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papaya

Published December 30, 2011 by crystalights

 

ini betik. 

dari pokok.

yang mak tanam.

 

sblm aku fly, pkok tu tk berbuah2 pn, siap ader yg ckp pkok tu pkok betik jantan = tkde harapan berbuah.

tapi2,

balik2 aku tgok buah berderet2 kt atas pokok tu.

tk sgke dpt mkn betik yg mak tanam smbil duduk2 kt ruang tamu rumah ni watching my family watch tv.

watching my little brothers eat kuetiaw with fried chicken. (yg aku awal2 dh mkn dlu).

and me eating the tiramisu cake tht my oldr sistr bought. all frm the pasar mlm. (yup, pasar mlm kt kmpung cam ni pn ader tiramisu cake).

i feel bad sbb tk blikn dier aper2, hri 2 tk smpat singgah bli bag yg aku dh plan nk bli utk dier tuh.

well.

(nsib baik ader bwk balik bnda lain yg lbih).

 

hihihihi

alhamdulillah.

 

mcm ni pun satu nikmat yg besar utk aku

after being away for so long.

 

(sbnrnye aku ader rse cam nrvous psl somethng else but. biarkn je la. aku berserah pd Dia).

insyaAllah.

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they don’t know you more than you know yourself.

Published December 2, 2011 by crystalights

it’s 2.02 a.m in the morning as i write this.

i want to sleep, but there’s a lot inside me that i think i want to spill out. somewhere.

 

when i came here last february, i came here on my own.

no one came with me.

no one.

 

i remember pushing my luggage out of the airport.

the sun was out but i feel cold.

was it the wind, or just me feeling like i left something back thousands of miles away?

i don’t exactly know.

what i know is that at that time i found no feeling of joy upon arriving in a foreign country.

i guess i was just thinking: oh. okay. so i’m here. what now?

 

and then someone came to fetch me.

invited me to their home.

told me to sleep. or rest. but. whatever.

it’s not like i can sleep easily in a foreign place. i couldn’t even sleep on the plane.

i can’t sleep like i breathe.

and at that time, i wondered if i could really breathe.

 

and then came the course consultation day.

the usual: student meets lecturer(s)/program director/academic advisor. and then talk. discuss. decide the entire flow of your course. the whole thing.

when i came, i already know what i wanted.

i didn’t want a discussion.

i came because i wanted to tell them what i want.

and so, despite some of them not being convinced that i have a clear idea of what i wanted to do just bcause it’s my first few days after arriving (i mean sriously, wht kind of reason is that?), they eventually let me have what i want.

 

but that was after quite a struggle (frm me), trying to prove my point. because my academic advisor was soo concerned about me coming frm a “technical science” background but choosing a “social science” type of specialization.

 

of course i remembered him.

i remember his name. his face. what he said.

he kept repeating his point of view about me attempting to do something i’m not familiar with, and things like the challenge(s) of academic/essay writing, and again the 70% overall grade requirement in order to graduate with a master.

(the whole thing. as if i wasn’t aware of it bfore i came into this place. and saw him).

 

he goes on and on about not being “familiar” enough (or perhaps slightly hinting about not knowing enough or being capable enough?, i’m not exactly certain), saying somethng tht sounds like i might risk the overall grade and when i argued about trying something else/new discipline other than my past “technical science” bckground, and learning (more) on academic writing, and my suggestion of trying to go with my choice to see how it’s like first, etc., he was like, telling me that if anythng goes wrong with my grades in the first smster then it would be evn more dfficult to raise my grades in the 2nd one.

 

aftr our “discussion”, i knew i wasn’t going to follow what he said.

 

so i made my choice (and along the way i still rceived email(s) frm him “advising” me about my choice.

 

the thing is that, when i listened to him, although i do not doubt his experience and carefulness in “academic advising”, i can’t help but feel that he is telling me that i cannot do it even before he knows what i can or cannot do.

 

he didn’t even know what i can or can’t do. he hasn’t even seen my work or tutored or mentored me before. that was my first few days in the uni and my first few days with him.

