want

Published February 11, 2014 by crystalights

sometimes i can’t help but feel that even making the effort doesn’t put me anywhere near enough to where i want to be.

 

” i tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter”

in this race against time i can’t help but feel that time is not on my side.

that in a few more years i’ll probably be overripe or underrated for this congested market.

whatever that means.

i’ll face it heads up

(insyaAllah)

love la

Published December 29, 2013 by crystalights

now that i am on holiday,
i think i am truly shutting myself out.

 

no major work-related, locality-related issues that i want to really think about.

 

nk log on to “the social network” pn mlas skrg ni sbb nnti nmpak updates frm the rest of Msia/ South East Asia/ world pas tu rase mcm sesak nafas.

 

jst thought of mentioning: hati2 bkongsi kgembiraan di fb.
sbb tkut2 mnimbulkn iri/ hasad/ envy.

Σ (iri + hasad + envy) = agony (?/!)

hahah.

 

it’s just that maybe some people don’t like to be reminded of the things that they don’t have (?)

hmm. but only some people.

 

the rest of the more secure, happy, & fabulous people are probably too awesome to be bothered by such triviality.

hahahah.

 

tapi ye la. mgkn boleh m’nyentuh sensitiviti jgk klau org tu b’hempas pulas struggle habis2an baru nk dpt survive truskn hidup dgn s’suap nasi, pas tu ko plak pegi tnjuk statement akaun gaji ko yg baru credit beribu-riban.

 

sensitivity pun penting.

wlwpun rezeki itu ktntuan Allah t’hdp stiap insan & tk salah kongsi happiness utk mengakui nikmat-Nya, tapi takut2 ada mudharat lain yg lbih besar m’landa.

 

takut klau dgn statement bank kita yg terpampang tu mnimbulkn rasa tak redha dlm hati org lain terhadap rezeki & takdir yg telah ditentukn ke atas mereka.

sbb “kita” dan “mereka” seummat. mestila kita peduli klau tindakn kita mndekatkn mereka dgn sesuatu yg tidak baik.

tak kisahla walau “mereka” itu sekadar kwn2 biasa yg tak knal rapat pun.

 

because,

isn’t to love & care is to protect?

and you have not perfected your iman until you have loved your brother/brethren/ummah like you love yourself.

 

so.

love la like Allah wants you to love.

jgn tahu nk love ikut definisi drama melayu kontemporari je. (rich guy/snobby guy/cold guy meets OTT lovey-dovey chick who tries to turn him into her. THE END).

:-p

the fixer

Published October 18, 2013 by crystalights

cleaning up people’s mess is tiring.

i think, no one is really out there for the sole purpose of fixing the mess of other people.
even in Pearson Darby Specter, the “fixer” guy was a fraud.

yup.
not only a fraud but a murderer.

in hopes of preventing future mess, i keep giving people hell for the mess they make.

how dare you hurt yourself from your mistakes, thinking that you’re the only one who got hurt.

how dare you be so selfish.

and then as you put your goals above all else you paid them all with everything else around you-
even the things who didn’t deserve to be sacrificed.
things that are not yours to begin with.

i guess this is the kind of life you chose.
and i, along with the rest of the world have to live with it.

ok. ok. stop.

Published June 12, 2013 by crystalights

I actually have a job to get back to.
But since I need a 2nd opinion but no one here can really gimme d stisfaction of an objctve one so here I am.

you said “hbis xxx tk cantik?”
“dia siap ada twins lg, tak pndang yg lain”

it’s not what u say, it’s how u say it.
aku blum hbis ckp lg.
ko slalu tepis ckp aku anytime as if wht I’m saying is pointless.
it’s insulting. offensive. degrading.
even when I disagree with u I never dissed your point so blatantly. I either say something 2 respond or just shut up.

Sometimes I wonder,
what do u want frm me?

getting it.

Published May 27, 2013 by crystalights

you know what,

it bugs me that sometimes i don’t know what normal is.

when i don’t know what is normal to most people.

how do you react in a normal way if you don’t even know what normal is?

 

like when you’re in the middle of delegating tasks in a room and everyone’s paying attention but someone just walks off the door because he doesn’t like the idea of you putting him with people that he doesn’t like.

 

or when you’re in the middle of a very important point that you really need them to understand, and halfway through it someone just nods off and fell asleep, guilt-free.

 

or when you’re giving them the extra work because you know that they needed it (because it levels their playing field), and the way they react (and make weak attempts of rejecting it) is like you just delivered the worst news of the week.

 

so how do normal people react?

i can throw in a few sharp comments, some with very high-pitched sound effects, throw a fit or two, or even go angry raging mad. or i can do a little of that sarcasm thing that i always seemed to have going on.

but.

but.

but.

i didn’t.

at least, not really.

 

bcause if i spew even a little bit of words, i don’t know how far i’ll go. or shouldn’t go. because my idea of normal isn’t exactly the same with a lot of people, sometimes i can’t make them get it.

 

sometimes, people get very offended first, and then they get the point at the very last bit. and some don’t even get it. (or get me). or get my point.

and then i’ll probably think: well that’s a waste of my braincells.

 

so what i do is i avoid screaming. avoid sarcasm.

i just skip over some things, resume on the total normality of it all, until they’re all in and all eyes and all ears on me and then i hit home- straight to the point where i want them to be.

 

except well, even that sometimes doesn’t work all of the time.

unbelievably surprising

Published May 19, 2013 by crystalights

yes, I’m thinking about a career change.

but I don’t want to be unreasonable to the pple whom I’ll leave bhind, so no mattr how much my heart feels constricted in my chest I think I will wait- for at least another couple of mnths. sbb aku tk nk bebankn saudara seagama ku.they are our pple too.

If they quit before me I won’t hate them. (I’ll jst claim overtime for having to pick up their hours. Oh & yes now we can claim OT by weekly hour count. Alhamdulillah. Means that I don’t have to calculate if the whole mnth exceeds 80 hrs bfore I cn claim (which bsically means prviously i nver get to claim jst bcause some weeks have holiday on them). But now if any week exceeds 20 hours then I cn already claim. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made things better for me. I can even leave early & come in late whenever I don’t have class.

*

You know, smtimes worrying about pple is amazing.

maybe bcause it nver really goes away no mattr how much you try to unthink them.
sometimes I can’t help it.

even when I think your attitude is unacceptable I still worry about how you’re going to live if u don’t change in the long run.

maybe bcause your way of speaking is a strong tell-tale of ths arrogance (?) i seem to sense coming frm you.

I’m not impressed nor have I ever been insecure. I don’t put high value on the things that you think is high. And at some point I am fine with the way things are.

I know that I am where I am now because of what Allah has given me, not bcause i am better than anybody else.
ee
kdg2 bile aku tgok, aku cuba nk memahami. to undrstand you.

maybe you don’t mean to say that you’re better than others.

but that’s what you sound like all the time!

and I expect that you of all pple to know that what you seem to be saying is as important as what you’re really saying.

klw normal conversation pun pple are cnstantly reminded of how much more accomplished you are compared to them, then mcmane ko nk be with pple? mcmane nk b’gaul dgn msyrkat?

what about when you work with pple?

kdg2 aku jst t’diam & shutdown. sbb bnda2 yg ko ckp are so surprising to me.

aku rasa 1 hari ko msti nmpak apa kesannya. dan kdg2 aku rasa akulah orgnya yg kdg2 transparent hbis smpai bg ko nmpak how undesirable it is through my eyes.

I just hope I don’t hurt anyone. Or worse, turn into you.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.