what i don’t like

All posts tagged what i don’t like

i don’t want to (part 2).

Published November 24, 2011 by crystalights

i don’t want you to do things FOR ME because i don’t want you to THINK or FEEL like i depend on you FOR ANYTHING.

i don’t want you to THINK that i NEED you FOR ANYTHING.

dua bnda ni, paling2 aku tak berkenan.

i don’t really like people THINKING that i NEED or DEPEND on them. for ANY/WHATEVER thing or reason.

even when i sometimes do (to some extent, to some people) have things that i want, i really don’t think i want to. with you.

when people think that i NEED them or DEPEND on them, i feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

this dependency and need is not something that i am happy with.

i like feeling like i am doing what i have to do and what i can do for my own self and for the people around me and that i don’t have to hope for anyone to do it for me because i can. do it.

if i want something, i’ll figure out something, insyaAllah.

not NEEDING people like you to “help” me.

it’s in the way that i was brought up.

it’s like my way of living.

and i don’t really like anyone doing anything to change that.

 

because i don’t know what i would have to sacrifice in return if i was “helped” by some people.

bukan nk berprasangka, hanya aku nk berhati2. sbb aku dh pnah face this kind of thing a few times and it’s not very pleasant. it’s hurtful.

bcause bukan sume manusia boleh give willingly hanya kerana Allah.

aku faham. i’m not saying it’s okay, i’m jst saying i undrstand.

aku tak menyalahkan,

aku cume harap tuhan pun maafkan aku bile usaha dan perlakuan aku tak smpurna

bila rungutan hati aku mencemari amalanku

bila keikhlasan itu dtg dgn sgt lambat dan perlahan, atau kdgkala lgsung tk ada.

aku tk nk letak ape2 excuse pn for my bhaviour.

 

i just hope that i can at least try to be better.

 

insyaAllah, tmrow ader some sisters’ gathering (final, bfore BFG).

BFG is: “back for good”, bukan “big final goodbye”, bukan jgk “big friendly giant” mcm dlm cerite Roald Dahl tuh.

and speaking of Roald Dahl, i found some Wonka candies ysterday (as in Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

sape2 yg bace blog ni (yg aku knal la), nak tak Wonka candies tu? name dier Gobstoppers (klau tak silap. like in that book). klau nak, maybe aku bleh la belikan & bwk balik msia.

(ha cpt, time ni la sesuai mngaku if you read my blog, fr those candies).

 

anyway,

aku ade kje lg ni.

my friend need smthng done by mnday,

pas tu bku2 ngn nota tk hbis kmas lg,

pas tu ader some thng(s) nk buat b4 sis gath tmrow

pas tu nxt week nk arrnge bdah buku ber-duo, mayb dua kali sminggu, so blom prepare pn lg

pas tu aku blom figure out lg camane nk ulang alik airport semurah mgkin

pas tu maybe aku mcm nk pergi intrview UMK lbih kurng 2 and a hlf weeks lg yg aku blom prepare jgk.

so yes.

everyday aku ader bnda nk dbuat,

jst bcause aku dh hbis uni tasks doesn’t mean i have nothing to do

(so aku cm tk bkenan whn pple who don’t know what to do with their plenty of time is seeking my attention/energy/commitment to “fill their time” for them).

sorry, but: lu pikir la sendiri.

 

 

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sure. at least i think i know what i don’t know.

Published November 17, 2011 by crystalights

wow.

that was a bit surprising.

but.

because i know you’ve called them, that’s why i was asking you.

why would i call to ask about the same product if i know that someone i know has called before?

 

why would i ask you if i could ask any other people i know?

 

i don’t mean to have many questions

but sometimes i just do.

 

sometimes i can’t control the extent of my inquisitiveness

i can’t always help it if i like making sure of things

i like knowing in detail, in advance

 

if you don’t wish to see this kind of habit then i apologize for the inconvenience

but i never meant to add more to your list of things to do

never meant to be a burden

 

i just wanted to know.

if you can’t help me then just tell me you don’t know.

 

don’t tell me what you think i should do as if i don’t know what to do

of course i know

 

i just thought that there are other simpler ways of knowing,

like knowing from those who know

 

i guess i know now

that it’s better to not try to know so much from someone who i thought might know more than i do

because i just have to know from what i can know

not from people whom i thought has known more than what i know.

 

.

 

and by d way,

i was happy today before all of that happened

1 of my subject’s grade came out.

i got to buy the ingredients that i wanted.

and i met a friend whom i haven’t talked to for a while.

 

it was all okay,

until that kind of response came.

 

 and now i think i need some distractions.

 

whatever.

 

hati.

Published November 14, 2011 by crystalights

aku tahu hati aku belum sempurna

tapi bile aku berusaha utk memenuhi kekurangan2 diri,

aku hrpkn itu adalah kerana-Nya,

bukan kerana manusia.