 

i even explained to him why i wanted to do that specialized stream. i even explained to him what i was trying to aim at.

 

i thought that it would at least make sense.

 

but i don’t know why in the end i still received such emails.

 

and then i talked to dad. about choosing a specialization. but then. that’s another story. which i don’t feel like elaborating rite now.

 

so i made up my mind. (even when i feel like the authoritarian academic world is against it).

 

and then i met my head of program.

 

she was..okay (i guess). at least she lets me stay in her stream. and lets me reject things that i don’t want to do.

 

she doesn’t want me to do subjects that i might have remotely done before (in my undergrad years).

 

fast frward to 2 smesters later, i’m now sitting here. waiting for my 2nd smster rsults. bcause i would like to know if i can qualify for december’s graduation.

 

and well.

yesterday i met him. my academic advisor.

i was actually going to the office to pick up my final assignment (the one that is worth 65% of the entire subject’s grade).

i told him i’m going back d following month.

he looks surprised that i’m fnishng my stdies.

i don’t know why i didn’t stop myself. frm reminding him of who i was and what he was concerned about when he was academically “advising” me at the beginning of my studies.

when he asked about my choice i told him i chosed the specialized stream (anyway).

he asked about the year’s studies and i told him it was okay (i was okay. with it. i guess).

he asked if i am/was happy that i chose that specialization, and so i said i’m glad that i got to learn new things.

and he smiled that same smile.

and i guess he said “i’m glad it worked out for you.”

 

so now

as i sit here wondering what my results would be (if they really are released tomorow),

i wondered,

what would it have been for me if i had listened to him and his advice?

what would it have been for me if i stayed “safe” and choose things that are “familiar” and instead of doing a major in a specialized stream i choose a non-specialized one because it’s less “risky” for my grades?

what if i had believed him instead of believing in myself (back then)?

 

he probably wouldn’t even remember me (like how he looked like he was struggling to remember if i was ever in 1 of his classes).

he looked like he didn’t even really remember what he’d said back then, until i reminded him of that period of time.

 

so, do you see what i see?

 

that sometimes in life there are people or things that can happen and make you doubt yourself and/or your choices.

 

and sometimes you might not know for sure if it’s the right choice. or if it’s entirely risk-free.

 

but to not choose it because someone is saying that you are not as capable as your choices require you to be, even when you haven’t even exerted your capabilities, and even when that person doesn’t even know you and your potential/capabilities, then that is a big risk itself.

 

because who knows, the things that you let go of today, will they come back again in the future?

 

and if they don’t, are we willing to pay for that kind of loss?

 

we just don’t know. the kind of future that we’ll be stepping into.

 

so i think,

 

don’t let people who don’t really know you, make you believe that they know you more than you know yourself.

 

 

and everything just falls into place.

Published November 19, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m in the middle of some closet clean up/tidying.

 

i realized that i might go for some classes and activities and whatnot, so i may not always have lots and lots of time left before mom and mak long comes here.

 

and yesterday mom called, her (travel) visa’s done (i think). she’s probably just happy and waiting to get out and come here for some sight-seeing or something.

 

i think, the more i think of it, the more i feel like i should have just returned after my final submissions..but since there’s the graduation to think about, plus mom wants to come and see the graduation and this place, plus i don’t think if i go back it would be easy for me to return again (even if it’s just for a graduation ceremony) considering the amount of physical and emotional disentanglement it took for me just to come and stay here, so yeah, i think (and i believe that) there’s a purpose why i’m still here (until december).

 

after i clicked the button for my final online submission of my final assignment of my final semester, everything does feel like it’s final.

 

i am leaving, insyaAllah.

 

and then i have to think about what to do next. no i have to think about what to do next before i even leave.

 

i’m not gonna be young forever.

 

not gonna live forever.

 

i tried what i felt like i could do to take care of a lot of things, but not all of them end up the way i want them to be.

because reality may not always be predictable.

and people change.

i think i, myself of all people, would know what that means.

it’s not gonna be just like a ride in the park.

you pay and you get on and then after you get off you can take another one.

