to where i want to be

All posts tagged to where i want to be

between people.

Published December 29, 2011 by crystalights

 

nostalgia (?)

 

what do you call this feeling?

bile tibe2 kiter kembali ke mana kiter pnah tinggalkn stlh skian lama berkelana.

 

after all that time suddenly

i find myself on my bed in our shared bedroom

texting my friends and rplying mssages

 

as if i’ve always been here and the past few months (up to a year) nver really happened (before).

 

i don’t intend to erase anything

before and after, are both parts of my life now.

but i didn’t think that i would still have

some of the things that i left behind.

 

the room bsically still looks the same

 

and although earlier tday i think i didn’t know where mom put some of her pots n pans,

and her asam jawa (in the kitchen),

 

finally when i start doing and thinking (abt) things in this home

 

i feel like: hey,

at least i get to be here now.

 

the days before i left were probably the loneliest,

i guess it’s the kind of feeling when you’re surrounded but alone.

 

reflecting on the last few views of the city,

how bittersweet.

 

i don’t know where life would take me sooner or later,

 

amidst the job-hunting, and license arranging,

and accounts setting,

 

at least

i’m here now.

 

alhamdulillah.

 

it is a blessing that all is not completely lost.

 

my past and my future,

is all up to god’s mercy and will,

masyaAllah.

 

i thought it’s normal for people to leave

but

since some of them stayed aftr all

i guess i have to know

that this has got to be worth something

 

life will pass us by

no soul can stop time

 

seasons replace one another

that’s what they do,

they don’t stay.

 

but i guess when they leave, they do come back.

that is if you’re still there to see it.

 

as for me,

i want to embrace. time.

 

i want to be thankful.

 

i want to be at peace with time.

 

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and everything just falls into place.

Published November 19, 2011 by crystalights

 

i’m in the middle of some closet clean up/tidying.

 

i realized that i might go for some classes and activities and whatnot, so i may not always have lots and lots of time left before mom and mak long comes here.

 

and yesterday mom called, her (travel) visa’s done (i think). she’s probably just happy and waiting to get out and come here for some sight-seeing or something.

 

i think, the more i think of it, the more i feel like i should have just returned after my final submissions..but since there’s the graduation to think about, plus mom wants to come and see the graduation and this place, plus i don’t think if i go back it would be easy for me to return again (even if it’s just for a graduation ceremony) considering the amount of physical and emotional disentanglement it took for me just to come and stay here, so yeah, i think (and i believe that) there’s a purpose why i’m still here (until december).

 

after i clicked the button for my final online submission of my final assignment of my final semester, everything does feel like it’s final.

 

i am leaving, insyaAllah.

 

and then i have to think about what to do next. no i have to think about what to do next before i even leave.

 

i’m not gonna be young forever.

 

not gonna live forever.

 

i tried what i felt like i could do to take care of a lot of things, but not all of them end up the way i want them to be.

because reality may not always be predictable.

and people change.

i think i, myself of all people, would know what that means.

it’s not gonna be just like a ride in the park.

you pay and you get on and then after you get off you can take another one.

 

it isn’t that simple.

 

so because i’m still here i have to try and make some good come out of it, right? i believe that there is a purpose why i’m still here.

 

i can’t get a temporary job as for now, but i’m taking some time attending things, looking for opportunities to learn some things, so i guess it’s ok.

 

i just. wanted to feel like i’m making use of what time that i have left here.

 

i think i spent the entire year thinking. no, probably my entire teenage to young adulthood up until now (still thinking, i think).

 

the days after my final assignment submission was probably spent in and out of unconscious wonder

 

how did i get through that?

 

i remember reading that assignment and thinking: oh. did i write all that?

 

a few days before my final assignment’s submission, some unhappy things happened.

so i figured i had to run away 

but at least try to finish my final assignment.

because as much as i want to allow myself more thinking and wallowing and extremely emotional release,

i can’t graduate without submitting my final assignment.

so i prayed, and pulled myself together, and left the house.

before i left tht day, i remember telling myself to never come back unless i finish all that i have to do.