 

bila aku minta syurga Firdaus dlm doa2 aku

bukan sbb aku layak dpt syurga tertinggi tu

tpi sbb aku nk jd org yg berharap utk sesuatu yg sebegitu

aku nk jadi org yg jugak mencari jln utk ke sana,

bukan sekadar jln di bawah langit yg 1 hari akan digulung sperti kertas

 

aku tahu aku bukan Rabiatul Adawiyah

bukan jgk Sumaiyyah

tapi aku nak jgk meminta pada-Nya

walaupn aku rse aku tak layak

 

bile aku bgtahu ape yg aku doakn

bukan sbb aku nk pakse kau sentiasa berdoa

tpi sbb aku nk kau tahu aku pn berdoa dan meminta

bahawa doa tu ada byk bentuk dan permintaan

dan ada byk yg kita boleh letakkan dlm harapan

 

aku nak bile rase jemu t’hdp doa tu dtg kau boleh ubah b’doa utk s’suatu yg lain pulak

boleh minta yg lain supaye hati tak cpt bosan berdoa

 

bile rase penat buat 1 benda yg sunat, boleh try buat yg lain pulak.

 

bukan ke doa tu satu tugas perhambaan utk insan?

 

so

walaupn aku tak faham ape maksud reaksi yg mcm tu

aku hrp klau ada apa2 keburukan yg mgkin dtg dari perkongsian aku tu akan tertolak lah dgn kebaikan

 

aku bukan manusia sempurna

kdg2 bile aku dh berusaha utk berhati2 dlm menyampaikan, masih jugak ada yg tak sempurna

 

bile  aku huraikan psl ape yg aku tahu (especially bile org bertanye)

bukan aku sengaje nak menambah rimas pd org

bukan aku sengaje nak bagi jawapan “like an essay” mcm yg kau ckp tu 

aku just takut klau ade yg aku tk huraikn dgn lengkap, tkut membawa kpd kesilapan dlm ibadah

takut2 klau nnti aku yg menanggungnya

 

aku tahu it’s not how you like it

 

but i thought that belajar bab2 agama bukan ke m’mng mcm ni?

mcmane aku nk explain sesuatu yg boleh membawa kesan yg besar dgn jawapan sesingkat permintaan tu?

jwpn yg smpai pd aku (yg aku ingin smpaikn pd kau) tu pun bukanlah aku dpt dgn hanya duduk sekerat

bukan duduk 5 minit, terus tahu semuanya

kdg2 ada perlukn sdikit sabar, usaha, tenaga & masa

ilmu berharge bukanlah semurah tabloid picisan

campak syiling utk senaskhah, selesai cerita campak naskhah

 

Abdullah Ibnu Mas’ud pun pernah berkata:

“you will not receive knowledge, not one-third of it, if you don’t give your everything (your all) for it”.

 

i don’t intend to analyze and/or criticize your learning patterns or character

but i am sometimes put in this position

where i don’t know what is the best way so that i don’t make it difficult for you but at the same time not make it difficult for me to deliver what i should.

and so that i don’t hurt you, but not hurt me.

 

aku pn ade jugak perkara2 yg aku kurang menyenanginya

kdg2 bukan semua benda yg aku dgar tu menyenangkan hati aku

kdg2 aku rase tak perlu pn kau persoalkn dgn nada kritikan tentang cara aku berfikir, bertanye atau perkatakan sesuatu hanya kerana pendapat kau tak same dgn pendapat aku 

do you know that sometimes, i get hurt too?

 

mcm bile kau ckp psl ikut Quran dan Sunnah,

tak bermaksud aku tk perlu ambik tahu pendapat atau pemikiran atau pandangan umat manusia yg lain

utk saling memahami dan mengenali utk memudahkan komunikasi

kalau aku tk cube ambik tahu, mcmane aku nk berukhwah?

 

betul la Quran dan Sunnah sbg pnduan,

tpi bukan ke Quran dan Sunnah pun mengajak kita bersaudara

bukan ke kita diajak menjaganya?

 

so what’s wrong with me wanting to know other people’s viewpoints as well?

 

at least when i undrstand how/what they think it might help me communicate in a better way

 

sometimes i wished you would understand

 

that i’m capable of getting hurt too.

 

 

why not makan

Published March 23, 2011 by crystalights

seriously

i think if you like something it doesn’t matter how often you want to eat it (as long as it’s something you’re allowed to eat and it doesn’t affect your health or economic conditions in any way).

i mean,

if it’s something that you like then it really is your choice if you want to eat it every month, or every week, or every friggin’ day.

i don’t think it’s weird. or sick. or friggin’ kesian.

biarla org nk mkn slalu, klw dh itu yg org suke mkn. kalau kau tak suke, tak pyh la mkn. tak perlu la setiap kali tgok org mkn the same thing you want to buat gaye2 “kesian” kan org tu. it’s annoying tau tak.

