to be done

All posts tagged to be done

this is believable, right?

Published October 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i was. surprised.

(and thankful)

alhamdulillah.

.

feelings:

just a tiny bit happy, a lot confused, puzzled, alarmed, nervous, melancholic.

.

thoughts:

very worried if i lost my chances of knowing more about what i needed to know because i thought that everything should already be stated in the details, right? (MUST MUST MUST ASK LATER!)

.

personal thoughts:

i don’t know if i can do this. but i know that i can’t just not do this. there is a difference between doing what you want and doing what you have to do [quote: kim key!]. so yes i think i understand what he means when he said that.

.

flash backs:

that phonecall during my final year industrial attachment presentation day to my dad when i first really, completely told him of what i wanted to do. it was probably one of those emotionally driven decisions of my life.

i was standing in the laboratory building by the staircase looking out the balcony with a phone up my ear for about an hour. he was just bugging me to finish what i was doing first and only then can i really search for the what and where of my plans. i was probably just being emotionally insecure (or plain stupid) at that time to come up with something like this (i don’t quite know). heck, i don’t even know if i would make the same decision if i could turn back the hands of time. but for now i can’t say that i regret this (because then i’ll have to be real stupid).

.

several things in mind:

  1. help my mum with what she wants to do.
  2. travelling with my lil sister.
  3. perfecting the condition of our home.
  4. cry.

.

i guess i am no longer full of words.

so there

(is this closure. yet?)

.

Advertisements

of roles and duties. and life and living.

Published September 21, 2010 by crystalights

 

my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.

most of the time, i just go along with it.

but sometimes,

some very rare times,

i can’t.

.

sometimes

i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.

.

he believes in back up plans

in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)

he likes more than one option

more than one solution

more than just average grades

more than just a couple of distinctions

.

perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.

.

if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point

then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it

there is no long-term escape

just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks

.

sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me

even when it makes me look or feel crazy

as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible

i just do it.

i just live with it.

.

but sometimes i believe in different things

like losing money but gaining time.

if i get time. then why does money matter?

if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?

.

like what happened today.

i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.

it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).

but he wants to take the time to print it at home,

choose the right settings, the right size,

cutting it down in his own manner

and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on

and his own method of ensuring its quality.

everything is his own

perfection right down to the details.

.

(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).

.

well

imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.

.

i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,

and some of the schools are not even a district apart.

just because he thinks one is better than the other

(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).

i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.

.

i was in highschool back then

when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).

and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week

and my add maths classes

and physics classes.

they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.

.

hand picked.

self-chosen.

personalized.

.

so this is how i live.

it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.

.

it wasn’t that wonderful for me.

but somehow he works things out.

.

and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man

who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.

afterall.

i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.

someone who wasn’t easily defeated.

.

we don’t necessarily have to like each other

but we have to live our roles

and fulfill our responsibilities

to live for the purpose of which we are created

to be what we must be

what we should be.

.

sometimes you can’t have everything

there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained

but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?

i guess i believe in that too much.

.

i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place

because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.

.

not that i can be bothered of. not that i care.

Published August 25, 2010 by crystalights

 

that is why i DON’T wanna call

.

because EVERY SINGLE time is the WRONG time

even until now i don’t know HOW the hell

to get the timing RIGHT ENOUGH for you

.

if there is another time in whichever year which i can push this to

of course i would

but because everything has to be ready by tomorrow before he leaves i can’t wait any longer

next week when i leave i don’t wanna carry the whole world with me

so yes of course i don’t have any other time to bother you

this is the only time

.

next week would be too late

i hate doing favours at the very last minute

i especially hate to be the one helping people who doesn’t even know how to help themselves

it’s not even my job to make sure that you have everything so please

you don’t have to put it like that

.

it’s allright

i get it

it’s your own little world after all

.

save it

Published July 7, 2010 by crystalights

 

first you made me believe that you’re a friend.

then you take yourself off as my friend.

then you take away my friends.

then you take my friend away from her best friend.

and somehow after all that mess, everyone’s your friend.

and then you have the gall to come back and apologize for being so good and nice to your so-called friends?

.

don’t you get it?

you’ve taken so much from so many people

and you’re just sorry that i don’t buy your tales anymore

you’re just sorry that the only inevitable flaw that there is right there is the fact that i don’t give a damn anymore

you and i are a long lost history and a mistake i don’t want to remember.

