time

All posts tagged time

between people.

Published December 29, 2011 by crystalights

 

nostalgia (?)

 

what do you call this feeling?

bile tibe2 kiter kembali ke mana kiter pnah tinggalkn stlh skian lama berkelana.

 

after all that time suddenly

i find myself on my bed in our shared bedroom

texting my friends and rplying mssages

 

as if i’ve always been here and the past few months (up to a year) nver really happened (before).

 

i don’t intend to erase anything

before and after, are both parts of my life now.

but i didn’t think that i would still have

some of the things that i left behind.

 

the room bsically still looks the same

 

and although earlier tday i think i didn’t know where mom put some of her pots n pans,

and her asam jawa (in the kitchen),

 

finally when i start doing and thinking (abt) things in this home

 

i feel like: hey,

at least i get to be here now.

 

the days before i left were probably the loneliest,

i guess it’s the kind of feeling when you’re surrounded but alone.

 

reflecting on the last few views of the city,

how bittersweet.

 

i don’t know where life would take me sooner or later,

 

amidst the job-hunting, and license arranging,

and accounts setting,

 

at least

i’m here now.

 

alhamdulillah.

 

it is a blessing that all is not completely lost.

 

my past and my future,

is all up to god’s mercy and will,

masyaAllah.

 

i thought it’s normal for people to leave

but

since some of them stayed aftr all

i guess i have to know

that this has got to be worth something

 

life will pass us by

no soul can stop time

 

seasons replace one another

that’s what they do,

they don’t stay.

 

but i guess when they leave, they do come back.

that is if you’re still there to see it.

 

as for me,

i want to embrace. time.

 

i want to be thankful.

 

i want to be at peace with time.

 

i don’t want to (part 2).

Published November 24, 2011 by crystalights

i don’t want you to do things FOR ME because i don’t want you to THINK or FEEL like i depend on you FOR ANYTHING.

i don’t want you to THINK that i NEED you FOR ANYTHING.

dua bnda ni, paling2 aku tak berkenan.

i don’t really like people THINKING that i NEED or DEPEND on them. for ANY/WHATEVER thing or reason.

even when i sometimes do (to some extent, to some people) have things that i want, i really don’t think i want to. with you.

when people think that i NEED them or DEPEND on them, i feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

this dependency and need is not something that i am happy with.

i like feeling like i am doing what i have to do and what i can do for my own self and for the people around me and that i don’t have to hope for anyone to do it for me because i can. do it.

if i want something, i’ll figure out something, insyaAllah.

not NEEDING people like you to “help” me.

it’s in the way that i was brought up.

it’s like my way of living.

and i don’t really like anyone doing anything to change that.

 

because i don’t know what i would have to sacrifice in return if i was “helped” by some people.

bukan nk berprasangka, hanya aku nk berhati2. sbb aku dh pnah face this kind of thing a few times and it’s not very pleasant. it’s hurtful.

bcause bukan sume manusia boleh give willingly hanya kerana Allah.

aku faham. i’m not saying it’s okay, i’m jst saying i undrstand.

aku tak menyalahkan,

aku cume harap tuhan pun maafkan aku bile usaha dan perlakuan aku tak smpurna

bila rungutan hati aku mencemari amalanku

bila keikhlasan itu dtg dgn sgt lambat dan perlahan, atau kdgkala lgsung tk ada.

aku tk nk letak ape2 excuse pn for my bhaviour.

 

i just hope that i can at least try to be better.

 

insyaAllah, tmrow ader some sisters’ gathering (final, bfore BFG).

BFG is: “back for good”, bukan “big final goodbye”, bukan jgk “big friendly giant” mcm dlm cerite Roald Dahl tuh.

and speaking of Roald Dahl, i found some Wonka candies ysterday (as in Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

sape2 yg bace blog ni (yg aku knal la), nak tak Wonka candies tu? name dier Gobstoppers (klau tak silap. like in that book). klau nak, maybe aku bleh la belikan & bwk balik msia.

(ha cpt, time ni la sesuai mngaku if you read my blog, fr those candies).

 

anyway,

aku ade kje lg ni.

my friend need smthng done by mnday,

pas tu bku2 ngn nota tk hbis kmas lg,

pas tu ader some thng(s) nk buat b4 sis gath tmrow

pas tu nxt week nk arrnge bdah buku ber-duo, mayb dua kali sminggu, so blom prepare pn lg

pas tu aku blom figure out lg camane nk ulang alik airport semurah mgkin

pas tu maybe aku mcm nk pergi intrview UMK lbih kurng 2 and a hlf weeks lg yg aku blom prepare jgk.

so yes.

everyday aku ader bnda nk dbuat,

jst bcause aku dh hbis uni tasks doesn’t mean i have nothing to do

(so aku cm tk bkenan whn pple who don’t know what to do with their plenty of time is seeking my attention/energy/commitment to “fill their time” for them).

sorry, but: lu pikir la sendiri.

 

 

what happened was

Published August 15, 2011 by crystalights

1. it’s winter.

a season of heaters.

and then the electric bill kinda went ballistic. it’s $951.29 for july. we had to split it to 5 and pay. and i feel like it’s my fault because bfore i came, the house bill was never like this. the monthly payment was supposed to include the bills but now that this bill went up that high, we had to pay the bill on top of the current monthly payment. i feel like it’s my fault because i can’t really handle the cold.

2. so now i have to figure out how to cut back on the heater and endure it.

3. i’m on my own now.

in this empty house.

my (ex) housemate moved out this morning. the rest haven’t returned from their homeland yet (probably until aftr mid september), and another one of my (ex) housemate has finished her studies, graduated last saturday, and returned home early this week. i think i’m really on my own now.

4. i figured that one way to get things off my mind is to make myself busy with whatever i can get my head on. at least it’s probably better to be too busy to realize that you’re on your own.

6. i hurt my back while baking in the kitchen. and as usual i’m  not sure if it’s okay to use my OSHC insurance because of my current status.

7. i don’t really know how to really go through this semester without breaking (apart).

goodnight.

mirror mirror on the wall

Published March 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

i didn’t know earlier that i would be sleeping alone in this empty house yesterday night with all the lights on.

oh

silly me

and then morning came and i don’t know why evryone seems to be awake so darn early on a sunday morning like this.

the phone was buzzing and my sleep was chopped into bits AGAIN

so i got up and CLEANED MY ROOM (wow!) with the exception of the wardrobe, and i’m going to go get ready in about an hour’s time.

actually, i always need about an hour and a half to get ready. even if it’s just for work. or class. or whatever.

and that is strange because i don’t even really wear make up.

but i always take that long. (even when i usually have my outfits ironed out the night before).

maybe it’s the 25 minutes in the bathroom+toilet.

and the 10 minutes dressing up

and the 5 minutes packing up

and the lots and lots of minutes in front of the mirror.

View Image

i’ve always wanted one of these (!)

but the one that i spend lots and lots of time with are just the ones on the wall

*sigh*

i wanna watch george clooney’s “up in the air”.

i wonder if it’s really good (like what some people say).

because george is always playing one of those big-shot characters like a doctor, or a business-ish man, or a professional million-dolar swindler/stealer/robber, or a high-ranking military personnel and ALL THAT JAZZ.

i wanna see mushy george in denial over a possible mushy relationship (yummy!)

hopefully there’re tickets for that today *is hoping*

^_~

photo creds to naquiba