memangla dpt pahale bile bersimpati/berbelas kasihan kat org sesama Islam, tapi tak pyh la nak buat gaye mcm laa org tu takde benda lain yg dier boleh dan mampu makan sampai kau nak berbahase mcm dier ni takde keupayaan untuk memilih makanan.

serious annoying giler!

some people just like to eat the same thing. some people just don’t want to spend too much time in creating multiple varieties of gourmet food and all that jazz because their time is limited, they rather read more books than cook more food, okay. deal with it.

just because they don’t cook like some big shot cullinary chef it doesn’t mean that they are very “disadvantaged” people.

they just like to prioritize their student load more than their personal whims.

maybe they’re thinking “cukupla aku makan to survive, tak special pun takpe”.

if other people believe in the opposite, then it’s up to them.

tak payah la nak talk in a degrading manner about other people’s food life choices.

.

okay.

dah aku malas nak pikir.

baik makan dlm bilik je.

buat serabot je masuk dapur.

.

open. wide open.

Published January 7, 2011 by crystalights

suddenly this crossed my mind:

is it true that i am not as light and open as i was before?

but a long time has passed since then

and with age comes a different viewpoint and understanding.

if i am not someone who is as open and accepting as before,

at least i think that i don’t really turn them away or shut them down.

i listen.

i receive.

i acknowledge them.

i try not to pass judgement or point fingers.

i just don’t necessary like these things.

but i don’t judge. (at least while i am still conscious of my decisions).

and i think while it may seem like i’m not very open and light and accepting, i didn’t exactly show that i despise it or something.

i just go a bit expressionless.

so that the other party don’t feel offended or decide to up the ante and blow things out of proportion.

okay so maybe it’s the way my eyes change glances or the way i change my posture

but cut me some slack. it’s not like i’m screaming at the top of my lungs: “you stop this mess right now!”

at least i look at you as an adult and i treat you as a person.

how does that make me a narrow-minded and pessimistic and unreceptive person who sees the world in a dark light?

what is this Tron’s “The Grid” or something?

whatever.

i have my own thoughts and views and we might not necessarily agree with each other’s POVs but at least i’m not the one who goes into attacking mode first, right?

i’m not out there to fight

(i’m not even really putting myself out there).

i’m just here.

and if our paths cross then why not we face it like mature young adults.

.

maybe it’s just a prideful girl thing

not that big of a deal.

.

what i don’t like to see (Part 1)

Published April 13, 2010 by crystalights

 

i’ll wait until i fall asleep later then.

.

for now i want to write before tomorrow comes and pull me out of my shell again.

.

things that i don’t like (to see or come across in public):

  1. when one person hog/conquer/smother (or lean against) the pole in a crowded train and the rest of us had to cling to whatever remaining permanent structure we can find left in the train carriage.
  2. people who spit in public.
  3. Public Displays of Extreme Affection.
  4. people staring like there’s some kind of a show.
  5. people reaching the end of the queue but not knowing what to order.
  6. people who flock together and laugh out loud simultaneously over profane uncomedic remarks and snort out loudly together.
  7. males who sit on public cafes and stare at every single perfect-skinned young females walking by.
  8. male chauvinists.
  9. people who rule something else but assumed their roles on ruling other people’s life.
  10. people who don’t understand the difference between being respected and being right.
  11. people who spell project as porject and responsibility as responsibily.
  12. people who don’t check their spelling when they don’t always spell right.
  13. people who hang up before you finish the call and call when you want to hang up.
  14. awful, dreary, extremely long sucky movies.
  15. people who don’t want to read but want all the stories and contents at the tip of their hands.
  16. people who ask for help on the things that they can do themselves.
  17. people who abuses the privilege of being older (in my country we avoid arguments with older people as a sign of respect to the ones older than us. it’s like a culture thing [as far as i know]. maybe some people who follow the teachings of their cultural heritage will know this. i was raised with this idealogy in mind).
  18. bullshit newspapers.
  19. bullshit tv news bulletin.
  20. people who rule the country using the citizens’ money but claim more money supposedly for the country and the citizen.
  21. people who lie but wanted to believe that they’re telling the truth.
  22. people who come up with good music but also comes up with distracting awful images that turn the attention away from the music.
  23. people who complain about how other people live their lives but wouldn’t let other people complain about how other people live their lives.
  24. service tax when dining in.
  25. extremely sweet tea.
  26. creamer. in every imaginable drink.
  27. people who think that other people don’t have money just because they don’t decide to spend money on every single thing that is on sale.
  28. people who criticize other people when they put on weight but criticize them when they lose weight.
  29. people who think that maintaining a weightless figure is easy
  30. people who make other people listen to them complain about the things that bother them when the people who listens have the same kind of thing bothering them but doesn’t have the chance to complain at all.

.

woops.

what a list.

suddenly i’m at the 30th point and realized that it’s time to get to bed.

it could go on and on (but i have to go and sleep now)

presentation week is mentally, physically and emotionally tiring.

.

goodnight.