.

you owe me too much for me to just let it pass

back then it was easier for you because you weren’t the one who was very young and insecure

you weren’t the one who was struggling to stand and drying up the tears

this isn’t revenge

this is

life

in its raw manifestations

.

i don’t care about what used to be there

there is nothing for me to look back to

.

we are not friends -in its truest meaning or form.

so save it. 

i don’t need this shit

and you don’t have to pretend

.

missing piece

Published July 6, 2010 by crystalights

 

»«

»«

i haven’t done this for so long i can hardly remember how it feels

.

i think i might have this condition

of not wanting to unpack upon arrival and not wanting to pack before departure

i leave a lot – sometimes unintentionally, sometimes deliberately-

but always, always for a reason i feel reason enough

always because there’s something that made me feel the need to leave

.

i can stay with people long enough to know if it’s worth staying

.

just like how much skating hurts my feet

i got myself in the rink anyway because there’re people whom i feel worth skating for

even when i can barely skate

and everytime i fall, i fall hard.

.

the truth is that it’s not that i leave people behind

it’s just that there’s always something there in such a way that i can’t bring myself to stay

something always goes wrong

and there isn’t any other way other than that way out

it’s not just for me it’s for everyone in there as well

.

because sometimes it’s not about you

it’s about people other than you getting hurt

and you don’t wanna keep hurting them

.

but it is normal for people to not understand

and i’m not really the kind who’d come up with an explanation either

so i just let it all pass by

.

i haven’t skated in years

and now i no longer have a reason to skate anymore

no “first time jitters”

no “thrilling excitement”

no “skating people”

no “skating reason”

nothing.

i’m not good at it and it’s not something that i really like in the first place

and then people come and they leave and it’s all back to square one

and we’re just fine.

this is just fine.

just how it should be

this is why i don’t feel so much about not staying. with people. or anybody else for that matter.

because doesn’t it all amount to nothing in the end?

we meet only to cross paths and touch the surface

and then we go back to where we’re supposed to be.

.

i’m not sad

i’m content.

i’ve understood.

.

i skated because there’re people there who wants to do so with me

and now that the skating days are over

i won’t be in the rink for a very long time

.

i go to school because it is what is expected of me

i don’t know if i like it, or if i did a great job at it

but i did it because i have to

.

this is life

you don’t always get to do what you want

.

at 22 years 11 months and 3 weeks

i am still looking for something

which i am not exactly sure of

.

something’s missing

i feel it even more now than before

.

and i know that no one else can figure that out for me

.

i’ve been feeling this way for as long as i can remember

ever since i was a little girl

and now that i’m at this point in my life i feel it even more

that there’s something that isn’t there that’s supposed to be there

.

so yes

i do run away sometimes

i try to keep running along with time

because i can feel it slipping away from my grasp

i’m selfishly uninvolved with the other aspects of life

because i’m unfulfilled

i’m hollow

i’m trying to fix myself first

i can’t promise to be a part of anything else for now

.

 

brown sugar cookies and a heart on my sleeve

Published June 18, 2010 by crystalights

.

a few things were happening

all at the same time

and some went out of hand

so i wasn’t feeling quite right

.

so i tried working in the kitchen again

.

today i made my first batch of cookies

.

.

.

.

.

(my lil’ brother ate them with some tea-dipping)

.

.

.

so there’s my first sugar cookies.

.

you know

sometimes i wished that it’s enough for me to just

listen without speaking

be here without breaking

understand without showing

but to feel enough to keep staying

.

i wished i was enough

apparently it’s not enough to just be.

you still have to do something

to make something out of things

so that people feel like they’re in

inside your life somewhere

.

my cookies aren’t perfect

but i made them with my own hands

my own version of the usual cookie recipe

my own personal touch

.

they’re not perfect

but they’re my own

.

why can’t they be enough?

why can’t i be enough?

.

why

do i have to lay out my heart on the table

to prove that i actually feel

.

GTFO

Published May 28, 2010 by crystalights

 

dahla aku dah ader planning sendiri.

pas tu terpakse adjust to accomodate to your needs

pas tu kau satu benda kecik pun tak boleh nak buat.

dahla aku yg kene make sure kau sampai at the right place at the right time

dah la aku terpakse ketepikan urusan aku sendiri semate-mate sbb nak dahulukan perancangan kau

dahla aku tak keje mcm kau

kau tak boleh nak berfikir ke?

kau betul2 menyusahkan aku

dan aku rase tak berbaloi satu sen pun aku nak buat sume ni demi kau

aku tak nak la wei

aku tak paham nape hidup kau yg dah sedia senang ni pun boleh jadi penyebab nak menyusahkan hidup aku yg masih merangkak ni

aku nak buat keje pun tergendala

klau tak aku dh pergi dah this week

kau pun bukannye tahu atau peduli

kau cume fikir kau je yg nak go somewhere, take a few days off work, jalan2 makan angin

kau ingat ni holiday ke?

if i don’t get to do what i want what makes you think that i’ll give you what you want?

.

get the fuck out

.

aku buat sume ni pun sbb dier.

sbb aku tak suke bagi org harapan pas tu tak jadi (macam kau)

.