(because coming back would mean allowing that upsetting reality to set in and surrendering to my emotional side)

so i left and stayed in campus

i tried to do what i could, but then night time comes and i slept under the table in the grduate lounge but woke up at around 3a.m with no one around and then changed places and slept at the table in the computer room until it was around 4 or 5a.m.

and then i went to the musolla.

afterwards after the sun came out i continued to work on my assignment but by that evening i feel so tired and sad, even when i feel like i still have to do more

so i asked my friends and they’re ok with me sleeping over

and that lead to me spending a few days cooped up at my friend’s place finishing up the assignment, using their stuff, computer, etc; i didn’t even leave their house during that period and only ate what was in their kitchen and living room.

by the time i almost finished my assignment, they ran out of bread, hzelnut choc spread, and cereals.

 

i feel so sorry for them.

 

but it was so good.

 

everything just falls into place.

 

and by the midnight before the dateline,

 

i felt like i was ready to submit the assignment.

 

i think

this is how life happens

it’s all arranged into place

by our one and only Creator

i got upset, went away and stayed overnight in campus, and because of that i  felt uncomfortable, restless and tired, and so i sought for a place to go to, and then end up in my friend’s home, who’ve finished their exams and are on temporary jobs so i could use her computer to finish my assignment there before submitting it online in that house

it all makes sense to me

that this is probably what needs to happen in order for me to reach that end goal

that in life sometimes this is how things just fall into place

how everything that is destined to happen will happen

how god has arranged everything for us in the best way even when we may not understand it

i believe that Allah knows best.

 

so while i’m here,

even when i’m yearning to go home even more now that we’re almost entering the last month of 2011,

i want to attend extra classes, meet some people and do some more readings

i want to feel like i’m doing what i could to fill my time while i wait for that flight home

and i want to be

among those who are thankful to the One who created me

Subhanallah,

Alhamdulillah.

 

don’t say it.

Published August 5, 2010 by crystalights

 

today wasn’t very smooth.

a lot of miscalculation, mishaps and miscommunication along the way

i’m very dissapointed with my agent.

.

baru balik dari interview

sitting in the car

on my way back from a very long day

and suddenly i was told to not take the job (?)

because of the pay.

because it’s not profitable enough.

not high enough.

not good enough.

.

i don’t know what to say

don’t know what to think

didn’t really have the energy to argue this one out

.

i’m tired of this

.

why is it that everytime i managed to dig up some sort of rare fighting spirit to just step out and do my own things, the whole universe seems to somehow be against it.

i thought paulo coelho said it’s the other way round. but i don’t know.

maybe i don’t want it enough.

or maybe, just wanting it is not enough.

maybe this is why sometimes i find myself too deep in isolation. because if there isn’t too many people then there won’t be many interferences.

.

maybe it’s just that i need people to talk as much as i need them to shut up – it goes both ways.

sometimes these days i kind of expect myself to be a little insane

i wondered if i am really that far from going crazy

.

sometimes i just want people to be around and not talk.

talking is overrated

there is so much that words cannot give.

which is ironic coming from someone like me (i know. yes i understand).

but still.

when my mind is messed up i don’t want to hear someone else’ piece of mind.

i want to just be by myself and think.

sometimes what i say in a few minutes took one night to think about.

yes, i’m like that (because sometimes forming coherent thoughts isn’t that simple).

.

i’m just so tired

i want to sleep

but i’m worried about tomorrow

and the days after that

.

choices

Published July 30, 2010 by crystalights

 

“i’m sorry but i don’t think i can make it. ..bye.”

.

i don’t have to feel bad because this is just one of those things that i know i shouldn’t waste my time, money and energy on.

i have too much to lose so i chose to let this pass

and the next one is different because it’s something that i can accomodate to more compared to this one

i don’t have to feel guilty because this is life

and in it choices and decisions have to be made

and something like this isn’t entirely wrong because every little path that i choose will lead to something somehow so there must be something there at the end of it no matter what i choose to do or not do

i don’t have to be afraid

because this is my life and my decision.

