trouble

All posts tagged trouble

spjg spring ni..

Published December 6, 2011 by crystalights

..kitorg telah pun ber “mukhayyam”

..ber “jaulah”

and i guess in a way,

ber”ukhwah”.

 *

 

hari ni kitorg pergi ke “hanging rock”.

ader org pesan sruh pkai warne biru.

rupenye sbb:

sebiru hari ini

“..walau kita kan terpisah”.

 

i feel happy and sad all in one day (and night).

 

kdg2, we try to do things so that we don’t cause trouble to other people but sometimes things just happened

i don’t blame anyone but myself

but of course

it doesn’t make it hurt any lesser

 

sometimes

once in a while,

it’s nice to be understood.

 

i think

i’ve lost the things that i would have said in times like these.

 

because words can only do so much when the heart speaks its own tune.

 

i think,

it’s okay to feel like this now

 

at least i didn’t mean to cause more damage than repairs.

 

i didn’t mean to do a lot of things

but when they happen, i wish to bear it on my own.

 

it’s okay

i’ll take this.

 

at least,

for one little tear, there has been many more laughter.

for one little hurt, there has been many more joy.

 

it wasn’t a painless journey

it wasn’t easy

but i think

it is the kind of pain that i have to live with

 

going and leaving

attachments and detachments

 

i never really knew my own place, did i?

 

as i looked at the sky

i saw the clouds separate so rapidly

almost seemed like a season’s movement in a few stolen glances.

like it was meant to disintegrate as natural as it integrates

it changes its form

and then, whatever it becomes seems like what it always should have been.

 

this way,

no one can say that it’s not meant to be.

not a soul can truly say how it should have been.

the clouds move with the winds

no matter how long it will eventually move away

 

no matter how much everything is worth

no matter how huge your efforts are

sometimes

you just can’t shape things the way you wield clay into pottery

 

you can’t “takluk kan hati” sesiapa pun

 

sbb,

pemilik hati kita yg sbenar adalah Allah.

 

Allahu rabbi.

 

sesungguhnya, hanya Allah yg tahu ape yg aku rase s’hingga ke saat ini.

 

 

 

i don’t want to.

Published November 23, 2011 by crystalights

so you say i make you confused.

you say as if i wanted to go then suddenly when you tell me about your plans then i don’t want to go. 

that you can feel like i didn’t enjoy being out with you.

that i’d rather go visit my (other?) friends than go out with you today.

you say that we have to go out by 7a.m the latest because you want to avoid traffic jam and you don’t wanna be late for your appointment.

i hurried and woke up to get ready around that time but we arrived within the area about ONE HOUR and 15 minutes EARLIER than your schedule.

then suddenly you want to go and visit YOUR friend while we fill the time before your appointment, but later on after we left your friend’s house you say that this friend of yours hurt your feelings (and that this isn’t the first time) although i don’t really understand which part of that conversation was really MEANT to HURT you.

you say that i can sleep in the car (if it’s too early for me to wake up and go out) and so i tell you that i DON’T LIKE sleeping in the car.

i told you to give the food to someone else but you brought it along anyway,

and then you say that i don’t eat what you give me because i worry that it’s not halal;

and that someone you know used to check the (food additive) numbers (like i do now) but in the end she just ate whatever other kind of that food type (and i find it insulting if it implies that i too, will become that way, as well as equally insulting if it implies that i am concerned about what i don’t have to be concerned for when it comes to food products).

you say that you can send me to the train station so i can go home if i want to, while you might go somewhere else but after we passed the train station you say you want to send me home because you wanna go home too; because you need to take in those carpets of yours before it rains (heavier). but afterwards you DIDN’T take in your carpets.

you keep on saying things like: “i can (do this/that/etc) for you if you want to”.

“yes, sure if you want to.”

“i can send you if you want to”

“i can go (there) with you if you want to”

“i like helping people”

“i like driving”, even when you might say you’re tired, after spending the morning going out (like wht happened the other day).

and after you offer taking me out and i said i’ll think about it,

you so easily say things like:

“if i take you out for lunch/eating, i’ll pay (for you), don’t worry”, sounding as if i am taking some time to think because i’m worried about money. (gee, another insulting statement).

 

by the end of the day (with you) i realized that i feel so much that i don’t even truly know where to start.

you see, the kind of character/attitude that i don’t like are the ones that you managed to portray to me in less than 24 hours.

i want to be patient and respect you, but i find myself struggling.

