ok, fine.

maybe i’m jst being a worrywart

but i think, this time it’s probably just my pride taking over.

 

i’m used to people not understanding

but i can’t help but feel that this time, the fault really was not mine.

 

sbb tu aku mcm susah skit nk fix it

bcause i feel that it wasn’t my wrongdoings

 

it is not my fault that a few times when something goes unpretty my academic background becomes an arguing ticket for people

honestly it’s not like the credit was mine

it’s not even impressive or anything

aku bersyukur la dgn ape yg Allah bagi tapi aku tahu ni sume bukannye dtg dari aku and i’m not even flaunting it

bersyukur dan gembire tu aderla. tpi bukannye nk rub it in anybody’s faces ke aper

bukan nak bwat semahu hati atas tiket “tamat pengajian sarjana”

 

dah la sometimes i feel like i’m his trophy

but whatever, maybe i’m jst a paranoid pessimist

 

tapi sriously,

what can i do?

 

i think i’m jst carrying out my duty

as part of an ummah who was given an opportunity

 

i have to consider what he thinks or feel jgk

dier ckp sejak aku balik ni skali pn aku tk pnah pergi

ok fine;

forget the fact that i don’t live in kL,

i was in d middle of a few things,

i can’t just take the car and drive, i am trying to complete my driving license,

and i have a few people i have to see

and i’ve been kinda occupied with the job hunting and that prvious intrview

ok fine;

fine fine fine

even if all that is not reason enough

then can i ever have that opportunity to claim my fare share of the benefit of the doubt?

that i would’ve at least tried to not let these worldly things get to my head (?)

 

will i ever be free of the notion that my absence and response is a manifestation of my academic life?

 

i just..

i usually don’t even care

but this time i think i have to at least be a little concerned because i believe in reasons and purposes

and that there is something that i have to do no matter what for the sake of The One Who Created me.

 

sure i think i can protect my pride and walk away (like those many times bfore)

but then

i think i realize now that i have an obligation to protect this tie.

 

so what i feel is not important.

 

aku nak berusaha

walaupn aku rase mcm kne deal with somethng yg aku tak nak deal with pn

sbb aku tak nmpak ape2 s’lain dari persepsi peribadi seorg insan.

 

tapi tkpela

ok fine;

i’ll deal with it

 

i’ll take this,

fine.

 

bg aku personally, smbung blajar bukan satu benda utk dibanggakan,

smbung blajar aku ibaratkn mcm tnggungjawab diri jika berkemampuan.

 

ape yg aku nk banggekan? sume yg aku ada bukan dtg dari aku. knape pulak itu nk dikaitkn dgn bnda lain yg not even remotely directly related?

 

oh dear, TELL ME what on earth could i possibly HAVE done?

 

i’m not really into this topic anyway so

why bother

 

malasnye nk fikir abt these thngs

 

whatever.

fine.

you’re free to think.

 

fine fine fine.

i think the world would be a better place if:

1. people don’t jump into conclusions so damn easily and quickly
2. people deliver/perform what they have spoken of (no empty promises)
3. people pay back the money they owe (even if they think that the person doesn’t care or doesn’t need that money right now)
4. people stop forcing other people to live like them
5. people view people objectively instead of going with the usual generalizations/sentiments/pre-conceived notions
6. people stop thinking that everybody different from them is small, stupid and sick
7. people stop taking the easy way out by taking things that don’t belong to them.
8. people stop taking for granted of what you have and stop thinking that everything should go your way just because it has always been your way all the way.
9. people stop feeling irritated by what other people have (because some people just worked hard to get what they have and then they have it. so deal with it. if you don’t like it, you can work hard too and maybe you can have a shot at having it later. if they didn’t work hard and they’re just lucky to get what they want anyway, only then you can start getting irritated and start venting).
10. people stop being animals and start being people. 

i want to transfer my property.

but no matter how i think it can be done privately, there’s always something that leads me near to having to disclose it.

.

bile kita percaya bahawa tuhan itu ada, bukan ke kita percaya bahawa dia dengar setiap kata2 kita?

setiap apa yg kita ckp kan, disaksikan oleh dia.

so when you say: nanti aku buat (this or that, etc.)

itu kan ibarat lafaz janji/niat (walaupun tanpa perkataan janji dlm kata2 tu).

kenape tak boleh meletakkan sesuatu itu pd tempatnye?

kalau aku tak ada depan mata kau pun, apa yg kau ckp tu tetap disaksikan oleh tuhan.

jadi kenape tak tunaikan?

.

sbb tu aku

dh lame takde

rase percaye langsung pada kau

sorry

aku tak percaye

kau dan byk lg org lain.

.

bukan aku nk ckp aku baik.

tapi aku slalu sakit hati dgn org mcm kau.

org mcm aku perlukan org yg baik yg boleh memperbaikkan diri aku.

bukan org yg slalu buat aku merintih.

.

yela aku selfish.

aku tak ckp pun aku baik.

.

at least i understand that the more you say things so freely without considering your capabilities and will to fulfill them, the more your words become worthless and meaningless.

.

mcmane kita nk jadi lebih baik bila setiap kata2 kita takde makna?

.

of people and dissapointments

 

aku rase sbb tu kot aku ni mcm ni.

sbb aku dah biase hadapi keadaan dimana org yg aku harapkan tak boleh aku harapkan.

last2 aku jugak yg selesaikan masalah.

mintak tolong pd org hanye memenatkan badan aku je.

.

jadi

aku rase aku memang tak boleh depend on anyone other than me.

aku nak percaye pun susah.

sbb byk masalah.

byk kesakitan.

byk keharu-biruan.

byk kegelapan.

i think in life the only constant that is omnipresent and forever present is god.

.

and with that i rest my case.

.

(yes my heart hurts. my back hurts. everything seems to hurt more when you’re pushed to your limits).

.

seolah2 dier tak kisah pun psl keselamatan (aku).

yg dier sibuk nak ambik kisah is how much money i can save and earn.

nak suruh aku go gang up with some strangers in another land who wouldn’t mind pitching together cash to save on accomodations. how NICE.

i mean, how nice is that, putting aside the possibilities of finding good, civilized people with no ulterior motives and no criminal record amongst all those whom i don’t really know.

NICE.

.

why not you just feed me to the sharks and take all my money?

.

at least then i don’t have to think about how on earth i put up with your demands.

.