my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.
most of the time, i just go along with it.
some very rare times,
i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.
he believes in back up plans
in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)
he likes more than one option
more than one solution
more than just average grades
more than just a couple of distinctions
perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.
if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point
then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it
there is no long-term escape
just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks
sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me
even when it makes me look or feel crazy
as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible
i just do it.
i just live with it.
but sometimes i believe in different things
like losing money but gaining time.
if i get time. then why does money matter?
if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?
like what happened today.
i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.
it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).
but he wants to take the time to print it at home,
choose the right settings, the right size,
cutting it down in his own manner
and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on
and his own method of ensuring its quality.
everything is his own
perfection right down to the details.
(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).
imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.
i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,
and some of the schools are not even a district apart.
just because he thinks one is better than the other
(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).
i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.
i was in highschool back then
when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).
and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week
and my add maths classes
and physics classes.
they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.
so this is how i live.
it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.
it wasn’t that wonderful for me.
but somehow he works things out.
and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man
who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.
i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.
someone who wasn’t easily defeated.
we don’t necessarily have to like each other
but we have to live our roles
and fulfill our responsibilities
to live for the purpose of which we are created
to be what we must be
what we should be.
sometimes you can’t have everything
there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained
but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?
i guess i believe in that too much.
i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place
because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.
i spent the entire morning in the kitchen with mum.
we had to cook for my dad’s office staffs (because someone submitted a 24hr resignation notice).
why couldn’t they just order frm somewhere?
we’re not a restaurant or catering company.
what more the phonecall only came this morning, and we had to prepare the food by mid-day.
i hate it when my dad does that- he just expects my mom to deliver.
i hate it when the husband just expects the wife to do everything they ask for
and then what?
a husband should know that the wife does what she does for him because of what’s in her heart, not because it is what she is obligated to do.
a wife’s obligation is towards her husband, not her husband’s workplace or her husband’s friends.
if however, the wife does something for those purposes, then the husband should be EXTREMELY grateful and thankful.
because that is not her duty, that is her good deed.
but of course
my mum does all that willingly-
(maybe one day i’ll understand why).
i believe that i can fix my own problems.
that’s why i don’t wanna talk about it.
more people + too much going on = i can’t think.
i just need time.
stop putting words into my head
i’ll find my own way.
i know i always sound so ungrateful when i’m grateful that you’re away
but i don’t need the extra pressure
it’s plain torture
you don’t need to say a word
i’ll figure it out on my own
there is always more than 1 meaning to 1 word.
the trick is always finding the right one to use.
if it is: “46 people like this (song)”,
then shouldn’t it be: “46 orang suka (lagu) ini”?
why is it: “46 orang seperti ini”?
there is even a thumbs-up sign at the side, which means “like” as in “love/fond of/fancy”.
that is why
i don’t understand why
why the little things in simple forms of language that people can already understand is translated again into another language but with very little understanding?
although it is a language that some people are comfortable with throughout their lives it does not mean that everything has to be turned into that one language.
if you can already understand it in english then why would you want to read it in bahasa malaysia?
if i can read Adibah Amin’s “Di-ruang Mu aku di sini” in bahasa malaysia then why would i want to read “Exile” in english?
it’s the same thing.
the same book.
“Exile” is the english version of “Di-ruang Mu aku di sini”.
If I could I would have read “The Alchemist” in its original language (spanish), but i don’t know spanish so i couldn’t.
i can only read and understand the english version of the book.
the point is that whatever original language it is in as long as you can read and understand it then why not try and read it and truly appreciate it in its original form?
simple things like “log in” and “log out” is it necessary for it to be converted to your language version of “daftar masuk” and “daftar keluar”?
if people only use the language that they’re comfortable in all the time then when will we ever learn?
kalau kita hanye gunekan bahase yg kita rase selesa setiap mase sampai bile baru kita blajar?
