..today’s song in my head when i woke up
there’s people talking
they talk about me
they know my name
they think they know everything
but they don’t know
i didn’t really imagine that i would actually tell him what i was about.
in the car.
in that damn wrecked-up car.
because we supposedly have a very spartan relation (?)
so i told him that i didn’t do all those things that youngsters do because i don’t want people to find me and cling to me.
i know i’m not really normal in all those sense of the word.
but it didn’t really bother me (?)
but because he finds it strange and because being in such hour-long journey in an oddly coloured car with him brings up such random spew of words;
i thought that i’ll jst have to say something so that he doesn’t fall asleep on the wheels.
(it’s my ass on the line anyway).
my sister’s probably gonna diss me like hell for this.
it’s not like she can get away with it too if it was her.
(yeah, right. keep deluding yourself when everyone gets away with that scott-free).
so i told him what i was.
(trying to do. or not do, for that matter).
it was awkward and disgusting.
basically, it just shows that i am a self-centred unattached bitch who doesn’t want anyone hanging around because i am too selfish to give people what they need.
try telling that to someone so spartan with you.
it felt soo ridiculously unreal.
i try to make it happen
try to make it allright
i know i make mistakes
i’m living life day to day
it’s never really easy
but it’s okay
maybe i can’t really make people understand
or maybe i just don’t try
maybe it’s weird that i wanna skip my graduation day (and its rehearsals).
to me, if i have already finished my studies,
then it means i have already finished my studies;
regardless of whether or not i show up for my convocation day,
as long as i finished, i don’t necessarily have to be there, right?
the convocation day doesn’t prove that i finished my studies.
the final exam results does.
the letter of confirmation does.
not the highly esteemed graduation day.
is that so hard to comprehend?
do we need to attend a ceremony to reinstate the state of a completion?
at this rate if i go it’ll probably be only because of my parents’ (coercion).
i don’t really get why but i’m guessing he finds my way of life (with other people) a bit off
so i say that i can’t really pitch out my trust (been there, done that, and i’m soo through with such wasteful sentiments)
because if anyone wants to pitchfork your heart to shreds it wouldn’t matter whether or not you’ve been an angel to them
you just do what you do best and try your best not to care
people all around you
everywhere that you go
people all around you,
they don’t really know you
like it’s some kind of show,
they don’t really know you now
and that’s why i hate coming out of my shell
a simple ball game gets awkward
because it gets to me now
when i don’t care
(but if i don’t care then why does it get me all awkward)
but i don’t want to change
for now we’ll just see
how this will turn out to be.
(or is it just me always having the chance to run away but suddenly denied of the very thing that i was used to?)
maybe i wished that every little goodbyes were the last ones