and see them.

of course i should spend my time on something that i have given my word to.

i agreed when one of them said that they wanted to see me.

so i should go. spend what little time i have left with them.

before i really leave for that specific period of time later on.

.

i know i’m selfish most of the time, but now i also know that i have to do everything i can while i’m still here so that there’ll be no regrets.

and if words fail me, at least my actions could show what my heart wants to say, somehow.

.

so i don’t understand why she doesn’t understand.

this isn’t a whim.

it is a need.

i needed to know that i can start with a clean slate later when i finally go where i’m supposed to be.

.

goodbye. graduation.

Published November 30, 2010 by crystalights

 

(stranded. and left with 1 car on our way home)

the thing is that

i don’t seek memories for me to keep.

i don’t really take them in for remembrance.

i just.. live.

with whatever i have.

.

but when i do keep them

they’ll be very private and dear to me.

this

is our family’s photo album.

it has most of our story,

from my mom’s youthful days

to my recent graduation.

i started it around 10 years ago, when i was 13 or so, after finding old photos of my mom and dad and our family and the places and things that we’ve been through as us.

i arranged them as chronologically precise as possible, and i tried to ensure that the important ones are there. there are even little notes and scribbles, telling stories of the events and places.

of all the things there is in this house,

this is one of those things which i would not want to share with people other than my family.

so i was surprised when it got to other people’s hands today.

i was surprised that it was brought out of my home.

it was supposed to just be kept in my sister’s room.

.

although i’m very expressive and loud at times,

i actually prefer to keep some things private.

even when i tend to speak a lot,

there are things i don’t like to share. with the whole world.

i believe in exclusive rights when it comes to these personal things.

because of the nature of such things it always gets personal.

.

people who don’t understand me probably won’t understand the workings of my family.

.

now i have to revise my add maths for a test which i can’t get away from this coming thursday.

i told  dad i don’t think i can do it.

as in : i don’t want to do it.

but he’s my dad. what do i expect?

the last time i got away with something, it ended up as an archived case (which he takes out every now and then just to remind me of how errored i was).

(maybe it’s a teacher/educator thing).

i don’t know.

i’m not sure what i’ll do but i’m gonna have to do something. soon.

.

my graduation is done.

i’m just counting the days i have left before the next chapter starts.

if my reports were received and my efforts were granted permission then i hope that things will finally be alright for me.

but it’s only with god’s grace and will.

.

and yes,

i have a few students on thursday afternoon or so.

it’ll be the first session.

don’t know how it’ll be so

fighting!

.

shopping. and people. and me.

Published November 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

these past few days made me realize that a lot of things on sale doesn’t really satisfy me.

i don’t go shopping all the time

but yesterday i was looking for the right pair of black leather heels,

and unfortunately even brand names doesn’t quite have the right kind

(that i would like).

i was trying to get that shoe-hunting mood to kick in even though i don’t really like wearing high heels

(because no matter how well-made they are they always seemed to hurt me in some way or another).

shoe shopping is always time consuming

when there’s so many that you don’t like.

at the end of it i just bought a pair that looks like something that i would probably wear if i am a 16 year old kid studying in a private school.

with some multiple colours of ankle length tights.

[i don’t understand why people don’t understand the term tights. tights generally are supposed to be from the waist to the toes. or any specified (shorter) length of your legs to the toes. if it doesn’t cover your foot and toes then it’s usually known as leggings. or unfooted tights (which may have a connecting stretch of material going underneath your foot). it’s not that hard. so i don’t understand why when i asked for ankle-length tights i get thin lycra leggings, tight pants or unfooted athletic tights].

just wiki it and you’ll (hopefully) get what i mean.

one more thing about leggings,

kalau perempuan bertudung dikatakan tak manis memakai leggings

maka tidaklah juga manis jika yg ber leggings itu perempuan yg tidak bertudung.

perempuan tetap perempuan.

leggings tetap leggings.

kalau tak manis utk seorang perempuan maka tak manis lah utk semua perempuan selagi mereka itu perempuan.

kalau rase salah dan tak suke, then jgn buat.

perlu ke tubuhkan kumpulan setiap kali ader sesuatu yg tak disukai ?

selesai ke masalah setiap kali ada sesuatu yg tak disukai, kumpulan2 anti-“something” or anti-“someone” pun muncul.

apa ertinya menjadi sebahagian dari kumpulan2 ini?

adakah dpt sampai message2 yg sepatutnya berniat murni or berunsurkan kebaikan?

ataupun kita sebenarnya meningkatkan permusuhan dan prasangka?

kalau niat kita baik kan elok kalau cara kita menyampaikan pun baik.

that is just something

that crossed my mind.

.

what i like is

rebuilding and refixing what is broken

i don’t mind spending a long time just sitting and sticking them back together

piece by piece.

(it was broken when we took it out of the box).

and now it’s an unbroken house again.

.

and i

put up with things if i feel like they’re rare

these patterns look rare to me.

sulam nyer tak berterabur

motif nyer kemas

bunga nyer berkelopak timbul

warnenye tak keras.

walaupun ader la sikit kain nyer yg tercalar

(tapi dah tinggal satu)

so i put up with it because i feel like it’s a bit rare.

.

i also don’t like things that are not very well done.