why not let yourself become accustomed to a different language through simple applications like logging in to your favourite website, or checking your e-mails, or listen to foreign music once in a while.
the least you can do is try.
start with something small.
no one is too old to learn.
i believe it’s the attitude, not just the results.
walau apa pun, bukan ke berusaha itu lebih baik dari tak mencuba langsung?
i feel like throwing up. again.
i thought i just needed to eat something.
that i could just cook something to eat and it’ll be okay.
but eating made it feel worse.
everything’s not up to taste.
i feel sick.
i think he’s angry that i actually let that job go.
i don’t regret it. well. except for that one time when i thought about how good it would be when one day someone asks of my job and i’m working there.
but as i thought about it, even that felt odd and unbelievably wrong – to work in a place for the sole purpose of looking good even when your heart is in constant worry about the implication of your decisions.
i don’t want to work and feel guilty.
he thinks that permanent jobs can be easy to quit too, but of course he doesn’t know that. he never quits. he doesn’t know what it’s like.
it’s too messy.
in a perfect world, everything he says would come true with ease. without flaw.
but this isn’t a perfect world.
and i don’t want to lie.
i don’t want to put other people’s time and effort on the line.
i don’t care if it means i have to work two jobs to come up with the same or more pay than the one that i let go of.
as long as my heart’s in it, then isn’t that worth all the hours?
he doesn’t understand what i’m seeing.
it’s not always money and status all the time.
money money money
if it’s so damn valuable to you, then why not you go ahead and go money hunting yourself?
put in your extra time and work for that money that you want so much.
don’t push it on me.
i have my own things. my own dreams.
my own goals and plans.
i haven’t done this for so long i can hardly remember how it feels
i think i might have this condition
of not wanting to unpack upon arrival and not wanting to pack before departure
i leave a lot – sometimes unintentionally, sometimes deliberately-
but always, always for a reason i feel reason enough
always because there’s something that made me feel the need to leave
i can stay with people long enough to know if it’s worth staying
just like how much skating hurts my feet
i got myself in the rink anyway because there’re people whom i feel worth skating for
even when i can barely skate
and everytime i fall, i fall hard.
the truth is that it’s not that i leave people behind
it’s just that there’s always something there in such a way that i can’t bring myself to stay
something always goes wrong
and there isn’t any other way other than that way out
it’s not just for me it’s for everyone in there as well
because sometimes it’s not about you
it’s about people other than you getting hurt
and you don’t wanna keep hurting them
but it is normal for people to not understand
and i’m not really the kind who’d come up with an explanation either
so i just let it all pass by
i haven’t skated in years
and now i no longer have a reason to skate anymore
no “first time jitters”
no “thrilling excitement”
no “skating people”
no “skating reason”
i’m not good at it and it’s not something that i really like in the first place
and then people come and they leave and it’s all back to square one
and we’re just fine.
this is just fine.
just how it should be
this is why i don’t feel so much about not staying. with people. or anybody else for that matter.
because doesn’t it all amount to nothing in the end?
we meet only to cross paths and touch the surface
and then we go back to where we’re supposed to be.
i’m not sad
i skated because there’re people there who wants to do so with me
and now that the skating days are over
i won’t be in the rink for a very long time
i go to school because it is what is expected of me
i don’t know if i like it, or if i did a great job at it
but i did it because i have to
this is life
you don’t always get to do what you want
at 22 years 11 months and 3 weeks
i am still looking for something
which i am not exactly sure of
i feel it even more now than before
and i know that no one else can figure that out for me
i’ve been feeling this way for as long as i can remember
ever since i was a little girl
and now that i’m at this point in my life i feel it even more
that there’s something that isn’t there that’s supposed to be there
i do run away sometimes
i try to keep running along with time
because i can feel it slipping away from my grasp
i’m selfishly uninvolved with the other aspects of life
because i’m unfulfilled
i’m trying to fix myself first
i can’t promise to be a part of anything else for now