 

so don’t ask me if i’m okay

don’t ask me if i will return

don’t tell me to not be

 

because i really feel like i needed a break from you.

 

i don’t think i can do it the way you want me to.

 

i don’t even want to depend on you.

or let you take me on a ride to anywhere,

or listen to you tell me about your feelings

or listen to you tell me about MY feelings

or listen to you respond to what you THINK i was thinking about.

or listen to how hurt you are because people say things that you THINK is HURTING you

or how you refute my response when i give a different viewpoint because you think you have a reasonable reason to feel the way you do (which i might try and give you the benefit of the doubt even when i feel like i’m not given the same benefit when it’s MY OWN perceived reasonable reason if i come to a decision)

or how EVERYONE/etc who’s with you have to somehow care about your feelings and treat you in the manner that you feel is acceptable and accomodate to what you feel/wish, because you FEEL hurt/sad/etc.

or how you seemed to want people to give their time/attention/energy to placate/pacify you so that you don’t feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt like when you’re saying you don’t have anything to do while prior to this you say “i can do etc..if you want to” and then since you spent time with this/that/etc. person to do “what they want to” then why would you feel bad/sad/uncomfortable/hurt right? and why wouldn’t they fill your time the way that you agree with, right?

 

you see,

i guess i kinda saw RIGHT THROUGH you by the 3rd day i know you.

and since it’s almost the end of the year i think i’ve known you enough by now.

 

i don’t like it when people dictate/control/decide for me what i can decide for myself and what i didn’t ask for help for,

but i especially don’t like it when it is done in such a manner that it is not only messy/impetuous/incorrigible/tactless/tasteless, it doesn’t even come with an attempt to at least have the decency to be subtle and a little wiser.

 

i am dissapointed with this lack of propriety

and i do not wish for it to continue

 

because i want to care about people that deserve to be cared about more than people like this

i want to care about people who wants to give wthout seeking for something frm me in return

 

and well

at least i didn’t tell it all to your face out of what little patience/respect that i have left for you.

to not say it

Published January 30, 2011 by crystalights

 

sometimes i listen to things frm people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean i like them.

i just listen.

.

sometimes i talk for hours on end with people,

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re friends.

i just talk.

.

sometimes i feel something. heavy. twisted. gut-wrenching.

my heart feels it first and then my mind breaks it into tangible words so that my brain can process them.

so that i am aware of what i am facing.

so that i know what i am eye to eye with.

.

so sometimes i write emails

i write online instant messages

so that the other person understands that there is no pressure in replying

it’s just an internet thing,

we don’t have to talk on the phone or converse through daily text messages

we don’t have to meet up and hang out

we don’t have to feel obligated to do anything.

it’s just knowing that we are existing in the same land,

and that we could choose to get together, or choose to walk separate paths

we could choose our point of intersection, or choose our point of no return

.

we could choose and be anything we want to be

and no one has to fulfil any obligations to one another

.

and next month is D-day

and i am about 1 day away from the end of this month

which leaves me with a very short amount of time left in my hands.

.

i don’t want to tell people, but at the same time i wanted to tell some people

but i don’t know if i really want to. or should do.

for someone like me,

reaching out is a big investment to make

and i don’t like to lose.

so i end up telling a very small number of people, and it got to a point where some of them even received very cryptic, vague messages like: “i’m leaving”, with a “thank you” or a “take care” at the bottom.

and that’s pretty much it.

.

i’m like this with goodbyes

it’s like a whole process that i have to get over but not skip.

it’s like how the wind blows so that we feel that it’s there, or how a fish smells so that you know it’s a fish.

like how a flower blooms so that you know it needs the sun

and how the sun shines so that people can get past a long night.

.

i’m thinking of not saying anything

but the thing is that i’m not sure when i’ll be back

if i’ll ever be back soon enough to not completely lose the things that i’m leaving behind

so i guess,

this is the closest i’ll ever get to saying it

one fine day.

Published December 12, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i lost my post.

all those writings = gone.

i can’t believe wp didn’t autosave that.

bummer.

i hate it when this happens.

.

but

i don’t care,

i’ll still put a piece of it here.

again.

.

so,

deep breath.

one more time.