 

it isn’t that simple.

 

so because i’m still here i have to try and make some good come out of it, right? i believe that there is a purpose why i’m still here.

 

i can’t get a temporary job as for now, but i’m taking some time attending things, looking for opportunities to learn some things, so i guess it’s ok.

 

i just. wanted to feel like i’m making use of what time that i have left here.

 

i think i spent the entire year thinking. no, probably my entire teenage to young adulthood up until now (still thinking, i think).

 

the days after my final assignment submission was probably spent in and out of unconscious wonder

 

how did i get through that?

 

i remember reading that assignment and thinking: oh. did i write all that?

 

a few days before my final assignment’s submission, some unhappy things happened.

so i figured i had to run away 

but at least try to finish my final assignment.

because as much as i want to allow myself more thinking and wallowing and extremely emotional release,

i can’t graduate without submitting my final assignment.

so i prayed, and pulled myself together, and left the house.

before i left tht day, i remember telling myself to never come back unless i finish all that i have to do.

(because coming back would mean allowing that upsetting reality to set in and surrendering to my emotional side)

so i left and stayed in campus

i tried to do what i could, but then night time comes and i slept under the table in the grduate lounge but woke up at around 3a.m with no one around and then changed places and slept at the table in the computer room until it was around 4 or 5a.m.

and then i went to the musolla.

afterwards after the sun came out i continued to work on my assignment but by that evening i feel so tired and sad, even when i feel like i still have to do more

so i asked my friends and they’re ok with me sleeping over

and that lead to me spending a few days cooped up at my friend’s place finishing up the assignment, using their stuff, computer, etc; i didn’t even leave their house during that period and only ate what was in their kitchen and living room.

by the time i almost finished my assignment, they ran out of bread, hzelnut choc spread, and cereals.

 

i feel so sorry for them.

 

but it was so good.

 

everything just falls into place.

 

and by the midnight before the dateline,

 

i felt like i was ready to submit the assignment.

 

i think

this is how life happens

it’s all arranged into place

by our one and only Creator

i got upset, went away and stayed overnight in campus, and because of that i  felt uncomfortable, restless and tired, and so i sought for a place to go to, and then end up in my friend’s home, who’ve finished their exams and are on temporary jobs so i could use her computer to finish my assignment there before submitting it online in that house

it all makes sense to me

that this is probably what needs to happen in order for me to reach that end goal

that in life sometimes this is how things just fall into place

how everything that is destined to happen will happen

how god has arranged everything for us in the best way even when we may not understand it

i believe that Allah knows best.

 

so while i’m here,

even when i’m yearning to go home even more now that we’re almost entering the last month of 2011,

i want to attend extra classes, meet some people and do some more readings

i want to feel like i’m doing what i could to fill my time while i wait for that flight home

and i want to be

among those who are thankful to the One who created me

Subhanallah,

Alhamdulillah.

 

aku. dlm hati ini.

Published September 10, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku bukan sempurna

tapi aku bukan pretending

 

aku bukan sengaja melebihkan rasa hati aku

aku dah pernah mncuba

 

aku tk slalu berupaya duduk di dalam lingkungan lengkungan normal

bila2 masa aku terkeluar dari garisan, bukan bermaksud aku tak berpendirian

 

susah la bila kedudukan aku dinilai dgn jauhnya aku dari garisan tu

dan susahla bila diri aku dinilai dgn satu sudut fikiran yg jugak satu bntuk pandangan “manusia”, manusia mcm aku walau tak serupa dgn aku

 

lebih susah bila pnjelasan aku dianggap sekadar habitual things driven by a stubborn need to be the rightful one

 

lama2 ada jurang

 

which probably grew with time

 

bukan aku tak berusaha, tapi dah smpai situ aku tak tahu lg nk ke mana

 

kita sama2 boleh apologize, tapi mgkin aku la yg nampak mcm bersalah

sbb tak buat benda yg boleh diterima oleh pemahaman seseorg seperti itu

 

walaupn pd hakikatnya, nilai dan timbangan setiap org tak mgkin identically sama

 

aku boleh je terima perbezaan tu, dan rsenyer aku tk pakse pn org lain utk hidup dgn cara aku

 

so kenapa aku rse mcm tak diberi that “benefit of the doubt”, eh?

