yesterdays

All posts tagged yesterdays

aku. dlm hati ini.

Published September 10, 2011 by crystalights

 

aku bukan sempurna

tapi aku bukan pretending

 

aku bukan sengaja melebihkan rasa hati aku

aku dah pernah mncuba

 

aku tk slalu berupaya duduk di dalam lingkungan lengkungan normal

bila2 masa aku terkeluar dari garisan, bukan bermaksud aku tak berpendirian

 

susah la bila kedudukan aku dinilai dgn jauhnya aku dari garisan tu

dan susahla bila diri aku dinilai dgn satu sudut fikiran yg jugak satu bntuk pandangan “manusia”, manusia mcm aku walau tak serupa dgn aku

 

lebih susah bila pnjelasan aku dianggap sekadar habitual things driven by a stubborn need to be the rightful one

 

lama2 ada jurang

 

which probably grew with time

 

bukan aku tak berusaha, tapi dah smpai situ aku tak tahu lg nk ke mana

 

kita sama2 boleh apologize, tapi mgkin aku la yg nampak mcm bersalah

sbb tak buat benda yg boleh diterima oleh pemahaman seseorg seperti itu

 

walaupn pd hakikatnya, nilai dan timbangan setiap org tak mgkin identically sama

 

aku boleh je terima perbezaan tu, dan rsenyer aku tk pakse pn org lain utk hidup dgn cara aku

 

so kenapa aku rse mcm tak diberi that “benefit of the doubt”, eh?

 

kenapa, tak boleh ke kalau fikir: “itu PENDAPAT DIA tentang CARA HIDUP DIA yg DIA INGIN JALANI”

 

last2,

bawak haluan masing2.

 

mcm biase la aku

m’mang slalu ditinggalkn pn.

 

itulah lengkungan normal utk org mcm aku kot.

 

ntahla.

 

aku maafkan, semua.

 

aku rasa dia pn dh maafkan semua.

 

cuma aku rase aku tak pasti dari sudut pandangan itu, masalah mcm ni telah selesai atau mgkin punyai kebarangkalian utk berlaku lagi bila2 masa in the future

 

stiap kali kita bertemu sesama kita atau sesama org lain yg kita kenali

 

atau stiap kali kita breathe the same air

 

would it be a calm, normal air that is not influenced by emotional baggage?

 

i’m not so sure about that

 

aku perempuan. aku tahu tahap emosi aku dan kmungkinan tahap emosi perempuan2 lain

 

boleh ke kita bersatu hati

 

atau sekurang2nya berlapang dada di masa akan dtg?

 

aku tak pasti.

 

yg pastinya aku terkejut sbnrnye

 

bile kita say goodbye dlm tram tu as if it’s the last time

sedangkan aku hampir pasti it isn’t.

it wasn’t supposed to be the last time

but i felt that it wasn’t jst a normal parting

it was like a forever farewell

where you don’t think you’ll do anything within your power to purposely cross paths with that person you’re saying goodbye to in the near or distant future

it was like a final verdict

it was almost like a resignation.

 

throughout (and after) this ordeal

i felt almost like

something was convicted against me

and that no matter how hard i try it wouldn’t really matter to people as much if they’ve chosen what they chose before and above everything that’s said and done

 

i got hurt (again) by the people close to me

 

i can’t really be careful enough to save myself another heartache, can i?

 

the worst part is trying to not show the hurt because you don’t want to put pressure on anyone

 

because you’re an adult

 

because you’re the tough girl. the one whom people see as the hard-headed, big personality, high ego, alpha female girl.

 

the one who is really still a girl. at heart. thinking “if only people could see that.”

 

but whatever.

 

it’s not like i can fix this.

 

it’s been months.

 

look at where i am now.

 

alone in an empty house.

one fine day.

Published December 12, 2010 by crystalights

 

wow.

i lost my post.

all those writings = gone.

i can’t believe wp didn’t autosave that.

bummer.

i hate it when this happens.

.

but

i don’t care,

i’ll still put a piece of it here.

again.

.

so,

deep breath.

one more time.

.

that day when flowers fall

that classroom

how come i couldn’t see

the disappeared rainy sky?

i really want to be drenched again

never thought that i still kept the courage that i have lost

.

you know,

there’s this feeling you get when you secretly view some people’s pages

while listening to this song.

especially if those people don’t even know what you’re up to.

but you know them.

and they know you.

it’s like

a hollow pain

at the base of your heart.

it’s stupid, i know.

but i don’t know why i feel it.

i thought i didn’t care

but why am i (even) doing this?

i should just

get ready to leave.

.

this doesn’t even mean anything.

no one means anything to me, right?

and i don’t mean anything to anyone, right?

right.

okay.

i get that.

it’s fine.

i’m fine.

everything’s fine.

tomorrow should be fine too.

i’ll go to sleep tonight and go see the ocean tomorrow.

and then i don’t have to think and be confused about this anymore.

.

okay.

goodnight.

.

family dining table meal

Published August 31, 2010 by crystalights

 

i think it’s amazing that my dad can remember how many chairs there are to that decade-old dining table set.

.

six.

there are six of them.

they were bought when we were still little kids,

the chairs that match the table to match with the floor

not only to match the colour but also the patterns.

.

but the floor in our home now isn’t quite the same as the floor in our old home.

i remember rows of little windows, with pink flowery curtains in each room

and long orange-coloured ones for the living room.

there were two small mango trees

on our back yard view from the kitchen

with the brown wooden cabinets and shelves complementing the stove

.

that was more than 15 years ago

but he remembers how many chairs there were from that dining table set.

he was asking: where is the other chair? there is one more.

