All posts tagged sorrow

hari-hari berlalu

Published March 29, 2011 by crystalights

pernah tak hati rase terpanggil utk buat sesuatu, tanpa rasa pasti apa sebab dan puncanya.

waktu tu aku susah hati and then bukak Quran terjumpalah sesuatu

“(yaitu) orang-orang yang beriman dan hati mereka menjadi tenteram dengan mengingat Allah. Ingatlah, hanya dengan mengingat Allah hati menjadi tenteram.”

Ayat 28, Surah Ar-Ra’d.

kdg2 kita terlupa Dia selalu ada.

tapi Dia tak pernah lupa.



Published March 26, 2011 by crystalights

senangnye people like you label me as being negative.

it’s not like you’ll ever be in my shoes but thanks anyway for the judgement.


i know that i am open to so many hurtful things

but the possibility of them happening so close together is so near

i am not calling for help at all

i’m just trying to protect myself.


even when i know there will always be people who are ready to inflict pain

i don’t know if i am ready for that kind of pain

but i am here anyway

and i’m not asking for help

i’m just struggling through it in my own way

sometimes when things get difficult my only consolation is that god is still there

and god knows more than i do what this is supposed to mean for me in the course of a lifetime.


i don’t know how to not be afraid

maybe i’m not you

maybe i’m just someone you would never want to be

but i have reasons for my every thought

my every drop of tears

and i don’t  want to let you dive in further no matter how transparent i am.

you don’t know what it’s like

you’re not your only kind in your crossing of paths

you don’t have people leaving you before they tell you to leave

you don’t have people subtly telling you how unsuitable you are to a lot of things

you weren’t even subjected to the kinds of things that i was subjected to from the very beginning


you’re not me

you don’t feel my pain

you don’t understand my heart


i just have to brace myself for whatever fate will bring to me

i hope that even when things get tough i would still have hope and no hatred towards anyone or anybody including you


i wanted to know that i can take the pain without inflicting pain to people like you.


i’m okay.

i’m just ripped along the edges. scratched on the surface.

but i’m not broken.

maybe you can’t break me because i don’t even know if i’m whole



Published February 17, 2011 by crystalights

spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there’s always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it’s hard at the end of the day

i need some distraction

beautiful release

memories seep from my veins

let me be empty

and weightless and maybe

i’ll find some peace tonight




so tired of the straight line

and everywhere you turn

there’s vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keep on building the lies

that you make up for all that you lack

it don’t make no difference

escaping one last time

it’s easier to believe

in this sweet madness

this glorious sadness

which brings me to my knees.



i thought that if my feelings show on my face

i should just turn away for it to not be seen

but even if i don’t turn away forever

you’ll never really look deeper into what you see


you’ll never be the one to lighten my heavy heart

i’m 23, going on 24 this year

and i don’t think i’ve ever known what happiness is.

just some occasional relief. sense of recovery. and a little bit of temporary calm before every approaching storm.

but happiness? no, i never really knew what that’s like.


sometimes i think you’ll always be someone i can’t escape from.


it’s not easy to be



we have to leave home today.

and i have to fly on saturday.



can’t really think.

there’s too much going on

i feel like it’s the end


i don’t wanna leave this early

i want to stay home a bit longer before leaving.

not staying in a place that i don’t like while waiting for my flight date.


even at a time like this,

i can’t have what i choose.


ader jugak terfikir

kenapa mesti pergi?

kenapa tak buat semuanya disini je?

is this what is right for me?

i’m tired

of carrying out his wishes

i want him to feel my pain

not so that he’ll get hurt, but so that he’ll stop hurting people (like me).


when he went away,

everyone here had to go along with him.

he was never really alone.

but now he’s sending me away

like this

like it doesn’t even matter what i’ll go through

as long as i do what is expected of me.


i know that it doesn’t matter what i feel

but i can’t make this feeling disappear either


what about me?

what about what i want?

what about me?

to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights


sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.


sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.


sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.


so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return


we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another


and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.


i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.


i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.


i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it


Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights


sometimes i feel sorry for karev.

all the people he’s ever loved left.

and then he’s the one left to pick up the pieces, toughen up, and just survive.

and not show hurt or pain.

just discomfort and resentment.

but no, not the pain.

the pain must not be shown to the common eye.


no wonder he’s the jerk.

well that isn’t justified by anything, but still.

try being through shit and see if you can still be an angel.


 whatever that means.


tentang ini

Published December 28, 2010 by crystalights


aku penat.



mgkin ini sisa terkumpul spnjg 6 bulan yg lepas sebelum aku pergi.

this is so dumb

aku malas nak ckp.

but this is the real world.

no one wants to hear a sob story.

so yes, not only do i have a terrible life story, i feel terrible too.


i shouldn’t even have to care.