All posts tagged words

leaving. believing. feeling. like i should.

Published November 17, 2011 by crystalights

sometimes i think

i can hardly believe

that i’m going to leave this place.

sometimes i think i don’t understand why people feel what they feel

when they study abroad

because i don’t think i feel the same way

when i’m not where i’ve been but where i have to be


i remember crying on the plane

in the tram

by the streets

in my room

on the way to campus

on the walk from campus


crying and thinking

and crying and thinking

everytime something happens i couldn’t really make anyone understand why





and difficult it was


to understand


sometimes i think

i am surrounded

and have people that i meet

and people that somehow stick around

with me

but still


i couldn’t find

the kind of feeling i have when i feel like i’m where i belong




i write like

Published December 25, 2010 by crystalights


so it turns out that i mostly write like : Cory Doctorow  

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!


and also : J.D. Salinger.

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

i tried it with several of my writings and the analysis showed that i write like Cory Doctorow (3 out of 6 tests) and J.D Salinger (twice).

the other writer that i write like is : Gertrude Stein.

so i spent what’s left of my afternoon on a search for their life stories and backgrounds.

i wanted to know if there is something there in common that is related to the way we write.

we have a 39 year old canadian man, a reclusive american man who passed away earlier this year and an american woman who was friends with picasso when she was alive (picasso drew a portrait of her in 1906).


Cory Doctorow’s “down and out in the magic kingdom” science fiction won the Locus Award for best first novel in 2004. yes, that was only his first novel, and a beginning to his other array of works and writings. he allows the sharing and distribution of his work as long as they’re for non-profit and non-commercial purposes, a.k.a “creative commons : some rights reserved” license.


J.D. Salinger wrote “the catcher in the rye”. “the catcher in the rye” was a development of “slight rebellion of madison” which was written almost 10 years before the former was published. he was still writing while he was in the army for WWII, and was then in contact with Ernest Hemingway. so after the war, “the catcher in the rye” was completed. but he rejected all attempts of securing the rights for this particular piece into the silverscreen and so even spielberg was turned down. owh and “the catcher in the rye” was banned in several countries because of how the story was told and what it was about, as a whole.


Gertrude Stein assembled a modern private gallery and was the mentor of ernest hemingway. she studied psychology, then embryology and was in med school for a while, before she moved on and wrote the autobiography of alice B. toklas which became a bestseller. alice was more than a friend.


cory was born on the 17th of July, the same month as me but mine was on the 10th (of July).

cory likes sharing his work openly. he blogs, writes, co-edits, and is a digital-copyright activist.

J.D liked writing but didn’t really enjoy the crowd and the whole extravaganza surrounding his published works.

there were some of his writings which he does not even wish to publish and that his love for writing was enough for him to stand by this.

gertrude was an influential advocator of the arts. her writings was known to be more in the sense of sound than the suitability of words.

her writings reflect her personality: bright, quirky, strong.



they’re all so very different.

how on earth was i ever writing like any of them?


owh and creds to wiki in the highlighted links.

it was a very enlightening afternoon.


triple birthdates’ birthday

Published November 19, 2010 by crystalights



i was never really a fan of huge parties.

i’m used to spending my birthday doing something totally unbirthday-related, like travelling on the road or simply being busy getting some things done.

but because this is my little brothers and my mom’s birthday all wrapped in one occassion, they have their circle of people which they tend to bring along.

and so inevitably,

people arrived.


we actually went birthday shopping.

the table was set.

and the cake was cut.

three birthdates of november in one day.


i practically ruined our shopping trip (because i didn’t realize that there is a shopping plan that i should be a part of)

it was my mistake

i am disgusted with myself.

even if i’m distracted, even if i don’t like big parties, i should have been more aware to other people’s wishes and needs.

thank god i didn’t ruin the whole birthday occasion.

but i kinda missed the candle-blowing and singing part.


i hate that i have to leave tomorrow

just to attend sunday’s prep and rehearsal.

i hate that i have to attend sunday’s prep and rehearsal

just to be there on saturday’s convocation.

i hate that i have to attend saturday’s convocation

just to show that i have graduated.


i hate show and tell, and big parties, and my face on someone’s facebook.

i like privacy, and small intimate gatherings with people who are closest to me, and no one’s face on anybody’s facebook.