 

kenapa, tak boleh ke kalau fikir: “itu PENDAPAT DIA tentang CARA HIDUP DIA yg DIA INGIN JALANI”

 

last2,

bawak haluan masing2.

 

mcm biase la aku

m’mang slalu ditinggalkn pn.

 

itulah lengkungan normal utk org mcm aku kot.

 

ntahla.

 

aku maafkan, semua.

 

aku rasa dia pn dh maafkan semua.

 

cuma aku rase aku tak pasti dari sudut pandangan itu, masalah mcm ni telah selesai atau mgkin punyai kebarangkalian utk berlaku lagi bila2 masa in the future

 

stiap kali kita bertemu sesama kita atau sesama org lain yg kita kenali

 

atau stiap kali kita breathe the same air

 

would it be a calm, normal air that is not influenced by emotional baggage?

 

i’m not so sure about that

 

aku perempuan. aku tahu tahap emosi aku dan kmungkinan tahap emosi perempuan2 lain

 

boleh ke kita bersatu hati

 

atau sekurang2nya berlapang dada di masa akan dtg?

 

aku tak pasti.

 

yg pastinya aku terkejut sbnrnye

 

bile kita say goodbye dlm tram tu as if it’s the last time

sedangkan aku hampir pasti it isn’t.

it wasn’t supposed to be the last time

but i felt that it wasn’t jst a normal parting

it was like a forever farewell

where you don’t think you’ll do anything within your power to purposely cross paths with that person you’re saying goodbye to in the near or distant future

it was like a final verdict

it was almost like a resignation.

 

throughout (and after) this ordeal

i felt almost like

something was convicted against me

and that no matter how hard i try it wouldn’t really matter to people as much if they’ve chosen what they chose before and above everything that’s said and done

 

i got hurt (again) by the people close to me

 

i can’t really be careful enough to save myself another heartache, can i?

 

the worst part is trying to not show the hurt because you don’t want to put pressure on anyone

 

because you’re an adult

 

because you’re the tough girl. the one whom people see as the hard-headed, big personality, high ego, alpha female girl.

 

the one who is really still a girl. at heart. thinking “if only people could see that.”

 

but whatever.

 

it’s not like i can fix this.

 

it’s been months.

 

look at where i am now.

 

alone in an empty house.

this is the real world.

Published August 8, 2011 by crystalights

 

in the real world, people don’t usually consider your needs.

generally speaking, they don’t wait for you to agree,

they don’t consider your understanding,

they don’t mind losing whatever little loss it means if they don’t have your commitment,

they don’t really care.

 

in the real world, people love their pride.

generally, they like knowing that they are capable of something even if it means someone else is gonna look almost incapable,

they like making clear that they know what they really know especially if they think that they are among the few who knows,

they love their pride enough to think that what they think make sense at least at one puny little point or another,

they want to think in the way that they think is substantial.

 

i think that there is nothing substantial in something that is solely what we think.

for something to be substantial, it isn’t merely one person’s spew of words with nothing else to substantiate it.

isn’t that like a revolutionized self-assurance?

 

berbalik pada asal usul,

Rasulullah pun tak berbuat sesuka pendapat sendiri.

 

seriously,

aku rase mcm stress.

sbb aku tak suka keputusan yg “instant”.

mcm mi segera.

instantly made.

instantly nice-looking (in the beginning).

pas tu, instantly soggy.

lembik. rapuh.

tak cukup substance.

 

aku tak suka benda yg hancai.

 

aku tak suka dialog2 mcm “..it’s not like they’re gonna assess us anyway..” pas tu nk sruh org tulis benda yg mcm tak make sense because “..it’s not like they’re gonna check/give marks or anything..”