.

and my sister took it out of her room to add to the dining table.

.

we didn’t even remember how many there were.

and i was thinking

maybe this dining table set does match the current floor where we have our meals now

the patterns aren’t exact matches, but the colour is perfect.

.

as much as he remembers things i just hope

that he doesn’t remember how angry he was today

and the last couple of days.

.

it’s difficult to have normal meals when the air is thick with tension

i was holding the onion container and it almost slipped from my hands

it was just a small plastic container

but i was so scared that even the scattering of fried onions would make him blow up

with that kind of mood in him today, no one really dared to speak

even the eating was silent for a while

i think i let out a breath when he was finished with his meal and got up to leave the kitchen

.

it was really heart-hammering.

.

moments

Published August 29, 2010 by crystalights

 

my mum talks about her plants as if they are real people, real humans with needs.

she speaks in a guilty tone of how she feels sorry for them whenever some of them dries up, wilts, or turns yellow.

she remembers what they need and somehow they bloom faster in her hands.

she speaks of her plants so respectfully in such a good-natured way that sometimes even real humans aren’t as respectable as them.

.

my youngest brother treats anything art-related very passionately.

he’s into sewing multi-coloured beads onto old clothes now.

today he wore that shirt with those beads that he sewed.

.

my father treats anything art-related dispassionately.

he looks upon my youngest brother’s bead-sewing with a frown in such a disdainful way-

just like that time when i was younger with lots of As for my art and drawings but Bs for my maths.

i think it’s the same frown now, with extra wrinkles.

only at that time during my younger days it wasn’t just a frown.

it was a statement.

i like looking at my mum’s plants, but i don’t like looking after them.

.

i like my youngest brother’s enthusiasm in arts.

.

i’d like to think that my father hasn’t aged more than he should since my younger days.

.

i still have a secret love of arts even when i onced abandoned them for better math grades when i was younger.

.

i write what i feel.

if i don’t then i’ll feel bad for not telling it as it is.

there is no “spicing things up” as far as i know.

because i don’t know how to “spice things up” without feeling like a phony.

you know, like a liar,

a pretender.

.

because i live, i then write.

i don’t write to “officiate” my life.

i just live. and then i just write.

.

walk away

Published August 21, 2010 by crystalights

(walkway, saujana)

 .

this was constructed to link the two separate sets of condo units in that location.

sadly, it wasn’t really used, though.

because people can just cross the road in less time than it takes to get on this ‘walkway-bridge’ thingy.

 

 

we were there years ago (i think).

i don’t even remember why we climbed up there anyway. must be one of those random hyperness attack with my little sister.

 

 

we have lived in that location before, though.

it was in my primary school years, and at that time i have lots of younger friends who think i’m their age.

we goofed around, arrived late for our afternoon classes, laughed at the slightest funny thing and occasionally end up somewhere strange.

rain or shine, we walked to our afternoon school and back, with the occasional wet uniforms or shoes stuck in the bright orange mud.

some of us even shared the same name and went to the same class and the teacher had to call our first and second names in full everytime we’re in some thing together.

we even got in trouble with the principal once for suddenly being “missing” from school.

 

 

and then we grew up.

 

separate secondary schools

 

separate afternoon classes

 

separate places to live.

 

 

after a few years i came back again

 

but things are just not the same anymore.

 

we couldn’t even really look at each other in the eye.

 

i don’t know why, but i guess that is how things go, and perhaps everything at every point in time is a phase somehow.

 

 

but in a way, it was nice while it lasted.

at least i knew at some point in my life i was just a goofy kid with younger childish friends

and that at some point i was a child too.

i didn’t have to think about what i needed to be and just lived in that moment at that time.

 

 

but even that has to pass.

and people just.. move on.

 

so i understand if people don’t stay

i wouldn’t want to ask them to

do what is something against the natural way of how things go.

 

human nature isn’t so unpredictable afterall.

 

but it’s okay.

 

 

it was just something that crossed my mind 

as that time of the year approaches again

the time that we usually spend in that location for a little while

before we pack our bags and leave again.

 

 

i don’t know what this year will bring

but i don’t want to look forward to it too much and end up dissapointed.

 

 

 

.

 

and another

Published August 3, 2010 by crystalights

 

i wanna go out all day and then at the end of it to be able to just smile and say: 

“i had a great time today.”

and really mean it from my deepest hearts.

.

i was 19 the last time i said that

but i didn’t really mean it at that time.

it was something that came out because i didn’t really have a great time

and i was feeling cold and awkward

at that time as i stepped on the elevator i was thinking:

“i wished it was better”.

.

the weird thing was that

it meant more to me than to the person i was with.

.

i was young at that time and no one told me to not wear your heart on your sleeve so much.

no one told me that not everything is as it seems.

no one told me that life is but a dream.

so things happened

and i lost a friend.

.

everytime i think about it i just know

that it was just me being young and foolish and so trusting. so naive thinking that i could take on anything and face anyone

.

of course

there was nothing there

but i can’t help feeling like i’ve always been on the losing end

no matter what the circumstances are.

.

i want to be a hero.

not another damsel in distress disguised as the heroine.

i don’t want to be saved.

i just want to be the one to save myself. and the people that i wish to save.

.

i don’t wanna be

just another girl

.