(but it’s facebook. people put their faces there).

tapi aku baru dpt tahu kita org perempuan tak boleh display muka on the internet. explanation dier ada pada org yg lebih tahu (aku baru tahu, i’m not sure how to explain it), but it’s like when you put gambar muka di web you are directly/indirectly allowing people to do anything with it

termasukla renung lame2, or ber*something*2 dgn gambar kita, or melakukan ape2 pun yg mengundang gelora p’rasaan dan perbuatan yg agak censored. bila letak gambar whole muka+diri kita di web, kita tak dpt kawal siape yg lihat, bhgn ape yg dilihat dan berape lame yg dilihat. kalau 1 org ader access pada gambar kita, mungkin org lain yg ader berdekatan/bersama dgn org tu pun dpt lihat. then bile yg lihat itu punyai gejolak rasa yg ter extreme secara tak langsung kita jugak menjadi pihak yg bersalah kerana menjadi punca gejolak rasa itu.

aku tahu aku bukan org yg pandai nak menyampaikannya dlm keadaan yg terbaik supaye semua org faham dan aku pun admit that aku memang guilty of doing the same thing in the past in my other web page tapi sekarang bile dah tahu aku rase mcm aku perlu beritahu dan kongsikan di sini, supaye org lain pulak dpt tahu.

this is not something yg aku beritahu mengikut suka akal sendiri, this is something that is passed on to me from someone yg lebih arif (setelah membuat rujukan tentang hal2 yg sebegini), to someone i know, and then to me.

i think the rest is up to you.

aku dah tuliskan di sini, sekurang2nya aku sudah pun menyampaikannya.



happy birthday to my little brothers and my mom ^__^


of roles and duties. and life and living.

Published September 21, 2010 by crystalights


my father has a certain way of doing things that he expects people to follow.

most of the time, i just go along with it.

but sometimes,

some very rare times,

i can’t.



i can’t really deliver what is expected of me.


he believes in back up plans

in raking in more than you need (even when you only need one and will only choose one in the end)

he likes more than one option

more than one solution

more than just average grades

more than just a couple of distinctions


perhaps to him, more is more is the absolute must.


if i can’t deliver his expectations at one point

then somehow i’ll end up somewhere where i have to somehow do it

there is no long-term escape

just options and more pathways for me to fulfill what he seeks


sometimes i just do whatever is requested of me

even when it makes me look or feel crazy

as long as it’s physically / intellectually feasible

i just do it.

i just live with it.


but sometimes i believe in different things

like losing money but gaining time.

if i get time. then why does money matter?

if i get knowledge / information, should money matter?


like what happened today.

i want to just get my pics from any random photostudio shop, i don’t really care.

it’s just a photo for my application form. (tomorrow’s the deadline).

but he wants to take the time to print it at home,

choose the right settings, the right size,

cutting it down in his own manner

and then using his own adhesive for sticking it on

and his own method of ensuring its quality.

everything is his own

perfection right down to the details.


(and now i’m not so sure if i won’t miss the deadline in the next 24 hours).



imagine these ideals of his applied to everything else.


i was sent to several different schools throughout my entire primary and secondary years,

and some of the schools are not even a district apart.

just because he thinks one is better than the other

(but well, most of the time..i hate to say that he’s right).

i was very unwilling at that point.. only to be sent somewhere else and then at the end of it was him proving to me of how precise his decision was.


i was in highschool back then

when he was in the car with my mum and the kids, waiting for the whole of my 1 hour chemistry class to finish every wednesday of the week (because it takes a half hour to get there and another half hour to get back. so he just sends me and waits there until i finish for about an hour later).

and then he sends me for my 3 hour biology class every friday and some other day of the week

and my add maths classes

and physics classes.