 

aku tak suka bila org mcm tak really show interest of listening to what i’m talking about in a group discussion because you’re too preoccupied with talking about whatever and then when you’re not too busy talking you still don’t really listen. is it because you’re too fly for my point of views? but you listen to someone else’ point of view or ask them the same thing that i asked you. is it because you wanna know what that someone thinks? is it because you don’t think of me the same way as you think of that person?

 

aku tak suka “..let’s discuss by email..” (padahal dh discuss mase meeting), pas tu nk pakai email utk change the decision and cerita 1 session of presentation based on 3 different readings; wei, baik tulis essay je wei

 

bile kene work based on different readings, aku bukan harap nak discuss readings tu dlm email pun. readings tu masing2 pndai2 sndiri la. yg aku nak is what we want to come up with based on the readings. bukannyer readings tu cerita psl aper.

yg tak best nyer aku pun ulas la jgk skit, ye la tk nak la ada assumption as if aku tak baca readings tu pulak.

 

aku stress sebab aku rase mcm aku sorang je stress dlm kelas2 ni sume.

kenape aku tak bleh chill je.

oh right. i have like an entire world to think about other than myself. can i ever afford to just chill and relax je? isn’t that a luxury? i didn’t come here for free.

sometimes happiness is expensive.

so you just live with whatever cheapness you can afford.

 

aku just risau dgn keadaan diri aku yg sibuk dgn hal2 mcm ni

 

masa aku utk ramadhan pun mcm terjejas.

 

aku tak nak la complain, tapi kdg2 rase cam bengang pulak sbb tak bleh nak control what i feel.

 

mcm tadi.

in full bloom

Published February 14, 2011 by crystalights

my mother’s roses

she’s been talking about them blooming since last week.

well maybe she’s just happy to see what she planted finally blooming.

.

but blooming roses don’t last that long

i hope my mum will have other blooming flowers too

so that she’ll have something to be excited about soon.

.

yeah.

i hope her orchids will bloom soon,

and this time for the whole year that i’m gone

.

the last party.

Published February 1, 2011 by crystalights

it’s our last celebration together before everything ends

so for me, it has to be perfect.

i wanted invitation cards

and party favours

and a lot of colourful party acessories

(i would have loved the balloons and tinsels and crepe papers and confetti, but apparently that’s not gonna happen, for now).

my little sister kinda thinks i’m crazy for wanting such full-blown party things

but

i don’t know why, i want this one to be different.

i wanted the satisfaction of doing it right

because i’m scared

that when the party’s over and the magic wears off i’d probably be stuck with reality without a memorable happy moment

for once i wanted to feel rightfully happy.

.

so, okay. we’re not having balloons and glitters

but we could try and have evrything else done right.

so i spent the day cleaning and tidying up

and yesterday we worked on the invitation

 (after some discussions with my little sister) i came up with something that looks like this, but my design was lighter without the black background.

it is actually a Birthday and Farewell Party.

(my little sister’s birthday is coming soon and my leaving is happening soon too).

we figured it’d be okay to do it in one shot.

we were preparing the party favours (i specifically told my little sister how i wanted it to be, and for who).

and finally the goody bags are done. (if you look closely, you can see the pink panther stickers i put on the wrappers).

i liked doing these things.

it makes me feel like: there is a purpose, and i’m fulfilling it.

i want people to come, eat, and then bring back something thinking: that was nice.

.

we just have to cook, and get the cake tomorrow.

and then i think everything’s done.

.

and yes

yes

i’m scared.

as the days draw closer i’m getting more and more terrified

.

i have around 19 days left before the end begins

.

i don’t like flying

i take time to get accustomed to new surroundings

and i’m not really emotionally stable when i’m on my own.

.

so this is more of an early birthday party for my little sister than a farewell party for me

because i’m not exactly celebrating a farewell

i’m just letting people be informed of my departure, that’s all.

.

EDIT:

here comes the cake

happy birthday & farewell