.

for love or money

Published July 14, 2010 by crystalights

 

i feel like throwing up. again.

so queasy.

i thought i just needed to eat something.

that i could just cook something to eat and it’ll be okay.

but eating made it feel worse.

everything’s not up to taste.

i feel sick.

.

i think he’s angry that i actually let that job go.

.

i don’t regret it. well. except for that one time when i thought about how good it would be when one day someone asks of my job and i’m working there.

but as i thought about it, even that felt odd and unbelievably wrong – to work in a place for the sole purpose of looking good even when your heart is in constant worry about the implication of your decisions.

i don’t want to work and feel guilty.

he thinks that permanent jobs can be easy to quit too, but of course he doesn’t know that. he never quits. he doesn’t know what it’s like.

it’s too messy.

in a perfect world, everything he says would come true with ease. without flaw.

but this isn’t a perfect world.

and i don’t want to lie.

i don’t want to put other people’s time and effort on the line.

i don’t care if it means i have to work two jobs to come up with the same or more pay than the one that i let go of.

as long as my heart’s in it, then isn’t that worth all the hours?

.

he doesn’t understand what i’m seeing.

it’s not always money and status all the time.

money money money

if it’s so damn valuable to you, then why not you go ahead and go money hunting yourself?

put in your extra time and work for that money that you want so much.

don’t push it on me.

i have my own things. my own dreams.

my own goals and plans.

.

missing piece

Published July 6, 2010 by crystalights

 

»«

»«

i haven’t done this for so long i can hardly remember how it feels

.

i think i might have this condition

of not wanting to unpack upon arrival and not wanting to pack before departure

i leave a lot – sometimes unintentionally, sometimes deliberately-

but always, always for a reason i feel reason enough

always because there’s something that made me feel the need to leave

.

i can stay with people long enough to know if it’s worth staying

.

just like how much skating hurts my feet

i got myself in the rink anyway because there’re people whom i feel worth skating for

even when i can barely skate

and everytime i fall, i fall hard.

.

the truth is that it’s not that i leave people behind

it’s just that there’s always something there in such a way that i can’t bring myself to stay

something always goes wrong

and there isn’t any other way other than that way out

it’s not just for me it’s for everyone in there as well

.

because sometimes it’s not about you

it’s about people other than you getting hurt

and you don’t wanna keep hurting them

.

but it is normal for people to not understand

and i’m not really the kind who’d come up with an explanation either

so i just let it all pass by

.

i haven’t skated in years

and now i no longer have a reason to skate anymore

no “first time jitters”

no “thrilling excitement”

no “skating people”

no “skating reason”

nothing.

i’m not good at it and it’s not something that i really like in the first place

and then people come and they leave and it’s all back to square one

and we’re just fine.

this is just fine.

just how it should be

this is why i don’t feel so much about not staying. with people. or anybody else for that matter.

because doesn’t it all amount to nothing in the end?

we meet only to cross paths and touch the surface

and then we go back to where we’re supposed to be.

.

i’m not sad

i’m content.

i’ve understood.

.

i skated because there’re people there who wants to do so with me

and now that the skating days are over

i won’t be in the rink for a very long time

.

i go to school because it is what is expected of me

i don’t know if i like it, or if i did a great job at it

but i did it because i have to

.

this is life

you don’t always get to do what you want

.

at 22 years 11 months and 3 weeks

i am still looking for something

which i am not exactly sure of

.

something’s missing

i feel it even more now than before

.

and i know that no one else can figure that out for me

.

i’ve been feeling this way for as long as i can remember

ever since i was a little girl

and now that i’m at this point in my life i feel it even more

that there’s something that isn’t there that’s supposed to be there

.

so yes

i do run away sometimes

i try to keep running along with time

because i can feel it slipping away from my grasp

i’m selfishly uninvolved with the other aspects of life

because i’m unfulfilled

i’m hollow

i’m trying to fix myself first

i can’t promise to be a part of anything else for now

.