they’re all extra classes per week. he chose the teachers. and the schools they come from.


hand picked.




so this is how i live.

it’s not easy, but at least it’s a way of living.


it wasn’t that wonderful for me.

but somehow he works things out.


and i grew up thinking that every man out there has to at least have the capabilities of this man

who isn’t all that amazing but a capable, able man afterall.


i needed someone whom i can respect. in one way or another.

someone who wasn’t easily defeated.


we don’t necessarily have to like each other

but we have to live our roles

and fulfill our responsibilities

to live for the purpose of which we are created

to be what we must be

what we should be.


sometimes you can’t have everything

there is always something that you have to lose in order for something else to be gained

but if it is your duty is there any excuse for you to just let go?

i guess i believe in that too much.


i believe that if everyone lives up to their roles and duties and responsibilities than this world would have been a better place

because no one would be squished aside for the sake of another person’s self importance.


at face value

Published August 27, 2010 by crystalights


my sister was watching tv and that show was on


i cringed and cringed and cringed

and fumbled


it wasn’t even that significant for me

i just told her to change the channel

and she was like:

don’t start your sentiments here.

by then, i was whining to get her to watch something else.


the thing is that that is probably the best way to deal with something so cringe-worthy as that.

from that male judge to the lines of contestants, i was thinking: what is the purpose of this show anyway?


do you think that you could even find the right “gadis melayu” in this kind of show?

come on.

who are we kidding?


isn’t this just another beauty pageant showcasing supposedly what people call as “gadis melayu” skills?

where does the value lie?

where’s the sense in that?


jawab cincai pun boleh masuk second round (sebab ape? sebab cantik la).

what difference does it make whether or not you’re the ultimate “gadis melayu” anyway, you still have to be “aesthetically qualified” enough to steal the limelight in a beauty contest.

it’s not that much different from the ones before it anyway.

macam gadis metro.

gadis sunsilk.

gadis pantene.

gadis maybelline.

gadis celcom.

gadis jelita.


perhaps in this country beauty is of face value.

somehow even the little littlest things are associated with a stage, a face, a spotlight, a crown.


sebagai gadis melayu saya tak larat nak tengok rancangan2 mcm ni.




walk away

Published August 21, 2010 by crystalights

(walkway, saujana)


this was constructed to link the two separate sets of condo units in that location.

sadly, it wasn’t really used, though.

because people can just cross the road in less time than it takes to get on this ‘walkway-bridge’ thingy.



we were there years ago (i think).

i don’t even remember why we climbed up there anyway. must be one of those random hyperness attack with my little sister.



we have lived in that location before, though.

it was in my primary school years, and at that time i have lots of younger friends who think i’m their age.

we goofed around, arrived late for our afternoon classes, laughed at the slightest funny thing and occasionally end up somewhere strange.

rain or shine, we walked to our afternoon school and back, with the occasional wet uniforms or shoes stuck in the bright orange mud.

some of us even shared the same name and went to the same class and the teacher had to call our first and second names in full everytime we’re in some thing together.

we even got in trouble with the principal once for suddenly being “missing” from school.



and then we grew up.


separate secondary schools


separate afternoon classes


separate places to live.



after a few years i came back again


but things are just not the same anymore.


we couldn’t even really look at each other in the eye.


i don’t know why, but i guess that is how things go, and perhaps everything at every point in time is a phase somehow.



but in a way, it was nice while it lasted.

at least i knew at some point in my life i was just a goofy kid with younger childish friends

and that at some point i was a child too.

i didn’t have to think about what i needed to be and just lived in that moment at that time.



but even that has to pass.

and people just.. move on.


so i understand if people don’t stay

i wouldn’t want to ask them to

do what is something against the natural way of how things go.


human nature isn’t so unpredictable afterall.


but it’s okay.



it was just something that crossed my mind 

as that time of the year approaches again

the time that we usually spend in that location for a little while

before we pack our bags and leave again.



i don’t know what this year will bring

but i don’t want to look forward to it too much and end up dissapointed.