(who would like that ?)

the cream patterns look like they’re falling apart from each other. like they are un-unified.

too many gaps between each overlapping strokes.

too smudgy.

disorganized.

unharmonized.

i pay attention to details.

of all the cakes there are, of course i notice which one’s uncared for.

which one’s rushed.

which one had probably came from a pair of unsteady newbie’s hands.

so if the person is meticulous, they usually come off as very capable to me.

i like that sort of commitment coming from people.

.

hari ni ingat just nak jalan shopping brg sendiri sikit2

tapi singgah supermarket jugak beli brg2 mak nak utk esok.

we were later on at the cashier wanting to pay

and realizing that the total of those groceries (plus a few items more) was over our budget.

that was a major mood-spoiler.

.

the problem with me is that

i have this horrible temper that even i don’t like.

i kinda knew that

if i ever meet someone out there who has this exact same thing

i wouldn’t like him/her very much.

i get angry because my estimation of the groceries doesn’t match the actual cost.

i get angry because the shoe that i like that i thought was affordable was actually almost 160 bucks

and i refuse to pay 160 bucks for a pair of (un-brand-named) shoes because (even if they’re brand-named) i’m not Carrie Bradshaw (who pays like 600 bucks for her pair of “Manolo Blahnik”s) although i kinda really liked that shoe. at first sight. and i initially thought of buying it.

it’s this temper-principle-pride thing going on in me

that pisses (even) me off.

like not wanting to give something to someone who did something i don’t like and at the same time not even wanting that thing for myself

that i would rather throw it away than give it to someone who wants it just because that someone is someone i don’t like.

it’s like me being so damn difficult and harsh and bitter.

about almost everything.

.

i don’t really like that me too.

.

(and now i sound like a schizo)

.

sekarang

what i have been waiting and thinking about has finally arrived in my inbox today

and i realize that

there really isn’t anything much that i can do with it.

for now,

i don’t have the means to do what should be done.

i’m not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and a silver platter on my table.

i struggle with these things too as i grow up

in a five-siblings-with-only-one-working-parents family

.

in malaysia

you can get great food,

exceptional education, and

high quality medical services

if you have the cash.

as long as you can pay for it,

nothing should really be in the way of you getting your every wish and command.

being rich guarantees you at least that much.

for the rich (and the famous) life shouldn’t be much of a problem in this country.

.

for the rest of us “less-privileged” people,

we have to fight for a place in an institution

fight for a chance to study

fight for the use of a few facilities and utilities

fight for a chance to have someone support us and our cause

fight for an adequately paying job

and then suffer through taxes and price hikes and whatnot.

life is rough and brittle when you’re worn and penniless.

they say

“money isn’t everything”,

“money can’t buy love”,

but money speaks enough. for people.

and what does love got to do with any of it?

i guess

love can’t save people from hunger and pain,

love is never enough

never forever.

.

hell no, love can’t even save people from themselves.

.

so i don’t know what makes the world go round,

but one thing i am certain is that

it is not love.

.

“who you are is not where you’ve been”

Published November 9, 2010 by crystalights

 

i guess you really did it this time

lost yourself in your warpath

lost your balance on a tightrope

lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

.

wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?

always a bigger bed to crawl into

wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?

and everybody believed in you?

.

i wished i knew if i am at the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

.

if life is a fair trade,

in exchange to not getting what i want, what will i get in return?

in exchange of not seeing what i should, what will i see in return?

in exchange of not knowing what i must know, what will i know in return?

.

the funny thing is that i believed that i did everything right.

i did what is expected of me.

i found what i should search for.

i completed what is entrusted to me.

i acquiesced with what is forbidden to me.

and i never really looked back again.

.

but still

what’s in it for me?

what about me?

what about what i want? what i need?

.

i guess somehow i understood izzie’s twisted request from a dying man like danny.

because sometimes,

you just wouldn’t, couldn’t, bring yourself to have it any other way.

because

even if you do,

can your heart take it?

.

 

music_mix(?)

Published September 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

pesal tayang lagu hujan kat astro oasis eh. lagu tu bukan berpengajaran tentang kematian. lagu tu tentang mengenang org yg dh mati, kan?

.

ana talks about seni as the pelengkap of god’s creation (or something like that).

but i do believe there is a line between seni and such matters, i guess.

and then she sings:

esok dan lusa bukan milikku

oh tuhan

.

the words behind it is worth more than a run-through, i guess.

.

PP/S: ingatkan budak2 band tak suke budak2 hoppers. tapi tgok2 sume mcm boleh masuk je dgn ape2 jenis pun.

not that i care but years ago i heard its different.

.

tapi

music tu

top priority kiter ke

(?)

.

pretty princess

Published September 19, 2010 by crystalights

 

so today i started working on the forms (i don’t know why i did i just felt like i have to get it done and over with because i couldn’t stand looking at it on my table evrytime i leave and enter my room)

i spent hours on it (there’s the self writing part i have to put in)

sampai terlepas melodi cinta rossa.

tgok2 tinggal less than 20minutes lgi nak abis.

terkisah ku di antara cinta yang rumit.

 

she’s so pretty like a barbie princess.

and the whole glittering thing- on her eyes her hair and her dresss

even her shoes are glittering.

and now i’m convinced that her forearms are smaller than mine.

.

but that dress.. that is quite a cut.

.