.

that day when flowers fall

that classroom

how come i couldn’t see

the disappeared rainy sky?

i really want to be drenched again

never thought that i still kept the courage that i have lost

.

you know,

there’s this feeling you get when you secretly view some people’s pages

while listening to this song.

especially if those people don’t even know what you’re up to.

but you know them.

and they know you.

it’s like

a hollow pain

at the base of your heart.

it’s stupid, i know.

but i don’t know why i feel it.

i thought i didn’t care

but why am i (even) doing this?

i should just

get ready to leave.

.

this doesn’t even mean anything.

no one means anything to me, right?

and i don’t mean anything to anyone, right?

right.

okay.

i get that.

it’s fine.

i’m fine.

everything’s fine.

tomorrow should be fine too.

i’ll go to sleep tonight and go see the ocean tomorrow.

and then i don’t have to think and be confused about this anymore.

.

okay.

goodnight.

.

rants: cerita hari rabu.

Published November 10, 2010 by crystalights

 

dah la aku malas nak gi konvo.

pas tu aku malas nk gi bank, byr yuran konvo.

pas tu tgh tggu giliran membayar tu, tibe2 kereta kene saman la pulak.

kene saman dgn polis raja di malaysia diraja malaysia pulak tu. (bukan dgn PBT).

saman ader dua keping pulak tu.

konon menghalang lalu-lintas dgn takde road tax.

.

tak rase suay (su-way/su-wei) ke konvokesyen ni?

.

makcik pengguna bank tu pun satu hal.

org dh siap nak ambik nmbr gilirn dier sruh org isikan borang utk dier. tgok muke takde la tua mane pun smpai tak boleh nak bace borang sndiri. tapi nampak pulak borang mane nak di-isi.

last2 kesian. aku isi la jgk. borang mak cik yg byk duit tu. (kuar duit smpai ribu tapi sruh aku isi, tak bahaye ke. kot2 aku tulis extra kt situ pas tu volunteer amekkan duit skali tak ke naye).

pas tu nmbr gilirn aku la yg lmbat.

pas tu kereta kiter yg kene saman.

pas tu ayah balik tarik muke

mcm nak kunyah je kertas saman tu

pas tu kene bebel.

.

mak kater saman takder road tax tu lgi mahal drpd harge 1 road tax.

.

whatever.

where did all that tax money go anyway?

tgok jlnraya kat pekan ni takde la elok maner pun.

sopak merata2.

buat jln mcm tak siap.

parking atas line putih tepi bank pun nak saman “menghalang lalu lintas”.

dah la tempat parking tak ckup.

tnggu traffic light tapi dah hijau pun tak boleh jalan

sbb kene bgi laluan kt segerombolan VVIP lalu lintas dulu

pas tu by the time dorg hbis lalu je traffic light merah balik

kene tnggu lagi satu round punye traffic light-waiting.

whatever.

whoever invented this effin’ sick road rule anyway?

dah la kene tala. kene lanyak. pas tu kene pijak lagi.

.

org yg dh dpt byk benefit dpt lg privilege. exceptions. excuses. immunity.

what an undeserving world.

people who risk their backs to earn money then have to risk their backs to spend money and then have to risk their backs to save even a little bit of money.

how can we ever earn enough money if this is the kind of life that we’re trapped into?

.

isn’t it just a vicious circle?

isn’t voting just a waste of time?

.

does the wakil rakyat speak on behalf of the rakyat? or on behalf of himself?

does he serve his people, or his people serve him?

.

the ceremonial end

Published November 5, 2010 by crystalights

 

i was watching high school musical 3 reruns

and saw the ending graduation scene.

so corny.

made me wonder about how graduations are supposed to be

(just a little bit).

because in my country, apart from several selected schools, common schools don’t have graduation days

we mostly have something like an end of the year meal ceremonies (and then that’s it).

in my country graduation day is usually for the end of our tertiary studies like when you finish college/varsity.

but how come troy gets to make the (valedictorian) speech?

i thought gabriella’s the brainiac of the school.

is it because of the whole captain thingy?

(as if that really counts)

.

whatever.

i think graduation robes freak me out.

and the mortar board.

and people squealing over a piece of paper earned after 4 years and thousands of bucks later.

the whole fiasco freaks me out.

.

is it just me or does happy people freak me out?

so what. am i allergic to happiness now?